Sunday, December 2, 2012


Hey, check out the first post from my new blog, Oh...Love — about love, relationships and stuff like that.

The first post of course is a positive portrait of love that I hope to one day achieve.

I encourage you to contribute content by providing examples of love or relationships through articles, videos, photos and other visual art.

Here's to LOVE !

Thursday, November 1, 2012

So You Think You Wanna Get Married

Think about it.

Do you REALLY want to get married or do you just want companionship, someone to spend time with and do things with on a regular basis?

Oprah Winfrey has said many times, "with marriage there are expectations."

Ironically, Oprah's father, Vernon and his current wife, Barbara, are in a bitter divorce battle. Read the article published in The Tennessean here.

Vernon says his wife is "guilty of inappropriate marital conduct."

So I looked up the term, "inappropriate marital conduct" and according to Turner Law Offices, it is "the most commonly used ground for divorce" and "means that one spouse has done something that the other spouse deems inappropriate."

The full-service law firm notes on its website that "Cases where inappropriate marital conduct has been proven include: "flipping the bird," calling the other spouse names or using profanity, not providing for the spouse, abnormal sexual requests, and, generally, being a pain in the #^$."

On the other hand, Barbara, Vernon's wife, has accused her husband of trying to kill her.

Geez...this after 12 years of marriage.

So let me hear from you:
Do you really want to get married or do you just want a constant companion because you're lonely?

And folks who are married or were married: Why did you get married? Was it what you expected?

holla at me...

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A New Age

In five days, I will no longer be 30-something.
(oh, my)

I'll be moving into a new decade, a new era in my life.
So I need to come up with a new title for my blog.

I would like the title to represent where I am in my life
right now. It should be short, catchy, smart and positive.
I have a good title in mind, but I would like your opinion.
What do you think the blog should be called?

Or do you think the title should be changed at all?

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

holla at me...

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Not a Chance

I told you in my last blog post that I met a young man that I'll call "Chance" at's stir event and we made plans to go out.

We met Friday evening at a lounge along D.C.'s popular U. Street corridor. Chance sent me a text about 30 minutes before we were to meet to ask if we could push the time back. He was stuck in traffic and didn't want to be late. He got cool points for that.

When I got to the lounge he was already there. He greeted me with a compliment, "You look great." More cool points.

We found a seat and ordered some drinks. I got a cosmopolitan.
We talked - about our day, our jobs, our hobbies. We both like museums, live music and dancing. He attended the University of Maryland for undergrad and was now working on a masters. I learned that his birthday is three days after mine.

The evening was going well. I was having a good time.

"I like your hair," he said.
I smiled. "Thanks."
"Are you voting for Obama or Romney?" he asked.
"Are you voting for Obama or Romney?" he asked again.
"I'm not telling you who I'm voting for. But I have to tell you, you look like a Romney guy."
He was offended.
"What? Why do you say that? I'm Obama all the way!" he exclaimed.
I laughed and we started talking about the debates. I know you're not suppose to talk about politics on the first date but that's where the conversation sort of flowed.

"So do you want a family?" he asked.
That question again.
"I do want to get married one day," I said.
He was more specific: "Do you want kids?"
"I don't know," I said (which is true).

See, Chance was engaged about a decade ago, in his 20s. And last year he ended a yearlong relationship with a young lady because they were going "in different directions" he said. She was focused on her career and he really wanted a family — marriage and kids.

I got it. At 37, he was ready to settle down.
And I understand the reason for his questions, he doesn't want to get involved with someone who doesn't want a family when he does. Why waste his time again?

Well, I haven't heard from Chance since our date.
He was a nice guy. But I think I flunked his "wife" test.
He's really looking for someone who's ready to settle down and have kids.

I do want to settle down. I want to be in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship. I want a companion, a life partner, maybe a husband — but I'm not sure if I want kids.

Oh, well. Did I miss my chance at love?

holla at me...

Saturday, October 27, 2012

About Last Night (Part II)

A few days ago I wrote a blog about my experience at's Stir event here in the city. I told you about how I met a young man when I first got there and he bought a drink for another lady while engaged in conversation with me. (I still think that was disrespectful)

Well, as the night went on, I met several other guys. We had friendly, polite conversations. I ended the evening talking to an engineer who lived in Maryland. I'll call him "Chance."

"Hi, I'm Chance. What's your name?" he asked.
"Hi Chance. I'm Lottie."

One of his first questions was about my age.  I was turned off.
Don't you know it's rude to ask a lady her age? I said.
No, really. How old are you? he asked again.
I'm not telling you my age. How old are you? I asked.
Mid-30s, he said.
So, are you going to tell me your age? he asked again.
Well, I'll just say I'm not yet 40, I said.

The conversation continued.

So where are you from? he asked.
Mississippi. What about you?
All over, he said.
All over? Where were you born? I asked.
How long have you been in this area? I asked.
I lived in Baltimore for 7 years and I moved to the
D.C. area in 2005.
You like this area? I asked.
It's cool.

Then he asked: So, do you have kids?
That's good, he said.
What about you? I asked.
No, I don't have any, he said. Do you want children?
I don't know. Maybe, I said.
You don't know. What does it say on your profile?
I think it says, "yes," "maybe," "not sure." What about you?
Yes. I want a family.
oh, okay.

Mississippi, huh? Southern girl.
Yep. I said.
That's good.
Really? Why? I asked.
Family values. Southern women have good family values.
Oh, I see.
I like your hair, he said.
Thank you, I said.
(The second compliment of the night on my hair. Who knew guys liked natural hair?)

But was he looking at my hair or my boobs? I couldn't tell.

So, I want to get to know you better. Can we meet this week? He asked.
(Probably my boobs)
Sure. I said.
What days are you available?
Weekends are good, I said.
Okay, what's your number?

I gave him my number.
I'm gonna call you. I really want to meet up with you this week. I'm serious.
(Wow. so, yeah, I think it was the boobs)
Okay, that'll be cool, I said.
We shook hands and said our goodbyes: "It was nice meeting you."

So Chance contacted me the next day (Wednesday). Points for him.
He didn't call. He text. SIGH (That was a disappointment. Do guys pick up the phone and talk anymore?)
We made plans for Friday.
He text me again on Thursday to confirm the time and place we were meeting at the next evening.

Well, we went out last night.
I'll tell you about our date in the next blog.

Holla at me...

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Why the Attitude Dude?

I made a quick stop at Target after my Jazzercise class this evening. I was loading my items on the conveyor belt when the cashier, a handsome Black man, yelled Jazzercise!, referencing my t-shirt.

"I see you gettin' it in," he said.

I smiled. "Yep, I gotta get it in."

"You married?"  he asked.

"No," I said, "not today."

"Why not?"

I shrugged, "I just haven't met anyone."

"Oh, you must want to be free," he said, bagging my items.

I looked at him confused. What was he talking about?
I swiped my credit card to pay.

"Yeah, I know how yall are," he said. "Women today say they want to be independent but then they don't want to spend their own money."

"What?" I said, signing the credit card equipment pad.

I was taken aback.

"Yeah. I listen to Steve Harvey. Come back and see me and I'll tell you a little more about that."

I gathered my bags and left the store.

Now was all that called for?
What solicited such a response?
Is that the way Black men view Black women nowadays?
I couldn't tell if he was angry, frustrated, bitter, disappointed or just mouthing off.

What do yall think of what he said?
Holla at me...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

About Last Night (Part I)

I gave up my bellydancing class last night to attend's Stir Event. It's basically an event in which the people who are on meet at a local venue for drinks and conversation. The event last night was held at a local restaurant in downtown D.C. 

I got there a little before 7:30. It was crowded. I went to the bar and was greeted by a good-looking guy (I couldn't tell if he was Black or Latino - LOL). But that didn't matter. The night was already starting off well. I ordered a drink. Dude turned to me and started talking to me. You know: how you doing, how was your day, you having a good time, your first time at one of these events, etc.

I learned that he was from Boston, lived on the West Coast for 12 years - California and Vegas - and moved to the D.C. area a year ago. He will be running the Marine Corps Marathon next week - his fifth, he said. He told me that he likes the D.C. area because it has lots of educated professional women. He got tired of dating strippers in Vegas. Oh, he's in the computer industry.

