Monday, January 23, 2012

Can He Live Without You?

Last week I checked out an article in The New York Times after seeing it mentioned on the CBS morning show. The article was titled, "Alone Again, Naturally (Why Men Can't Stand to Be Alone)." Please read the entire piece here.

The author's premise is that women are just fine being alone, but men can't be alone for more than about "three months" and are most likely to remarry. Basically, women can live without men, but men can't live without women.

She notes:
"Most single women I know really love their lives. Sometimes we suffer pangs of loneliness, sometimes we ache for the companionship of that mythic soul mate, but mostly we cherish our independence. We love doing whatever we want to do, when we want to do it."

On men she argues:
"Being alone feels dangerous to a man. No one has your back. No one feeds you. No one nurses you in your sickbed. No one takes up a watch if you vanish or sends out a search party if you wander off the trail."

Toward the end of the piece she writes that in the 70s she learned that "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Today, she says, "I understand why a man needs marriage like a fish needs water."

I get it. Men need marriage because marriage makes them feel SAFE in a dangerous society. Marriage is like a warm winter coat in a cold cruel world.

But while the author points out the many advantages of being a single woman — don't have to worry about cooking, don't have to get permission to spend your own money, don't have to worry about being judged or criticized — I personally believe she's missing an important element in her thesis.

Sure, I agree that men like to be taken care of, but I think she ignores the fact that men have limitless options when it comes to women and so they don't have to be alone.
Women however, have fewer options, and many choose to seek meaningful companionship/relationships over a warm body in their beds.

Think about it: We may know single men, but do we really know men who are really, truly SINGLE? Girl, you know he got somebody — maybe a dinner companion, a bowling buddy or that special "friend" that stays over every once and a while.

Remember, we're their winter coat when it's freezing outside.

Anyway, what do yall think?
Holla at me.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

An Open Marriage

In an exclusive interview with Nightline, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's second ex-wife, Marianne Gingrich, revealed how her former husband confessed that he had been having a six-year affair with a Congressional staffer (now his wife, Callista) and asked her for an "open marriage." Marianne refused and the couple eventually divorced - just a few months after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. You can read the entire article here from USA Today.

Now, this isn't a post about Gingrich's moral character - you know, how he would call his wife every night to tell her "I Love You" with his mistress in bed beside him. But I just want to know - what's the point of an "Open Marriage"? Why be married at all? Why don't you just be single and date? Do you know any couples who have an open marriage?

I guess folks do it for different reasons - to keep up appearances as a happy couple, or maybe to advance careers (or keep high-profile positions) or to avoid a nasty, costly divorce. I don't know.

What yall think?
What if your husband asked you for an "open marriage"? How would you respond? What would you say?

Let me know your thoughts.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

His Last Name

When you get married are you going to take your husband's last name? Why or Why not?

In an article in Clutch Magazine titled, Will You Take This Man - and His Last Name, Janelle Harris writes about how her fiance became upset when he learned that she plans to hyphenate her name once they're married. It would be Harris-Williams.

Harris noted in the piece, "...he takes offense to the idea of me attaching his last name to the one I already have. The move, according to him, says I’m wishy washy about my commitment and is a flashing neon indicator that I’m not ready to leave my family and be a wife."

Wow. I had never thought about that.

I know a lot of folks with hyphenated names. I also know a lot of folks who don't change their names at all. They keep their maiden name.

However, when my close childhood girlfriend got married, her husband always reminded me of her new last name. Growing up, I always referred to her as Keisha Jones and, out of habit, called her that one day. But her husband promptly corrected me: No, her name is Keisha SMITH, making it very clear that she was a SMITH, his wife, a part of his family. There was no hyphen in her name or attachment to a maiden name.

But as Harris notes in her article, "There is no level-headed reason why a woman should have to abandon her family’s last name in order to prove her fidelity and allegiance to her man."

She continued: "As women wait longer to get married — or take longer to find someone worth marrying — we’re already well-established in our work lives by the time our dream beau comes along. So it should be understandable that many of us don’t want the hassle of converting our longstanding professional identities."


I don't know if I'm going to change my last name when I get married or even hyphenate it. I think I'll just be Lottie Joiner. (but what if this hurts my husband's feelings?)
But I also have to consider the fact that marriage would be beginning a new life (where 2 become 1) and maybe a name change would signify my new status as a married woman.

I don't know yall.

What do you think? What are your thoughts on this?
Will you change your last name, hyphenate it or just add your
new husband's name to your last name?
What are your reasons?
Would you consider your husband's feelings in your decision? What
if he really wanted you to change your name - would you?

Let me know your thoughts.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Oral Transactions

After watching the latest episode of the Braxton "Family Values" last night, I felt compelled to write today. You know the show. It's on WE TV about singer Toni Braxton and her family.

I couldn't believe my ears when one of the sisters, Trina, sat at the dinner table with her mother and sisters talking about how she performed oral sex on a man, not her husband (yes she's married).

According to the show recap on Hello Beautiful, Trina exclaimed: "I sucked on a ****! I sure did, and I liked it, and I enjoyed it! Excuse me, Mommy, I’m sorry. But you know what? I tasted it, I sucked it, and I liked it."


