Friday, August 31, 2012

Oh No He Didn't

Recently my friend Tanya sent me a link to an article titled 10 Things Women Find Unattractive About Men But Won't Tell Them that was featured on the website SBM (Single Black Male).

The author had some interesting points. It made me think of when a guy tried to tell me what not to eat at a restaurant because he didn't want me to "lose that cute shape" or when I guy hushed me in a movie theater. Look, I am animated and sometimes I get a little excited when I'm really into a good movie. Don't tell me to ssshhh.

Now I'm about a decade older than the author of the SBM piece, so here are a few things I found unattractive about men, but didn't tell them:
 1) Bragging about how much he had — I went out with a guy who found it necessary to tell me that he was driving the most expensive BMW. There were only a few made in the world and he had one of them.There was another guy who drove me around and told me how many buildings he owned and how much his house cost in the suburbs.

2) Pretending to be someone he was not — What's worse than bragging about what you have? Pretending that you have something you don't. I dated a guy who spent his weekends getting dressed up in expensive gear, riding to the club in his friend's Bentley, popping bottles ($400 champaign) in the VIP lounge and making people think he was Mr. Big. Oh, did I mention that he was near 50, had his house foreclosed and his car repossessed.

3) Undependable - I really find it unattractive when a man doesn't do what he says he 's gonna do. If you tell me that you're going to do something, don't call me an hour before with some lame ass excuse that's usually a lie. Keep your word.

4) Lying - Oh man have I heard the lies. It's funny that some men actually think you don't know they're lying. It's very unattractive that you think I'm that stupid. Just because I don't call you on your lie doesn't mean I don't know you're lying. I went out with a guy once who initially told me he didn't have any children. Later he admitted he had four. I asked him why he lied. He said because he didn't think I would go out with him if I knew he had 4 kids. Well, that was for me to decide, and he didn't give me that choice. I've gone out with plenty of fathers. 

5) Not open-minded — I find it unattractive when a man doesn't want to try or do different things. I dated a guy who only wanted to go to the movies and dinner. I like museums, theater, festivals, sporting events, etc. I once suggested we go see Alvin Ailey or Stomp. He said he would go, but he wasn't gonna pay. On another occasion, I suggested we head down to the Alexandria Waterfront. It was a beautiful afternoon, spring I think. He scoffed at the idea and said, "what we gonna do, walk around?" Uh, yeah. It was a gorgeous day.

6) Loud - Why does everyone have to know when you arrive? There’s something about a man who has presence without saying a word. It's a quiet confidence. It shows in the way he walks, his conversation, the way he conducts himself around his peers and the way he treats women.

7)  Expect women to chase them – Remember the guy I met last year who said, “I don’t chase. I got 10 women lined up. Women take care of me.” Yuck. I think there's a difference in showing someone you're interested in them and chasing them. 

8)   Drunk – I think it's very unattractive to see a guy drunk in public or even in private.  A guy came over to my house once, drunk. He reeked of alcohol, that wasn't a good look at all (or smell).

9)  Tardiness – A couple of years ago a guy showed up more than an hour late for our date. Needless to say we never went out again. Obviously he didn't respect my time.

10) Constantly checking his cell during a date – You that important?

Alright, so those are some things that I thought of off hand.
What are some things you find unattractive about men, but won't tell them?

holla at me...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Men and Self Esteem

Okay, I have to give it to the guys on Black People Meet. They think very highly of themselves.

On your profile, you have the opportunity to describe your looks and body type.
For looks, the choices are:
very good looking
stunning looking

For body type:
few extra pounds
big and beautiful

Now a lot of these guys who I would consider average-looking, describe themselves as good looking or very good-looking. One guy even described himself as stunning looking. I just laughed out loud (maybe he was trying to be funny to show that he had a sense of humor).

For body type, some guys have described themselves as athletic, most say they are average. However, the few who say they have a "few extra pounds" are way more than a few extra pounds, but they don't see themselves that way.

I thought that was interesting because I think a lot of women are hard on themselves when it comes to their looks. They underestimate just how beautiful they are. But it seems men have very high self esteem.

What do you think?

holla at me...

Monday, August 20, 2012

A Fat Black Woman

Last week I started decluttering my attic. I found things I haven't used in seven years — old printers, computers, jewelry cases, photo frames and a host of other things. There was a lot of paper.

Going through my stuff I realized that I had loads and loads of information and material on weight loss, dieting. Despite what Alice Randall thinks, I don't want to be fat. You remember Randall don't you? She wrote a New York Times op-ed piece in May about why Black women are fat. Her controversial commentary set off a firestorm in the Black community.

In her essay, Randall noted "many black women are fat because we want to be."