So Mr. Boston complimented me on my hair. He said he loved women with natural hair - that was a dealbreaker for him.  If a woman had a perm or weave, he said, he wouldn't date her.
Why? I asked.
Well, he said, he was all about being healthy and perms had a lot of chemicals and were harmful to your health, etc. Did you see the documentary "Good Hair" by Chris Rock? he asked. Yeah, I told him.

Mr. Boston ordered a drink and asked me if he could get me anything. I told him "no, thank you" because I was still on my first drink.

But get this: When he ordered his drink, he ordered another drink - two drinks. Now this second drink was not for him or me, but for a woman at the other end of the bar.
You read that right.
This dude was talking to me, but he ordered a drink for another woman.

I was offended. I was like "Ain't this some s$%t."

I saw him look in her direction, smile and nod about the drink he was sending her. She smiled back at him. I was done! He turned to me and said, "I was talking to her earlier."

I don't care. What nerve!

I politely held out my hand and said, "It was nice meeting you," and walked away. He said something about I'll see you later, but I barely heard him.

Don't you think that was rude? Well, I did.

What do yall think?
Holla at me...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Perfect Partner

I thought this essay was going to give me the keys to finding the perfect partner. You know, a list of what I should do, where I should go, how I should look, what I should say, etc. Instead it gave me some revealing news about myself.

The author says in the first sentence: "You attract to you in a relationship who you are."
Me: Ouch !

Then he notes: "The partners you attract to you in the form of a man or woman are a physical manifestation of whom and where you are in your own consciousness at this moment in time."
Me: Okay.

He asks: "Look at whom you are attracting. What does this mirror to you about your own self?"
Me: Hmmmm

He writes: "The person you attract to you in an intimate relationship is no mistake. They are perfect for you right now. ...You attract to yourself a partner at the level of your self-acceptance."
Me: Sh$t !

The author closes by stating: "The perfect partner is whomever you are with in that moment. This is being reflected to you in those you attract, whether you like it or not."
Me: Damn! Damn! Damn!

So basically the type of man I am attracting is a reflection of where I am right now in my life and what I think about myself. This is not good news. In fact it's pretty scary. But it's also eye-opening.

You guys know what I want. I've written about it in this blog for the past four years. But for whatever reason I am not attracting that type of man. Instead I'm getting just the opposite. What does that say about me and how I feel about myself? Why aren't I attracting the GOOD guys?


Look at who you are attracting. What does that say about where you are in your life right now?

Holla at me...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

What Makes a Man Attractive?

This morning I was browsing through a website called The Good Men Project and stumbled upon an article titled What Makes a Man Attractive? The author of the article had put out a call to women asking what they found attractive in men, "not just in looks, but in personality, behavior and lifestyle."

Check out the article here to find out the results of this unscientific survey. I would say the results are not that surprising.

So I ask you the same question. In your opinion, what makes a man attractive?
Also, what turns you off?


Monday, October 15, 2012

The Stable Marriage Problem

Today, Alvin Roth and Lloyd Shapely were awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics.  Shapely, a professor emeritus at UCLA, is known for developing "matching methods." Roth has used Shapely's methods to match medical residents to hospitals and organ donors to recipients.

But I was really interested in Shapely's work in solving the "stable marriage problem." According to a piece in The Washington Post, Shapely, along with economist David Gale developed an algorithm in the 1960s (known as the Gale-Shapely Algorithm) that paired "a certain number of men and women..such that there is no partner with whom anyone would rather be than the one with whom they are paired."

The Post article explained that in the Gale-Shapley algorithm "there are a series of rounds in which both men and women rank potential mates, and matches are made until everyone finds a spouse and the system is stable," meaning that "both partners feel that they have gotten the most attractive possible match."

Research notes that the Gale-Shapely algorithm solves the stable marriage problem because people are coupled in a way that they would not feel the need to go outside their marriage "in search of something better." Basically neither spouse would see a benefit of straying outside the marriage because they believe they've gotten the best deal.

Wow. (It is important to note that according to the Post article no marriages were ever arranged through this Gale-Shapely algorithm.)

Do you think the Gale-Shapely Algorithm would work today? Why or Why not?

Well, first of all, their experiment is an ideal situation because it involves the same number of men and women. Today there are more women than men, so it's inevitable that someone will be left out.

But I ask, wouldn't you like a method that would ensure that you have the best possible match and there would never be a need for either spouse to look outside the marriage for "something better" ?

Do you think the divorce rate would decrease and there would be fewer affairs if this method was used to pair people up? Why or Why not?

Thoughts? Holla  at me...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Wedding

"Love is the oxygen of the soul. We can't live without it" - Tony Robbins

I went to a wedding yesterday. It was beautiful.
The bride looked like a true princess in her white dress.
The groom, in his Black suit, beamed with happiness as she walked down the aisle.

The day was a long time coming. The couple had dated four years and had even taken a 12-week course called "So You Think You Want To Get Married."  

There was a scripture reading after the prayer, Ephesians 5:19-33. Verse 22 says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." And Verse 25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." The other verses talk about how a man should leave his parents to unite with his wife and the two shall become one. I encourage you to read the King James Version of all 15 verses when you get a chance. (As a side note, I want 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 read at my wedding)

I listened to the preacher as he stood before the couple. "Marriage is a challenge," he said. He then referenced the scripture reading and noted that people often focus on how wives should submit and overlook the requirements of husbands.

He charged the groom: to give his wife unconditional love, love without end.
"Lay it all down for this woman," the preacher said. "She should know her heart will be safe with you. I charge you with providing her with safety and security."

Then he turned to the bride and said, "A man's greatest need is for respect."
His charge for her was to respect, love and help her husband.
"He is the head and you are the neck," the preacher said. "A head can't move without a neck."

Before the couple exchanged vows, the preacher noted that marriage was not 50-50, it was 100-100. "You have to give 100% all of the time or it's not going to work," he said.

The bride and groom exchanged vows. They exchanged rings. They lit the unity candle and we danced until our feet hurt at the reception.

It was indeed a joyous occasion. But I've seen this scene too many times and sometimes it ends even before it begins. I wish them well.

holla at me...

Friday, October 12, 2012

Got Skills?

I was reading the profile of a guy from one of the dating websites and he included a statement that he attributed to Bishop T.D. Jakes. It said:
"Even though MANY of you are fine enough to get married, you are single because you don't have the SKILLSET that is required to be a wife."


Skillset huh?

I guess I should do a few man-on-the-street interviews and ask guys about this SKILLSET — you know, what they look for in a wife. And maybe I should ask some of my married girlfriends about this skillset.

What yall think? Do you think you're single because you don't have the SKILLSET that is required to be a wife? Do you know what those skills are?

holla at me...

Monday, October 8, 2012

Just "Friends"

A guy from a dating website emailed me today. He expressed his interest and wrote that he was specifically "looking for a friend and lover only."

Huh? What?

Did dude basically tell me that he doesn't want a serious, committed relationship? Sounds like he just wants a "friend with benefits."  You know, a movie then sex.


What do you think?

Ironically, I'm listening to the Michael Baisden Show and he's talking about casual sex and how women give it up too fast. His expert on the show mentioned that men are delaying marriage because they can get everything they want from their "friends" — companionship, emotional support and sex.

We've all heard the cliche, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Michael said, "As a man it's way too easy for us." I've talked to several guys and they agree. They tell me, "Sex is easy."

So I ask: What incentive do men have to get married, if they can get everything they want without being in a committed monogamous relationship?

What yall think?

holla at me...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Don't Call Me Ma'am !

TS002024I know the young lady was being polite. She was probably just doing what she was taught. It's called having good manners.

But I was offended, so I turned to her and asked: Why did you call me ma'am?

"Because you're my elder," she said, looking surprised.

Really? How old do I look to you? I asked her.

"30s?" she said.

This chic didn't look younger than 20, so how in the h#$$ was I her elder? Sure, I was older than her. But I was certainly not her elder.

I equate the term "elder" with a senior citizen, someone 80 and up. (Yes I said 80, because I have women in my Jazzercise class in their 70s who I wouldn't dare call elder.)

I googled the term ma'am and according to, ma'am is: "used as a title of respect, especially when addressing female royalty."

That may be the case, but when I think of the word "ma'am" I think of someone old, a retiree with grandkids and great-grandkids, maybe a hip replacement and a cane watching her "stories."