Call me a prude, but I think it's a little disrespectful/distasteful to talk about giving a man a blow job (or slobbing knobs as Tamar likes to say) while in the company of your parents. I mean, I know they're all adult, all are married and all do grown woman stuff — but aren't there some things you just don't talk about around "mommy"?

I know they're all close to their mother and feel like they can talk to her about anything, but did she really need to know that you did that? For her part, Mama Braxton expressed her disapproval with Trina's outburst.

But is it worse than the sex tapes that have made celebrities out of other families? Let me know your thoughts.

In the meantime, check out the clip below as Trina talks to her sisters Towanda and Tamar about her oral transactions:

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What's Your Price?

How much is your time worth? How much would someone have to pay you for the pleasure of being in your company?

Okay, let me ask you this: Would you go out with a guy you really weren't attracted to or even interested in if he PAID you say - a hundred bucks?

That's the premise behind the website According to the site: " provides the platform for generous members to bid on a first date with attractive members. By offering a little incentive, attractive members are more inclined to take a risk on someone who isn’t their usual type, and if the date goes sour, at least they won’t be going home empty handed."

The average price a generous person pays to go out with an attractive person is $100. The most someone paid to go out with an attractive person was $3,000.

I heard about this site while watching an episode of Anderson, Anderson Cooper's talk show. The website's founder, Brandon Wade, said he came up with the concept because he was a nerd — a graduate of MIT — and didn't feel comfortable approaching women in bars. He felt that women would go out with him if they didn't feel like they were wasting their time - if their time was fully compensated.

hmmm. okay.

The show featured a woman who had gone out on 7 or 8 dates using the site. She said the most she received to go on a date was $350. (But two of the men she went out with ended up being married)

Anderson also featured 2 men who used the service. One man took a woman to a Prince concert - a Prince concert! (He paid a woman to go to a Prince concert with him - wow). Anyway, the other guy was 60, twice divorced who dated women between the age of 22 and 35. He's the one who shed out $3,000 to take a woman out on a date.

Basically the guys said they didn't have time, their busy schedules didn't permit them to go the traditional route of dating - so they used this site mainly because it featured better quality women than the other dating sites, they said.

The expert on the show, however, compared the site to prostitution or an escort service. But Wade insisted that sex was prohibited and emphasized that the site was for people to find a date and maybe make a lasting connection.

So, I ask - What's your price?
If someone offered you $100 to go out on a date (maybe dinner and a movie), would you go (no strings attached)?
What do you think of this site?
Would you sign up for this site?

Let me know your thoughts.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

In Sickness and in Health

The wedding has been postponed.

My friend met her fiance online. After two years of dating he proposed. She happily accepted and started planning a fabulous wedding. She got her dress, found a church and put a down payment on a reception hall. He moved in.

Everything was on track.

Then she learned her aunt, who had cancer, had only a little time left so she postponed her Aug. 5th nuptials. Her mother's sister was dear to her and she didn't know when it would be her last day.

Well her aunt lost her battle with cancer in October. My friend, who has taken medication for manic depression, became depressed shortly after the funeral.

He couldn't handle it.

Her fiance moved out of their home and in with his mother. He claimed that my friend needed to work out her "issues."


I went to visit my friend today and she is not the same. She usually has a very gracious and positive attitude. I'm used to her being bubbly, outgoing, smiling. But she barely got out the bed to answer the door when I knocked. She was sluggish, trying her best to put on a good face.

A new date has not been set for the wedding. She still has her dress and she believes her deposits are good for up to a year.

But she's having second thoughts about her prospective groom.

His picture is still on the wall. But she's wondering if she really wants to marry someone who will run every time she has "issues."


What do you think?
Do you think her fiance did the right thing by leaving?
What about "for better or for worse," "in sickness and in health"?
Wouldn't you want someone who would be able to handle your ups and downs?

Let me know your thoughts.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year: New Possibilities, New Opportunities

As we enter a new year, I'm reminded of a sermon my pastor preached not too long ago. He asked: Is it better to regret what you've done or to regret what you didn't do?

He went on: "Have you sat on the sidelines of life and let opportunities walk by? Are you everything God created you to be? Are you living up to what God wants you to be? Why aren't you stepping up to the opportunities God has given you? Why do you fail to move when God has opened up a door of opportunity?"

My pastor noted 3 Reasons why we don't take advantage of the opportunities that life presents us:
1) We are intimidated by the possibility
2) We feel inadequate for the position - asking ourselves if we have what it takes to handle the job.
3) We are insecure about our past

The sermon hit home.

This year I vow to be open to new possibilities. We have a chance for a new beginning, a fresh start. I've started off the year decluttering my home and I have a list of professional goals I would like to achieve. I just hope I have the COURAGE to take advantage of the opportunities that may come my way.

As you think about the things you want to accomplish this year I don't want you to be intimidated by the possibilities, feel inadequate about your talent or be insecure about your past. Let's get off the sidelines and step up to the opportunities that God will put in our lives. Let's move forward with courage and faith. There's so much that awaits us.

Here's to 2012 !