Well, contrary to what Ms. Randall says, I'm not fat because I want to be. Decluttering my attic reminded me of my more than 20-year struggle with weight. Upstairs I found material for Weight Watchers, eDiets, Jenny Craig. There were food journals, a pocket encyclopedia of dieting and weight loss, and books such as Dr. Ian Smith's Smash Diet. I saw information from the YMCA's National Body Challenge that I had participated in years ago and there was a folder with article after article on losing weight:
"Master Your Metabolism with Jillian Michaels"
"Drop 10 pounds in 5 weeks"
"Ten Super Foods You Should Eat"
"Top 10 GI Breakfasts"
"The Last 5 pounds Diet"
"6-minute meals for 6-pack abs"
"The Best Age-Defying Diet in the World"

I mean except for pills and surgery, I've tried it all, even fasting. In fact, the last time I did a fast I lost a lot of weight in a small amount of time. But once the fast ended I gained all my weight back. sigh...

The latest study I read is that eating dessert at breakfast helps you lose weight because it curbs your craving early in the day. Wow. Now that's something I can get with. I love dessert! (lol). Check out the article here from

Anyway, I've been teaching Jazzercise for nearly 8 years. I teach a minimum of four days a week — sometimes I teach 6 classes a week. I attend early morning boot camps throughout the year,  which means some days I'm working out twice a day (morning boot camp and evening Jazzercise classes). I also do yoga when I can afford it and I try to find vouchers that will allow me to try new things at a discounted cost. For example, this spring I took a 6-week Pilates class and I recently bought a voucher for bellydancing (fun !!!). And when I'm not doing a boot camp or yoga, I put on my sneakers and run.

Though I workout daily and try my best to eat healthy — fitting in my fruits and vegetables — I am still not thin. Unlike Ms. Randall who prayed for fat thighs as a child, I've been working my ass off for two decades trying to lose my fat thighs. (And despite all the exercise that I do, I still have them.)

Ms. Randall also insinuated that Black women are fat because their men liked them that way. She wrote: "I know many black women whose sane, handsome, successful husbands worry when their women start losing weight."

Could you please find me one of those sane, handsome, successful men?

Wait a minute, I did date a Nigerian guy who was upset when I started losing weight. But I can't vouch for his sanity. (LOL !!!)  

My weight loss journey has been long and hard and continuous. Over the years I've lost and gained, lost and gained, lost and gained. It's a daily struggle for me to lose weight. It's even harder for me to keep it off.

I'm still searching for that formula that's going to work for me.

What's been your weight loss journey?
Are you happy with your size? Why or why not?
What's your biggest struggle? Food? Exercise?
Do you think Black men prefer their women thick?

holla at me...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Back in the Game

After reading this love story on last week, I decided to try online dating again. The recently married couple met on BlackPeopleMeet. com. I had never tried this site before so I signed up. Who knows? Maybe I'll get similar results.

Well, so far I haven't met my soul mate. But that's okay. I know I have to walk through a lot of weeds to get to the quality flowers.

I must say, however, I forgot how entertaining online dating was. First of all, people need a class on the appropriate type of photo to submit to a dating website. I don't need to see 15 photos of your kids, five photos of your parents and only one photo of you. Secondly, there needs to be a limit on how many photos to submit. One dude uploaded more than 100 photos. Yep, you read that right - more than 100. Why do we need so many photos of you? Trust me, I get a sense of what you look like after the third or fourth picture.

Also, if I don't reply after your 15th message, I'm not interested. One guy who messaged me (age 55) said he was looking for someone family oriented and cited bible verses, specifically Proverbs 31:10-31. It starts off, "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." He highlighted verses 23 and 28, which say "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land (23)"; and "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her (28)."

So far the men who seem interested in me, meaning they have sent me a message or a flirt, vary in age — from 31 to 65. There's the guy who is divorced with six children. Then there's the one who's never been married but has four children. I'm also getting a lot of messages from guys over 50. It makes me wonder how I'm presenting myself. Do I look old? Maybe I just look like a "good virtuous woman" - LOL.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Marriage and Condoms

By now you've heard of the incident between former Miami Dolphins player Chad Johnson and his wife Evelyn Lozada, known for her role on VH1's reality tv show Basketball Wives.

According to news reports, the two got into an argument after Lozada found a receipt for a box of condoms in Johnson's car. The fight escalated when they arrived home and ended with Lozada running to a neighbor's house for help. She accused Johnson of head-butting her. The Los Angeles Times has this report of the 911 call.

Since then, Johnson has been released from the Miami Dolphins and Lozada has filed for divorce from the sports figure after only 41 days of marriage. Their upcoming reality show with VH1 has been cancelled.

I bet some were thinking: if he's married (and faithful), why does he need to buy condoms, right? So, I ask: Do you think you need to use condoms if you're married? Just because you get married does it mean you should stop using condoms? Should married couples use condoms?

The Johnson/Lozada incident brought to mind a documentary I saw on PBS last month titled, Endgame: AIDS in Black America. One of the most heartwrenching stories was of a woman, a good Christian lady, who had become infected with the virus from her husband, a church deacon. They had met at church, dated. They married and she became sick with flu-like symptoms during their honeymoon. Months later she was cleaning up and found his bible. A piece of paper fell out of the bible while she was putting it away. It was the results of her husband's HIV test. He was HIV positive. The results were dated a year before they had gotten married, but he had never told her of his status.