I don't think of myself. 

In fact, I feel great — young, vibrant — more like a 20-something. I have so much energy and feel like I have so much more to accomplish.

However, in exactly one month, I'm no longer going to be able to call my blog "30 Something" because I will no longer be "thirty-something." But though I'm entering into a new decade, a new phase in my life, that doesn't mean you can call me ma'am !


Sunday, September 30, 2012

Lil'Pimp Big Dogg Baby Daddy

I was ready to get off my online dating site after someone named "ain't studdin' u" sent me a flirt. I checked to see how long I had left on my subscription. I was hoping that it ended at the end of this month, but it doesn't. I have five more months of this foolishness.

It seems that I've been on the site a long time, but it's only been a month. The good thing is you get a lot of flirts. The bad thing is they're usually from people you're not interested in — you know, like men who are 63, who could be my father's friends.

So let me vent for a few minutes.

Dude, if you have the words - "pimp", "dog," "courvosier," or "baby daddy" as part of your screen name, I'm not responding to you no matter how many messages you send me.

Also, I'm tired of reading stuff like this:
"I'm looking for a quality woman. A quality woman would Google my band, listen to my music and leave a comment on my website."
"I have a closet full of AirForce One's and linen suits for the summer."
"I am not looking for a woman who is not attractive. I'm not settling because I dont have to, the best or nothing."
"I believe in taking good care of my woman with money, so she can ever be looking good for me."
or this: 
"Is it possible if I can talk to you and become friends with you? Mother May I? I'd like to keep in touch with you. Bye, Bye."
No joke.

But I have to respect the honesty that some guys put forth like this one: "My first priority is to obtain gainful employment....the other priority is to cultivate a relationship with you." 
Yeah, I'm glad he's got his priorities straight.

And if I see one more in-front-of-the-bathroom-mirror-with-no-shirt-on camera phone photo, I'm gonna scream. Listen, go to a park and ask some strangers (a family member or a close friend) to take your picture — pose in front of some trees or water or something. It's not that hard. I promise.

I don't want to get discouraged, though it's tempting. But like my friend says, it only takes one. But geez, how many of these do I have to go through to meet that "one"?

holla at me... 

Friday, September 28, 2012

Usher on Oprah

Did yall see Usher's interview with Oprah on the OWN channel a few weeks ago? If not, the full interview is below. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Oprah's Next Chapter | Usher (FULL EPISODE) by Ashley_Miller_3

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Something Better

About a few weeks ago, before my tv went out, I was watching an episode of Lovetown USA on the OWN channel. The show is about how two matchmakers go into the town of Kingsland, Ga. and try to match up singles — you know, find them love.

It was interesting. Two of the single men who had been matched — one White, one Black — seemed really into the women that were chosen for them. They had gone out on several dates with their matches and expressed that they liked them a lot. They said that they enjoyed spending time with the ladies and had fun on their dates.


When the matchmakers asked the men if they wanted to continue to date the women they were matched with, get to know them and see if maybe a relationship could develop or try someone new — they both opted to try someone new and be matched with someone else.

When asked why, both men gave the same response: She's nice and all. I really like her, but I want to see what else is out there.

So, both men were matched with different women. Ironically, they did not enjoy themselves with their new matches and one even admitted that he would have had more fun with his original match.

The matchmakers had warned them that they could risk losing a good partner in search of "something better," and it seemed that in the end both men regretted their decision.

I think the lesson in this is obvious.

I know none of us wants to feel like we've "settled" but what are the consequences of always looking for something better, of thinking that there's something better out there.

What are your thoughts?
Have you run into guys (wait a minute, I should say women too) who can't seem to settle down because they're always looking for "something better"?

holla at me...

Monday, September 24, 2012

My Heart is an Idiot

If my life was a book, this would be the title for sure.

Tell me, if your life was a book, what would be the title?


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Highly Educated

I was listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show this morning and he said something profound. He was giving a response to the "strawberry letter" which was about a woman who had a master's degree and wanted to know if she should get out of a relationship with a man she had outgrown.

In noting the number of highly educated women who wrote him about relationship problems, Steve said, "All yall got all these different degrees, but yall ain't got a degree in the right thing: How to pick a man."

I have to admit: I love school. I work hard at my job, but when it comes to men and relationships I suck! I do choose the wrong people and always end up sad and disappointed.

What about you? Can you relate?

Holla at me...

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Criminal Conversation

I learned a new term today: "criminal conversation," which, according to this article is the legal term for extramarital sex.

I like that term. It sounds so much more sophisticated than adultery.

I was actually reading a story on Black America Web about how Fantasia's baby daddy Antwuan Cook admitted that he cheated on his wife with the American Idol winner. If you recall, Cook's wife sued Fantasia for "alienation of affection."

So while looking up the term "alienation of affection," I came across "criminal conversation."

According to the website, an alienation of affection lawsuit is "one in which a deserted spouse can sue the alleged third party if his or her partner leaves the relationship for another person and causes the marital relationship to fail."

The site notes that as of 2003, you can sue for alienation of affection in eight states: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.


Anyway, the article says to win an alienation of affection suit, a spouse has to prove that:
 1) There was love in the marriage before the third party came in the picture
 2)  The marital love was "alienated and destroyed as a result of the relationship" with the third party
 3) The third party's conduct was "a malicious interference with the marital relationship."
The author of the article writes that a spouse only has to show that the "third party engaged in conduct that was foreseeable to impact the relationship in a negative manner."

You know, stuff like trips to the Bahamas, expensive gifts or criminal conversation.

holla at me...

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


I was watching The Wendy Williams Show this morning and she mentioned a star who is being bullied because the person is considered a homewrecker.

I looked up some definitions of "homewrecker."
Urban Dictionary:
5. "One who goes after a married individual; usually succeeds in ruining his/her marriage; takes married individual."
"A person who is blamed for the breakup of a marriage or family, esp. because of his or her affair with one of the partners."
"A person (male or female) who engages in romantic relations with a person who is married or engaged to be married with the result of breaking up the engagement or marriage."
So, I had just one question:
Can a person ruin or break up a HAPPY home?
My co-worker always tells me that it takes two to tango.

holla at me...

Monday, September 10, 2012

Legally Separated

That means you're not divorced right?
A few men have contacted me on Black People Meet that have described their status as "legally separated."
I'm like wth?

Dude, get divorced first then maybe we could communicate.

But then you have to think: If you're separated, does that mean you're not suppose to date for one or two years or however long it takes to get a divorce?

Should people wait until their divorce is final before they begin to get back out there and date again?

I know a guy whose wife left him in 2010. She moved to a different state. His divorce wasn't final until February of this year, but I know he was dating someone last year. He brought her to D.C. and I met her.

So is a person suppose to be alone until the ink dries on the divorce papers? They're not suppose to meet other folks and go out on dates — right? He should just hang with the fellas until everything is done, finished, complete — maybe visit some massage parlors (just kidding).

What yall think?

Holla at me...

Friday, August 31, 2012

Oh No He Didn't

Recently my friend Tanya sent me a link to an article titled 10 Things Women Find Unattractive About Men But Won't Tell Them that was featured on the website SBM (Single Black Male).

The author had some interesting points. It made me think of when a guy tried to tell me what not to eat at a restaurant because he didn't want me to "lose that cute shape" or when I guy hushed me in a movie theater. Look, I am animated and sometimes I get a little excited when I'm really into a good movie. Don't tell me to ssshhh.

Now I'm about a decade older than the author of the SBM piece, so here are a few things I found unattractive about men, but didn't tell them:
 1) Bragging about how much he had — I went out with a guy who found it necessary to tell me that he was driving the most expensive BMW. There were only a few made in the world and he had one of them.There was another guy who drove me around and told me how many buildings he owned and how much his house cost in the suburbs.

2) Pretending to be someone he was not — What's worse than bragging about what you have? Pretending that you have something you don't. I dated a guy who spent his weekends getting dressed up in expensive gear, riding to the club in his friend's Bentley, popping bottles ($400 champaign) in the VIP lounge and making people think he was Mr. Big. Oh, did I mention that he was near 50, had his house foreclosed and his car repossessed.

3) Undependable - I really find it unattractive when a man doesn't do what he says he 's gonna do. If you tell me that you're going to do something, don't call me an hour before with some lame ass excuse that's usually a lie. Keep your word.

4) Lying - Oh man have I heard the lies. It's funny that some men actually think you don't know they're lying. It's very unattractive that you think I'm that stupid. Just because I don't call you on your lie doesn't mean I don't know you're lying. I went out with a guy once who initially told me he didn't have any children. Later he admitted he had four. I asked him why he lied. He said because he didn't think I would go out with him if I knew he had 4 kids. Well, that was for me to decide, and he didn't give me that choice. I've gone out with plenty of fathers. 

5) Not open-minded — I find it unattractive when a man doesn't want to try or do different things. I dated a guy who only wanted to go to the movies and dinner. I like museums, theater, festivals, sporting events, etc. I once suggested we go see Alvin Ailey or Stomp. He said he would go, but he wasn't gonna pay. On another occasion, I suggested we head down to the Alexandria Waterfront. It was a beautiful afternoon, spring I think. He scoffed at the idea and said, "what we gonna do, walk around?" Uh, yeah. It was a gorgeous day.

6) Loud - Why does everyone have to know when you arrive? There’s something about a man who has presence without saying a word. It's a quiet confidence. It shows in the way he walks, his conversation, the way he conducts himself around his peers and the way he treats women.

7)  Expect women to chase them – Remember the guy I met last year who said, “I don’t chase. I got 10 women lined up. Women take care of me.” Yuck. I think there's a difference in showing someone you're interested in them and chasing them. 

8)   Drunk – I think it's very unattractive to see a guy drunk in public or even in private.  A guy came over to my house once, drunk. He reeked of alcohol, that wasn't a good look at all (or smell).

9)  Tardiness – A couple of years ago a guy showed up more than an hour late for our date. Needless to say we never went out again. Obviously he didn't respect my time.

10) Constantly checking his cell during a date – You that important?

Alright, so those are some things that I thought of off hand.
What are some things you find unattractive about men, but won't tell them?

holla at me...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Men and Self Esteem

Okay, I have to give it to the guys on Black People Meet. They think very highly of themselves.

On your profile, you have the opportunity to describe your looks and body type.
For looks, the choices are:
very good looking
stunning looking

For body type:
few extra pounds
big and beautiful

Now a lot of these guys who I would consider average-looking, describe themselves as good looking or very good-looking. One guy even described himself as stunning looking. I just laughed out loud (maybe he was trying to be funny to show that he had a sense of humor).

For body type, some guys have described themselves as athletic, most say they are average. However, the few who say they have a "few extra pounds" are way more than a few extra pounds, but they don't see themselves that way.

I thought that was interesting because I think a lot of women are hard on themselves when it comes to their looks. They underestimate just how beautiful they are. But it seems men have very high self esteem.

What do you think?

holla at me...

Monday, August 20, 2012

A Fat Black Woman

Last week I started decluttering my attic. I found things I haven't used in seven years — old printers, computers, jewelry cases, photo frames and a host of other things. There was a lot of paper.

Going through my stuff I realized that I had loads and loads of information and material on weight loss, dieting. Despite what Alice Randall thinks, I don't want to be fat. You remember Randall don't you? She wrote a New York Times op-ed piece in May about why Black women are fat. Her controversial commentary set off a firestorm in the Black community.

In her essay, Randall noted "many black women are fat because we want to be."

Well, contrary to what Ms. Randall says, I'm not fat because I want to be. Decluttering my attic reminded me of my more than 20-year struggle with weight. Upstairs I found material for Weight Watchers, eDiets, Jenny Craig. There were food journals, a pocket encyclopedia of dieting and weight loss, and books such as Dr. Ian Smith's Smash Diet. I saw information from the YMCA's National Body Challenge that I had participated in years ago and there was a folder with article after article on losing weight:
"Master Your Metabolism with Jillian Michaels"
"Drop 10 pounds in 5 weeks"
"Ten Super Foods You Should Eat"
"Top 10 GI Breakfasts"
"The Last 5 pounds Diet"
"6-minute meals for 6-pack abs"
"The Best Age-Defying Diet in the World"

I mean except for pills and surgery, I've tried it all, even fasting. In fact, the last time I did a fast I lost a lot of weight in a small amount of time. But once the fast ended I gained all my weight back. sigh...

The latest study I read is that eating dessert at breakfast helps you lose weight because it curbs your craving early in the day. Wow. Now that's something I can get with. I love dessert! (lol). Check out the article here from

Anyway, I've been teaching Jazzercise for nearly 8 years. I teach a minimum of four days a week — sometimes I teach 6 classes a week. I attend early morning boot camps throughout the year,  which means some days I'm working out twice a day (morning boot camp and evening Jazzercise classes). I also do yoga when I can afford it and I try to find vouchers that will allow me to try new things at a discounted cost. For example, this spring I took a 6-week Pilates class and I recently bought a voucher for bellydancing (fun !!!). And when I'm not doing a boot camp or yoga, I put on my sneakers and run.

Though I workout daily and try my best to eat healthy — fitting in my fruits and vegetables — I am still not thin. Unlike Ms. Randall who prayed for fat thighs as a child, I've been working my ass off for two decades trying to lose my fat thighs. (And despite all the exercise that I do, I still have them.)

Ms. Randall also insinuated that Black women are fat because their men liked them that way. She wrote: "I know many black women whose sane, handsome, successful husbands worry when their women start losing weight."

Could you please find me one of those sane, handsome, successful men?

Wait a minute, I did date a Nigerian guy who was upset when I started losing weight. But I can't vouch for his sanity. (LOL !!!)  

My weight loss journey has been long and hard and continuous. Over the years I've lost and gained, lost and gained, lost and gained. It's a daily struggle for me to lose weight. It's even harder for me to keep it off.

I'm still searching for that formula that's going to work for me.

What's been your weight loss journey?
Are you happy with your size? Why or why not?
What's your biggest struggle? Food? Exercise?
Do you think Black men prefer their women thick?

holla at me...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Back in the Game

After reading this love story on last week, I decided to try online dating again. The recently married couple met on BlackPeopleMeet. com. I had never tried this site before so I signed up. Who knows? Maybe I'll get similar results.

Well, so far I haven't met my soul mate. But that's okay. I know I have to walk through a lot of weeds to get to the quality flowers.

I must say, however, I forgot how entertaining online dating was. First of all, people need a class on the appropriate type of photo to submit to a dating website. I don't need to see 15 photos of your kids, five photos of your parents and only one photo of you. Secondly, there needs to be a limit on how many photos to submit. One dude uploaded more than 100 photos. Yep, you read that right - more than 100. Why do we need so many photos of you? Trust me, I get a sense of what you look like after the third or fourth picture.

Also, if I don't reply after your 15th message, I'm not interested. One guy who messaged me (age 55) said he was looking for someone family oriented and cited bible verses, specifically Proverbs 31:10-31. It starts off, "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." He highlighted verses 23 and 28, which say "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land (23)"; and "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her (28)."

So far the men who seem interested in me, meaning they have sent me a message or a flirt, vary in age — from 31 to 65. There's the guy who is divorced with six children. Then there's the one who's never been married but has four children. I'm also getting a lot of messages from guys over 50. It makes me wonder how I'm presenting myself. Do I look old? Maybe I just look like a "good virtuous woman" - LOL.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Marriage and Condoms

By now you've heard of the incident between former Miami Dolphins player Chad Johnson and his wife Evelyn Lozada, known for her role on VH1's reality tv show Basketball Wives.

According to news reports, the two got into an argument after Lozada found a receipt for a box of condoms in Johnson's car. The fight escalated when they arrived home and ended with Lozada running to a neighbor's house for help. She accused Johnson of head-butting her. The Los Angeles Times has this report of the 911 call.

Since then, Johnson has been released from the Miami Dolphins and Lozada has filed for divorce from the sports figure after only 41 days of marriage. Their upcoming reality show with VH1 has been cancelled.

I bet some were thinking: if he's married (and faithful), why does he need to buy condoms, right? So, I ask: Do you think you need to use condoms if you're married? Just because you get married does it mean you should stop using condoms? Should married couples use condoms?