So I ask again: Once you're married, can you assume you can stop using condoms?

Let me know your thoughts...

Monday, August 6, 2012

Like Father, Like Son?

When I go out with guys, I always wonder who taught them how to treat women.

I've dated guys who grew up with both parents, had a father in the home and a male role model, but for whatever reason some of these young men were disrespectful, dishonest, mean, selfish, etc.

On the other hand, one of my most loving boyfriends grew up in a single parent home. His father was not in his life at all. But he did have a very strong relationship with his grandfather and his uncle. He was a mama's boy for sure. However, he was kind, caring and honest. He was generous, respectful and a true gentleman; sweet and super sensitive.

Then I've met guys who grew up seeing love and respect in the home between their parents and mirrored that in their own relationships. Haven't you run into that guy that says, my parents have been married for 30 years and I want that too?

I know a man whose parents have been together since they were teenagers. His father adores his mother and treats her like his queen. But this dude is just the opposite. His marriage was shortlived because of his infidelity and he has several children by different women. He doesn't want "til death do us part."

So I ask: Do you think there's a correlation between a man growing up with a father in the home or having a male presence in his life, and how he treats women?

Have you met guys who grew up with a father, but they don't treat women well?

Let me know your thoughts.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Why Haven't You?

I got up early this morning and for whatever reason the word "courage" was on my mind.
Maybe my subconscious was telling me I need some (lol).

I was still thinking about a conversation I had earlier this week
with a friend. I was telling her I need to do this, I need to do that,
yada, yada, yada.

And she looked at me and asked: Why haven't you? 

I tried to explain: "Because, well because..."
I couldn't come up with a good reason.
I realized my reasons would sound like excuses.

I know I need to make some changes in my life.
But change takes courage.
Courage takes faith.
Faith means stepping out of your comfort zone
and trusting God that everything will be okay.

I need a little courage and a lot of faith.

What's the bravest thing you've ever done?
Why did you consider it brave?
Why did you do it?
How did your life change?
Are you glad you did it or regret it? Why?

holla at me.

Friday, August 3, 2012

I'm Rich B$TCH !

If you came into a substantial amount of money, what would be your DREAM purchase?
That was the question of the day on one of the morning shows.

One caller said he would purchase an island.
Now that would be cool. I love the Caribbean and would love to live there 3-6 months out of the year - sundresses and sandals baby !

Another caller said he would buy a Bentley.
A young lady said she wanted her dream wedding.

An older gentlemen told the host that he would travel around the world.
I like that, on my list: London, Paris, Spain, Italy, Brazil, South Africa, Egypt, and that's just the start. How many years do you think I'll have to take off?

Let's see. What would be my DREAM purchase?
That's a good question. I don't know.
I think maybe I'll buy something that will continue to make money and create jobs.
I love spas. (look at Sheila Johnson)
A magazine? Well, that might not make any money (LOL !!!)
What about a network? (that would have to be a LOT of money)
A cool, hip night spot for folks over 35?
What about some land and create a beautiful waterfront with retail, restaurants and entertainment?
What about a store called "Bottom Heavy" and sell clothes for women who are, you know, bottom heavy like me? Here's the tag line: "Clothes for women with some junk in their trunk."  I think that would do well. (LOL !!!)

Anyway, let me think about it.
In the meantime: What would be your DREAM purchase?
What would you get if money was no object?
a house? car? jewelry? a private jet?

Think BIG !

holla at me...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

It's Over

I was listening to the radio this morning and the question of the day was "How Did You Know It Was Over?"
The stories were interesting:

One lady said she knew it was over when her date took out his gold teeth at a restaurant and put them on the table when their food came. (YUCK !)

Another said she knew her relationship was over when her boyfriend informed her that he had a baby on the way - obviously from another woman. (DAMN)

And a caller realized it was over when she dreaded the thought of getting engaged to her boyfriend. (He would drop hints about buying her a ring).

So I'm asking you: How did you know it was over? When did you realize that this relationship was not the best thing for you, that you had to leave?

Was it a betrayal?

Did you realize that you had different expectations of the relationship? (Maybe you wanted marriage and kids - and he didn't)

Maybe you caught him in a bunch of lies, his stories never added up and he was always "missing."

Did you begin to dread being around the person? (Every little thing he did or said got on your nerves)

Did you begin to avoid his calls or emails or texts because you didn't want to talk to him?

Or maybe he avoided your phone calls, emails and texts.

What about when he said something so mean and hateful and disrespectful that it was just unforgivable?

Maybe you just got fed up. He disappointed you just one time too many and you were tired of being frustrated all the time.

So I ask: When did you realize that it was over, that you absolutely had no future with this person?
I knew it was over when...

Holla at me.