The Johnson/Lozada incident brought to mind a documentary I saw on PBS last month titled, Endgame: AIDS in Black America. One of the most heartwrenching stories was of a woman, a good Christian lady, who had become infected with the virus from her husband, a church deacon. They had met at church, dated. They married and she became sick with flu-like symptoms during their honeymoon. Months later she was cleaning up and found his bible. A piece of paper fell out of the bible while she was putting it away. It was the results of her husband's HIV test. He was HIV positive. The results were dated a year before they had gotten married, but he had never told her of his status.

So I ask again: Once you're married, can you assume you can stop using condoms?

Let me know your thoughts...

Monday, August 6, 2012

Like Father, Like Son?

When I go out with guys, I always wonder who taught them how to treat women.

I've dated guys who grew up with both parents, had a father in the home and a male role model, but for whatever reason some of these young men were disrespectful, dishonest, mean, selfish, etc.

On the other hand, one of my most loving boyfriends grew up in a single parent home. His father was not in his life at all. But he did have a very strong relationship with his grandfather and his uncle. He was a mama's boy for sure. However, he was kind, caring and honest. He was generous, respectful and a true gentleman; sweet and super sensitive.

Then I've met guys who grew up seeing love and respect in the home between their parents and mirrored that in their own relationships. Haven't you run into that guy that says, my parents have been married for 30 years and I want that too?

I know a man whose parents have been together since they were teenagers. His father adores his mother and treats her like his queen. But this dude is just the opposite. His marriage was shortlived because of his infidelity and he has several children by different women. He doesn't want "til death do us part."

So I ask: Do you think there's a correlation between a man growing up with a father in the home or having a male presence in his life, and how he treats women?

Have you met guys who grew up with a father, but they don't treat women well?

Let me know your thoughts.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Why Haven't You?

I got up early this morning and for whatever reason the word "courage" was on my mind.
Maybe my subconscious was telling me I need some (lol).

I was still thinking about a conversation I had earlier this week
with a friend. I was telling her I need to do this, I need to do that,
yada, yada, yada.

And she looked at me and asked: Why haven't you? 

I tried to explain: "Because, well because..."
I couldn't come up with a good reason.
I realized my reasons would sound like excuses.

I know I need to make some changes in my life.
But change takes courage.
Courage takes faith.
Faith means stepping out of your comfort zone
and trusting God that everything will be okay.

I need a little courage and a lot of faith.

What's the bravest thing you've ever done?
Why did you consider it brave?
Why did you do it?
How did your life change?
Are you glad you did it or regret it? Why?

holla at me.

Friday, August 3, 2012

I'm Rich B$TCH !

If you came into a substantial amount of money, what would be your DREAM purchase?
That was the question of the day on one of the morning shows.

One caller said he would purchase an island.
Now that would be cool. I love the Caribbean and would love to live there 3-6 months out of the year - sundresses and sandals baby !

Another caller said he would buy a Bentley.
A young lady said she wanted her dream wedding.

An older gentlemen told the host that he would travel around the world.
I like that, on my list: London, Paris, Spain, Italy, Brazil, South Africa, Egypt, and that's just the start. How many years do you think I'll have to take off?

Let's see. What would be my DREAM purchase?
That's a good question. I don't know.
I think maybe I'll buy something that will continue to make money and create jobs.
I love spas. (look at Sheila Johnson)
A magazine? Well, that might not make any money (LOL !!!)
What about a network? (that would have to be a LOT of money)
A cool, hip night spot for folks over 35?
What about some land and create a beautiful waterfront with retail, restaurants and entertainment?
What about a store called "Bottom Heavy" and sell clothes for women who are, you know, bottom heavy like me? Here's the tag line: "Clothes for women with some junk in their trunk."  I think that would do well. (LOL !!!)

Anyway, let me think about it.
In the meantime: What would be your DREAM purchase?
What would you get if money was no object?
a house? car? jewelry? a private jet?

Think BIG !

holla at me...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

It's Over

I was listening to the radio this morning and the question of the day was "How Did You Know It Was Over?"
The stories were interesting:

One lady said she knew it was over when her date took out his gold teeth at a restaurant and put them on the table when their food came. (YUCK !)

Another said she knew her relationship was over when her boyfriend informed her that he had a baby on the way - obviously from another woman. (DAMN)

And a caller realized it was over when she dreaded the thought of getting engaged to her boyfriend. (He would drop hints about buying her a ring).

So I'm asking you: How did you know it was over? When did you realize that this relationship was not the best thing for you, that you had to leave?

Was it a betrayal?

Did you realize that you had different expectations of the relationship? (Maybe you wanted marriage and kids - and he didn't)

Maybe you caught him in a bunch of lies, his stories never added up and he was always "missing."

Did you begin to dread being around the person? (Every little thing he did or said got on your nerves)

Did you begin to avoid his calls or emails or texts because you didn't want to talk to him?

Or maybe he avoided your phone calls, emails and texts.

What about when he said something so mean and hateful and disrespectful that it was just unforgivable?

Maybe you just got fed up. He disappointed you just one time too many and you were tired of being frustrated all the time.

So I ask: When did you realize that it was over, that you absolutely had no future with this person?
I knew it was over when...

Holla at me.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Why Not?

I don't like him. But he likes me.
I met him at AutoZone in Maryland a couple of weeks ago.
He's from Cameroon. Mid-40s. Two kids - 14 and 4.
We've talked on the phone maybe 4 times. He annoyed me each time (kept asking me if I lived by myself).

He keeps saying that he REALLY likes me and wants to be in a serious committed relationship with me. That's interesting especially since we've never been on a date.

He wants to get together this weekend.
hmmm, why not?
It's been sooooo long since I've been on a date.
I want a boyfriend.
I guess I could try to like least enough to get through one date.
I'll be polite.
Who knows? We may actually click.

I'll keep an open mind.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

At What Cost Love

I was watching Sex and The City: The Movie on one of the cable channels this afternoon. Miranda had learned that her husband Steve had had an indiscretion.

He went to her, pleading, eyes begging, trying to apologize. He looked liked a sad, lost soul. But she wasn't hearing it. She cut him off and angrily replied (among other things): You broke us. You broke our marriage. I changed for you !

I changed for you.


What did she mean by that?
Was she upset that she gave up her so-called "great life" as an independent sassy successful attorney to marry a bartender who ended up cheating on her.  Talk about regrets. Miranda made it sound like she gave up her whole life when she got married. She felt duped.

So it made me think: Do we change who we are when we get married?

(I mean, I would hope the person I marry, is marrying me because he likes me just the way I am - or else he would find someone else he likes better - right?)

Anyway, I'm sure something about us changes when we get married. It's no longer about "I" but "we"; not "me" but "us."

I wonder if some of us are still single because we're not willing to change. We're selfish about our careers, our aspirations, our time, our space.

I do think Love has a way of CHANGING us. We make time, space, and shift our lives in new and different ways that welcomes another soul. Work and career are no longer as much of a priority.  (In fact, I would rather get a foot rub than transcribe an interview.)

Ultimately our lives do change. Something else becomes more important. But how much do we change for someone esle?

Miranda said: I changed for you. And she was mad about it. Just think about giving up your life as you know it for someone and they ultimately betray you. That's gotta hurt.

But it's a risk we take.

So I ask: What do we give up for love? Do we have to lose ourselves, the essence of who we are to make it work with someone else? How much are you willing to change? And do women make the most changes?
Let me know your thoughts.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Blame It on the Alcohol?

So I met a guy this weekend at a lounge in D.C. I was meeting a friend there and when I walked in he offered to buy me a drink. After hanging with my friend for awhile, I took him up on his offer and we sat down and talked a little.

He was tall, slim, brown. Nice-looking. I learned that he was 42, divorced with a 9-year-old daughter.

"So, do you have an advanced degree?" he asked me.

I was taken aback. I don't remember anyone ever asking me that on a first encounter. What do you mean? I asked.

And he explained: "I'm working on a Ph.D. in mathematics," he said.

Oh, okay, I said. Are you a full-time student?

"No, I work for the federal government," he said.

Really? What do you do? I asked.

"I can't tell you that," he said. Then he pulled out his cell phone and showed me a photo of him playing pool with President Obama.

"Let's just say I'm in telecommunications," he said with a little smirk.

"What about you? What do you do?" he asked.

I told him I was a journalist, a writer.

"Well this conversation is off the record," he said and ordered another drink.

What was up with this dude?

"You ever been married?" he asked.

No, I said.

"You have children?" he asked.

No, I said.

What about you? I asked him. How long have you been divorced?

"Five years," he said.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, let me explain something," he said, leaning toward me. "You know, when men get married it's not about you know, love."

"What?" I was confused. What was he talking about?

"When men get married, it's because we think the lady is a nice person, you know, that she is caring and that she'll be a good mother. It's not really about love. Marriage is a business transaction."

Now, yall know I'm a hopeless romantic. One of my favorite movies is The Notebook. I want the forever, the til death do us part. And here he was saying that didn't really exist. It was all some kind of fantasy of women.

So you didn't love your wife when you married her, when you said your vows? I asked him.

"What is love?" he asked with that smirk again.

Love is, I said. Love is. I couldn't believe I was having this conversation trying to explain what love was - in a lounge.

I thought about it. Well, it's more of a feeling. It's action, I said. I know it when I see it.  And I've felt it before, I told him. I know what it is to love and to be loved.

He shook his head. "See, no one can define love," he said. "You Cared about someone and maybe someone Cared about you. I cared about my ex-wife. I treated her well and supported her wholeheartedly. She had it real good. She didn't have to lift a finger. All she had to do was pursue her dreams."

Then he told me a story about how his grandparents had been married for more than 50 years. When his grandfather died, a few folks showed up at the funeral who claimed to be his children. He said even though his grandparents had been married a long time, his grandfather stepped out on his wife.

I didn't get the point. Just because his grandfather may have cheated means that love doesn't exist?

This dude was jaded. And I was done with this conversation. My friend came over just in time to tell me she was getting ready to leave. Hold on, I'm walking out with you, I told her.

"Wait a minute," he said and handed me his cell. "Put your number in my phone."

Huh? I asked as I stood up.

"Put your number in my phone, you making me dinner tomorrow night," he said.

This guy had to be drunk. So I blamed it on the alcohol and left.

But I have to admit: Dude really had me thinking for a minute. What is love? So I want you to complete this statement: Love is __________________.
Have you ever been in love? How do you know it was love?

holla at me...

Friday, July 20, 2012

Mama's Boys

I'm listening to the radio and they're talking to a guy, 29, whose mother comes over and cleans his apartment.

It reminded me of one of my Jazzercise students who does everything for her 17-year-old son — cooks, cleans, laundry. He'll be a senior in the fall and is looking at colleges. He's decided that he wants to attend a school close to home.


I told her he doesn't want to be far from home because he needs her to do his laundry. She laughed. He's her only child and maybe she likes doing things for him. But she wants him to go away for college — far away — so that he can learn to become independent.

This young man will be a senior in the fall. It's not too late to teach him to do his own laundry or cook his own meals. His future wife will be grateful. (lol)

I don't know. There are men who have their clothes laundered by a service, have housekeeping or cleaning ladies and grab McDonald's for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and order take out for dinner. They don't see the need to learn any of those skills. Those with less cash may take their laundry to their girlfriend and stop by mom's for a meal.

I have a friend whose husband told her when they were dating that the kitchen was her domain and he wasn't going to cook a thing (she also did his laundry when they were dating). When she travels she has to take their two kids with her because he refuses to "keep" them while she's gone. They've been married 15 years.

Now don't get me wrong, I respect an individual couple's "system." They may have an arrangement that works best for their household and is good for them, to each his own. 

Maybe girls are just raised differently. My student told me that growing up she learned how to clean and do her own laundry. But she's not teaching her son those same skills. Interesting...

It just made me wonder: Are we raising our boys to be the kind of men we would want to marry?

Any thoughts on this? What's been your experience? What are some things you desire in a mate? Would it matter if he didn't know how to cook or clean or do his own laundry?


Monday, July 16, 2012

Equally Yoked

So, what do YOU think "equally yoked" means?
Do you believe couples should be "equally yoked"? In your opinion, how does being "equally yoked" or "not being equally yoked" impact the success or failure of a relationship?

A few months ago, it's probably been a year now, I heard an author on NPR talk about the failure of her marriage. She was an attorney who married a blue-collar guy. They grew up together in the same neighborhood, but after high school she went to college and he went in another direction. Nevertheless, they married and had children.

If I remember correctly, the author discussed how, when they would attend her company's work events, she would cringe when her husband had a conversation with her colleagues. She talked about how his bad grammar embarrassed her at times.

Then there were the money issues. She didn't seem to mind being the breadwinner of the family. However, they disagreed on what to do with the money. Her husband was interested in material things — nice car, expensive home, clothes, jewelry. But she wanted to save for their children's college education. They valued different things.

And I think that's the key: Values.

Just because someone didn't attend college and you did, does that mean you're not equally-yoked? What does having the same "values" mean? I'm thinking about what's important to a person: their spiritual foundation, family, education, ambition, willingness to grow. Do they have integrity? Are they honest and respectful?

I think sometimes we may realize a little too late — when we're all in — that a person may not have the same values or value the same things we do - you know. You feel me? That's why I have to take it real slow when I date now.

So talk to me about equally-yoked and values and you know, stuff like that...

holla at me...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


So, I really need a boyfriend quick.
I was looking at the air conditioner guy like he was steak and potatoes, peach cobbler with ice cream on top !

Sunday, July 8, 2012

An Arranged Marriage

I was going to write about forgiveness tonite, but I started watching this show on TLC called Getting Married to the Moonies and you know when I find something interesting I want to share it. Anyway, the show follows three couples who were matched by their parents, all followers of Rev. Sun Myung Moon. One of the couples features a young lady from London who was matched with a guy from Korea who speaks very little English. The were matched just three days before their wedding.

The couples participate in a mass wedding of 2,000 brides whose marriages are blessed by their messiah. They are suppose to be "pure" when they wed and have to practice 40 days of abstinence after the mass wedding.
Check out this piece on the Huffington Post about the TLC documentary.

One of the parents on the show talk about how the process is less about physical attraction and more of a "commitment to marriage." During the ceremony I hear words like "true love" and "soul mates" from strangers who met just a couple of months or a couple of days before. They all pledge to become "true" husband and wife. According to the show, the divorce rate among Moon followers is only 17 percent.

Dating is hard —the disappointment, the lies, the inconsistency.  It seems that in an arranged marriage you're dating while you're married. You know, you're getting to know each other after you've said your vows. interesting...

So I ask: Would you consider an arranged marriage? Why or Why not? Would you trust your parents or your family to match you with a good partner? Why or Why not?

holla at me...

Thursday, June 28, 2012

On Second Thought

Have you guys seen the reality tv show Tanisha Gets Married? Tanisha is one of the young ladies from Oxygen's Bad Girls Club and her new show on the network follows her journey to the altar.

I wanted you guys to check out this clip. It's only a minute. Take a peek and let me know your thoughts.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Necessary and Extraordinary

I need to grow some balls.

I mean I'm a nice person. I'm polite. I avoid confrontation and conflict. I am sensitive to others' feelings and needs. I play well with others. I agree - even when I disagree.

I'm a good girl. Employers like folks like me. I'm not demanding. I show up to work on time. I do a great job. I don't start mess or into a lot of drama. I respect my elders, and my bosses. I don't complain. I am reliable and responsible. I work hard, often going above and beyond.

But none of this has yielded me what I want or believe I deserve.

I learned from a broadcast veteran last week, that in today's competitive job market you have to be bold in your decision-making (because of course only you are responsible for your career). But she mentioned something else that struck a chord. In order to be successful in your fight, you have to be necessary and extraordinary.

Necessary and extraordinary.

Do you think you're NECESSARY at your job? Could things still get done if you were gone? Would the place shut down if you were not there?

What about extraordinary? Are you the best at what you do or are you replaceable? Could someone come in and do the same thing you do?

I realized over the weekend that those who don't take any sh$t are the ones who go places, while people like me hope that our talent (and good work ethic) is recognized - and maybe rewarded.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Man Food

This weekend I was watching an episode of the old sitcom 227. I was in another room when I heard Pearl tell Mary that "if she don't hold onto her man, somebody else will." I laughed.

It reminded me of an article I read last month on the web site Jezebel. The story, titled The Cheating Dads of Brooklyn, asked: "Do married dads cheat on their wives because they feel "dethroned" by their kids?"

The article quoted the CEO of Ashley Madison, a web site that encourages adultery. The CEO noted, "for men...infidelity usually comes into play when children come on to the scene."

The author also pointed to a Huffington Post video by relationship coach LiYana Silver. Jezebel quotes Silver's video in which she says men don't cheat because they're horny, but a top reason is because they don't feel valued (I read an O magazine article some time ago that basically said the same thing). In the video Silver says, "acknowledgement and appreciation are like this very important kind of man food, and when he doesn't get it… he'll find someone he will feel appreciated with."

So basically, if you don't want your man to cheat, make sure he feels appreciated, valued — you know, give him some MAN FOOD, feed him honey! I sort of hinted at this in a previous post — see  Loving Him (Part 1). But I guess it may be difficult if you have the additional responsibilities of taking care of a young baby, toddlers, teenagers and a growing family.

One of my old college buddies is having a difficult time in his marriage. He says his wife constantly tells him he's not good enough and that he's a terrible father. He feels beat down. But he doesn't see cheating as the answer. Instead he's looking into divorce.

Do you remember the Oprah episode that featured couples who put their marriage before their children? It was very controversial and people thought the couples were selfish and not good parents. But take a couple like the Christies. Former NBA player Doug Christie and his wife Jackie renew their vows every year, most recently on Basketball Wives, LA (did you see him crying when she walked down the aisle?). People called Jackie crazy and Doug "whipped" because she followed him to all his away games when the team traveled to different cities. But she never hid the fact that she put her husband first, above all else. So far, it's worked for them and Jackie doesn't have any problems when it comes to infidelity in her marriage. In fact, other couples have approached them for advice on staying together.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on this whole "man food" stuff? Do you believe being an "appreciator" deters cheating?

holla at me.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

No-Buy Month

Today was the last day of my "no-buy month." And man, it's been hard.
I can now get my grass cut.
I can go buy some sunglasses. Can you imagine me being out in the sun and heat without shades?
I've already made a hair appointment (yes !).
I plan to get my car washed sometime this weekend. It's a hot mess.

I feel... free!

I think the hardest thing about "no-buy month" was not socializing with my friends. I couldn't go to Happy Hours or the movies (I missed the Avengers). I'm glad I was able to use some vouchers that I had bought a long time ago — one for brunch and one for dinner - and I thank my friends who agreed to pay the taxes and tip on the vouchers. I'm also happy for close friends who "treated" me to dinner because they knew I was doing "no-buy month."

I got the idea to do a "no-buy month" from Natalie McNeal, founder of The Frugalista Files. Natalie came up with the idea in 2008. The purpose was to, for a month, only spend money on the necessities: groceries, gas, your bills. So she went a month without getting her hair and nails done or eating out and was able to save about $400. She eventually got out of debt and detailed her journey in the book, The Frugalista Files: How One Woman Got Out of Debt Without Giving Up the Fabulous Life.  Here are some of her  rules for "no-buy month." McNeal now does a "no-buy month" every February.

Note to Lottie: Never do a "no-buy month" in the spring and summer months, when it's nice outside and lots of fun things to do.

But I decided to do it in May because I had gone home in April for Easter and also to celebrate my niece's first birthday. I went a little overboard with my sister, so a "no-buy month" was my way of reeling myself in.

I never realized until now how much I spend on little things. I'm not the type of person who goes on a lot of trips, has a lot of designer clothes, shoes or bags, or even eats out a lot. But I realized that during the week, I do a lot of impulse buying - maybe picking up an iced tea from McDonald's on the way home or some dark-chocolate raisinets. I always thought of myself as frugal - until I couldn't spend money.

I did slip up a few times. For example, though I used my store credit at TJMAXX to buy Mother's Day gifts for my sister and step-mother, I had to spend money to actually send the gifts to Mississippi. Also, I was required to fax an important document for a project I'm working on. I no longer work in an office and I don't have a fax at home, so I had to go to FEDEX/Kinkos to fax.

Overall, it was a very eye-opening experience. I'll do it again, but this time maybe in January - or March :)

So, what's your thoughts on "no-buy month"?
Would you do it? Why or Why not?
What would be the hardest thing for you to give up? (coffee? hair appointments? going out to eat?)

Holla at me...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Love Dance

I was in one of my moods this morning and was going to write a post about how it sucks being single. It's been a long time since I've been on a date and I was going to do a little whining — blah, blah, blah.
(Anyway, who are these people who think life is better without companionship?)

Then I turned on the television and got even more depressed. The Today Show was doing a segment on "Skinny Speeddating" — speeddating for men who are only interested in women who are thin. What about speeddating for men who are interested in women who are bottom-heavy? You know, men who like the song, "Baby Got Back."

sigh... I just can't win can I?

Anyway, I was getting a little pissed off, but then the Today Show featured a recently engaged couple in which the man orchestrated an elaborate choreographed proposal to his girlfriend. He got 60 of their friends to participate and dance to Bruno Mars' Marry Me. I loved it !

The video made me smile. I'm such a hopeless romantic and already thinking of unique ways my fiance can propose to me (just kidding).

Now yall know I love to dance. In fact, I want to have a choreographed first dance at my wedding reception to Beyonce's Love on Top. My friends already know they're gonna have to learn a dance routine. It's gonna be fun! But until that happens, please check out Isaac's proposal to Amy below. Let me know what you think:

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

At The Crossroads

Do you feel powerless sometimes, like you have no control over certain situations - whether personal or professional - like, there's nothing you can do to change the situation?

Do you ask: Okay, what do I do now? Are you at a loss of what you should do, can do?

Do you feel that no one really understands your circumstances or what you're going through?

Hmm, is it hard to admit the fear or trepidation that accompanies your indecision or inaction?

What is your next move? How do you get to that space of happiness?

Or do you settle for what happened as what is and resign yourself to the fact that this is how it's gonna be?

At a crossroads, you can choose to go that way or that way - do I do this or do I do that? (you can get with this or you can get with that) You can also choose to stay here (x marks the spot) and do nothing. 

It's so easy to stay where you are  -  in this space, at this place (or is it?) Just don't get run over by the train...

holla at me.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I heard this term on the Steve Harvey Morning Show this morning during the "Strawberry Letter." I was like - what? huh?

Have you heard of this term before?

I guess it means your boyfriend hasn't formally proposed yet, but you've talked about marriage — so you're "pre-engaged."


Monday, May 14, 2012

The Time Cover

Just a few days before Mother's Day, Time magazine featured a woman breast-feeding her 3 (nearly 4)-year-old son on its cover. The photo was quite controversial. The actual article, however, was on attachment parenting, which, according to an article on, includes techniques such as extended nursing, using cloth diapers and co-sleeping. Some believe attachment parenting helps create a close and positive bond between mother and child.

But my question is not about attachment parenting. I want to know how you feel about the cover. Also, what is your opinion of extended nursing? 

A Washington Post story noted that about 44 percent of mothers breast-feed for about six months and only about 15 percent follow the advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics which recommends breast-feeding for a year. The group touted the benefits of breast-feeding for babies. Breast-fed babies, it pointed out, have a stronger immune system, are less likely to develop asthma or become overweight later in childhood.

What are your thoughts on breast-feeding a child over the age of 1? According to a piece on NY, the mother on Time's cover said she was breast-fed until she was 6-years-old and said it's the reason she has such a close bond with her mother.

So, what are your thoughts on the cover? Do you think it received such a strong reaction because the child was a young boy — as opposed to a young girl?
How do you feel about extended nursing?

Let me know your thoughts.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Love Connection

So, I met a guy yesterday while walking down the street. His name is Cleophus.
But he hasn't called me yet.


Monday, April 30, 2012

I Take Responsibility For

I subscribe to the blog Positively Positive and about once a day I get something uplifting, encouraging or inspiring in my inbox. Last week, contributor Jennifer Pastiloff wrote a blog about responsibility. She said she encourages her yoga students to get a journal and write the sentence "I take responsibility for..." and they have to complete the sentence, or sentences. Read the entire post here.

So I tried it.
I take responsibility for - my health.
I take responsibility for - my procrastination.
I take responsibility for - the clutter in my home.
I take responsibility for - my romantic choices.
I take responsibility for - my professional choices.
I take responsibility for - my lack of action.
I take responsibility for - my financial future.

Wow, that was pretty liberating (makes me wanna go clean up my room and throw out those brownies I bought yesterday — LOL).

Pastiloff reminds students to not be so hard on themselves and take responsibility for some of the good things they've done in their lives — "your awesomeness" she says.

But she also notes that it's important to NOT take responsibility for things you're not responsible for. For example, after years of guilt she no longer takes responsibility for her dad dying.

The exercise can be difficult, but it really puts things in perspective because it forces you to take a look at your life and take ownership of where you are today. It's so easy to blame someone else, outside forces, for our current situation.

So today I challenge you to write the sentence: "I take responsibility for..." and complete it.

What do you take responsibility for?

What are you NOT taking responsibility for?

Holla at me.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Don't Believe The Hype

My friend Tanya Ballard Brown posted an article from Marie Claire on Facebook the other day. The essay by journalist Helena Andrews is titled Setting The Record Straight. Read the short piece here.

In her essay Andrews dispels the myth that 70 percent of Black women are single and vows to declare war on this widely spread statistic. She points to the numerous articles that have been written about the single Black woman in recent years and the books that have come out of our "dire situation,"  including the bestseller Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man, which has been turned into a blockbuster movie. But Andrews says, "It's time to revolt."

"As a 31-year-old college-educated black woman who's never been married, everywhere I turn, the odds of finding a good man are against me," the author writes.

But Andrews points to her own relationship as evidence that reality may be different than what the media is portraying. She is dating a college-educated Black man who "isn't a felon, a deadbeat, a father of illegitimate children, or a cheat." She talked to other Black women, who happen to be single, but who also refuse to buy into the "epidemic of singledom." TV producer Nyree Emory, 38, noted that the number of unmarried women in her social circle was very low.

That's what Ivory Toldson, a psychology professor at Howard University, has been trying to get across over the past few years. He analyzed census data between the years 2000 and 2009 and found that "most black women eventually do marry" and, he told Andrews, "75 percent of black women older than age 35 have wed at least once." (My step-sister is on her fourth marriage.)

Now, a lot of people like to beat me up about what I want, calling me unrealistic and all that other stuff. But I like what Tina Wells, CEO of Buzz Marketing had to say in the article: "The statistic that the media love to hype means nothing to me," she says. "I'm focused on living my best life, and — by doing that, I'll attract the right guy."

Amen Sista! Keep Hope Alive !


Friday, April 20, 2012

Think Like A Man

So I saw the movie, Think Like A Man, based on the best-selling book by radio host and comedian Steve Harvey. It was hilarious !!! (Man, I could stare into Michael Ealy's eyes all night.)

First let me say this: I think it was pretty smart of the movie's producers to put a dash of media folks in the film. There was Sherri Shepherd, a co-host on The View, talk show host Wendy Williams, J. Anthony Brown from The Tom Joyner Morning Show and Jamie Foster Brown, publisher of Sister2Sister magazine. This was a great strategy. I mean with representation from television, radio and magazine this guarantees that the movie will get mentioned on every media platform and plenty of POSITIVE publicity. Though they had minor roles, each person will talk up the movie because, well, they're in it. (LOL !)

Anyway, now to the movie. Did you see it? If so, what did you think of what Steve was saying or what did you think he was saying through this movie? (Those are two separate questions.) I didn't read the book, but for those who did I would love to know what you thought of the movie.

Could you relate to the female characters — Taraji Henson, the super successful COO who wanted a man who was as successful as she was;  Meagan Good, the one who always fell for "playas," guys who left her after they got the "cookie"; Regina Hall, the single mother who had to compete with her boyfriend's mother for his attention; or Gabrielle Union, who struggled to get her long-term boyfriend to grow up and commit. The college sweethearts had been together nine years and he was comfortable with things just the way they were.

Have you dated any of the male characters — the Playa, the Mama's boy, the Dreamer or the non-Committal. Well, I've dated a version of all of these guys in some form or another. (Oh yeah, Morris Chestnut makes a cameo as a self-absorbed super successful CEO).

Predictably, by the end of the movie, all the men had become better people - thanks in part to their relationships with women who required, demanded - Respect (GASP!).

Alright, alright I got the lessons Steve Harvey: 1) You must have standards. 2) No matter how successful you are, you shouldn't date a man based on what he has (or doesn't have), but what matters most is how he treats you. Does he respect you? Does he put you first? Does he make you happy?

Anyway, the movie had me thinking: that cashier in Harris Teeter who kept asking me if I was married? Maybe I should have given him my number. He looked like he had "potential." - LOL !!!

Holla at me. Let me know what you think.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


The April issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, is dedicated to all things DELICIOUS. The theme is, "Make Your Life More Delicious."

Oprah's team was asked: What's your definition of "delicious"? Most mentioned food (homemade buttermilk biscuits, pan-fried pizza, chocolate fondue, a dirty vodka martini), some mentioned people (Ryan Gosling), some brought up pets (baby pandas, a walk at the beach with my dog) and others mentioned hobbies (connecting with a baseball, watching old movies).

Then there were those that pulled at my heart strings like:
"The sound of my son giggling."
"Hugs from my boys when I get home from work."
"Watching the sunset with my Mommom"
"Anything my mom cooks when I'm at home."
"Watching someone I love open a present."

Here are some things I think are DELICIOUS:
1) Spending time with my family (playing with my twin nephews and giving my niece big kisses on her cheeks)

2) A FREE party with good food, cool people and a great DJ for lots of DANCING !

3) A foot rub by someone special

4) A day at the spa with an exfoliating facial and aromatherapy massage

5) Achieving a long-term goal

6) Beautiful days (sunny, 75,80-degree weather) and warm nights

7) A good brunch with a veggie omelet, tasty pancakes and unlimited belinis, Thanksgiving dinner and Dessert ! (especially the mixed berry cobbler from Wegman’s – now that’s the devil)

8) Being in love, holding hands

9) A great jazzercise class with energetic, enthusiastic students

10) Witnessing my mentee graduate from college

So, I ask: What's your definition of delicious? What are some things you think are delicious?

Let me know.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Today's Dating Scene

There seems to be some kind of theme going on. A few weeks ago, I pointed out an article in Uptown magazine titled "7 Things in Relationships That Separate Men From Boys." Here's my original post.

This time's matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson tackles the "men v. boys" issue and comes up with his own list. In his list of How to Tell If You're Dating a Boy or a Man two of his points really struck a chord.

The first was #11: Boys send text messages. Men call.
I have to tell you, this has become one of my biggest pet peeves - men who only want to text. What happened to picking up the phone and having a real CONVERSATION - talking? I met a guy during a speeddating session on Valentine's Day. Well, we've exchanged text messages and that's about it. He sends the usual -"How was your day," or "What are your plans for this weekend," etc. But not once has he picked up the phone to have a conversation. I want to hear your voice. I want to get to know you by talking to you and finding out what you're interested in, your hobbies, your goals. I want to hear you laugh - not see LOL. I want to hear when you're passionate or happy or disappointed. Don't send me a text with a sad face. geez. Listen, I don't have unlimited texting, so there's only so much texting you can do before I start charging you.

The second item that struck a chord was #14: Boys split the check. Men pay.
I know a guy who stopped dating a woman because she didn't offer to pay half for dinner. He met her online. The guy, a 50-something professional, asked her out to dinner. They went to a nice restaurant in the city. When the check came it was nearly $100. Well, he was turned off that she didn't even offer to pay the tip. But he liked her, thought she was very attractive, so he asked her out again. They went to another restaurant and again, she didn't move a finger when the check came. He was upset. "It's expensive to date," he said. "And she didn't even offer to put something on the check." He never called her again. Huh? If a guy asks you out on a first date, are you suppose to pay half or offer to contribute to the bill?

So what do you guys think? Is this the way people date today - texting and expecting women to pay half for dinner?

What's up with these "text-only" relationships? (if you can call it a relationship) I mean how can you effectively communicate and get to know someone when you're only texting? Why don't today's men want to pick up the phone and talk?

And what about contributing to the date? Are women suppose to contribute to the date if a guys asks them out? Does it matter if it's the first date, second date or months-long, yearlong relationship?