Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Why Not?

I don't like him. But he likes me.
I met him at AutoZone in Maryland a couple of weeks ago.
He's from Cameroon. Mid-40s. Two kids - 14 and 4.
We've talked on the phone maybe 4 times. He annoyed me each time (kept asking me if I lived by myself).

He keeps saying that he REALLY likes me and wants to be in a serious committed relationship with me. That's interesting especially since we've never been on a date.

He wants to get together this weekend.
hmmm, why not?
It's been sooooo long since I've been on a date.
I want a boyfriend.
I guess I could try to like him...at least enough to get through one date.
I'll be polite.
Who knows? We may actually click.

I'll keep an open mind.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

At What Cost Love

I was watching Sex and The City: The Movie on one of the cable channels this afternoon. Miranda had learned that her husband Steve had had an indiscretion.

He went to her, pleading, eyes begging, trying to apologize. He looked liked a sad, lost soul. But she wasn't hearing it. She cut him off and angrily replied (among other things): You broke us. You broke our marriage. I changed for you !

I changed for you.


What did she mean by that?
Was she upset that she gave up her so-called "great life" as an independent sassy successful attorney to marry a bartender who ended up cheating on her.  Talk about regrets. Miranda made it sound like she gave up her whole life when she got married. She felt duped.

So it made me think: Do we change who we are when we get married?

(I mean, I would hope the person I marry, is marrying me because he likes me just the way I am - or else he would find someone else he likes better - right?)

Anyway, I'm sure something about us changes when we get married. It's no longer about "I" but "we"; not "me" but "us."

I wonder if some of us are still single because we're not willing to change. We're selfish about our careers, our aspirations, our time, our space.

I do think Love has a way of CHANGING us. We make time, space, and shift our lives in new and different ways that welcomes another soul. Work and career are no longer as much of a priority.  (In fact, I would rather get a foot rub than transcribe an interview.)

Ultimately our lives do change. Something else becomes more important. But how much do we change for someone esle?

Miranda said: I changed for you. And she was mad about it. Just think about giving up your life as you know it for someone and they ultimately betray you. That's gotta hurt.

But it's a risk we take.

So I ask: What do we give up for love? Do we have to lose ourselves, the essence of who we are to make it work with someone else? How much are you willing to change? And do women make the most changes?
Let me know your thoughts.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Blame It on the Alcohol?

So I met a guy this weekend at a lounge in D.C. I was meeting a friend there and when I walked in he offered to buy me a drink. After hanging with my friend for awhile, I took him up on his offer and we sat down and talked a little.

He was tall, slim, brown. Nice-looking. I learned that he was 42, divorced with a 9-year-old daughter.

"So, do you have an advanced degree?" he asked me.

I was taken aback. I don't remember anyone ever asking me that on a first encounter. What do you mean? I asked.

And he explained: "I'm working on a Ph.D. in mathematics," he said.

Oh, okay, I said. Are you a full-time student?

"No, I work for the federal government," he said.

Really? What do you do? I asked.

"I can't tell you that," he said. Then he pulled out his cell phone and showed me a photo of him playing pool with President Obama.

"Let's just say I'm in telecommunications," he said with a little smirk.

"What about you? What do you do?" he asked.

I told him I was a journalist, a writer.

"Well this conversation is off the record," he said and ordered another drink.

What was up with this dude?

"You ever been married?" he asked.

No, I said.

"You have children?" he asked.

No, I said.

What about you? I asked him. How long have you been divorced?

"Five years," he said.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, let me explain something," he said, leaning toward me. "You know, when men get married it's not about you know, love."

"What?" I was confused. What was he talking about?

"When men get married, it's because we think the lady is a nice person, you know, that she is caring and that she'll be a good mother. It's not really about love. Marriage is a business transaction."

Now, yall know I'm a hopeless romantic. One of my favorite movies is The Notebook. I want the forever, the til death do us part. And here he was saying that didn't really exist. It was all some kind of fantasy of women.

So you didn't love your wife when you married her, when you said your vows? I asked him.

"What is love?" he asked with that smirk again.

Love is, I said. Love is. I couldn't believe I was having this conversation trying to explain what love was - in a lounge.

I thought about it. Well, it's more of a feeling. It's action, I said. I know it when I see it.  And I've felt it before, I told him. I know what it is to love and to be loved.

He shook his head. "See, no one can define love," he said. "You Cared about someone and maybe someone Cared about you. I cared about my ex-wife. I treated her well and supported her wholeheartedly. She had it real good. She didn't have to lift a finger. All she had to do was pursue her dreams."

Then he told me a story about how his grandparents had been married for more than 50 years. When his grandfather died, a few folks showed up at the funeral who claimed to be his children. He said even though his grandparents had been married a long time, his grandfather stepped out on his wife.

I didn't get the point. Just because his grandfather may have cheated means that love doesn't exist?

This dude was jaded. And I was done with this conversation. My friend came over just in time to tell me she was getting ready to leave. Hold on, I'm walking out with you, I told her.

"Wait a minute," he said and handed me his cell. "Put your number in my phone."

Huh? I asked as I stood up.

"Put your number in my phone, you making me dinner tomorrow night," he said.

This guy had to be drunk. So I blamed it on the alcohol and left.

But I have to admit: Dude really had me thinking for a minute. What is love? So I want you to complete this statement: Love is __________________.
Have you ever been in love? How do you know it was love?

holla at me...

Friday, July 20, 2012

Mama's Boys

I'm listening to the radio and they're talking to a guy, 29, whose mother comes over and cleans his apartment.

It reminded me of one of my Jazzercise students who does everything for her 17-year-old son — cooks, cleans, laundry. He'll be a senior in the fall and is looking at colleges. He's decided that he wants to attend a school close to home.


I told her he doesn't want to be far from home because he needs her to do his laundry. She laughed. He's her only child and maybe she likes doing things for him. But she wants him to go away for college — far away — so that he can learn to become independent.

This young man will be a senior in the fall. It's not too late to teach him to do his own laundry or cook his own meals. His future wife will be grateful. (lol)

I don't know. There are men who have their clothes laundered by a service, have housekeeping or cleaning ladies and grab McDonald's for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and order take out for dinner. They don't see the need to learn any of those skills. Those with less cash may take their laundry to their girlfriend and stop by mom's for a meal.

I have a friend whose husband told her when they were dating that the kitchen was her domain and he wasn't going to cook a thing (she also did his laundry when they were dating). When she travels she has to take their two kids with her because he refuses to "keep" them while she's gone. They've been married 15 years.

Now don't get me wrong, I respect an individual couple's "system." They may have an arrangement that works best for their household and is good for them, to each his own. 

Maybe girls are just raised differently. My student told me that growing up she learned how to clean and do her own laundry. But she's not teaching her son those same skills. Interesting...

It just made me wonder: Are we raising our boys to be the kind of men we would want to marry?

Any thoughts on this? What's been your experience? What are some things you desire in a mate? Would it matter if he didn't know how to cook or clean or do his own laundry?


Monday, July 16, 2012

Equally Yoked

So, what do YOU think "equally yoked" means?
Do you believe couples should be "equally yoked"? In your opinion, how does being "equally yoked" or "not being equally yoked" impact the success or failure of a relationship?

A few months ago, it's probably been a year now, I heard an author on NPR talk about the failure of her marriage. She was an attorney who married a blue-collar guy. They grew up together in the same neighborhood, but after high school she went to college and he went in another direction. Nevertheless, they married and had children.

If I remember correctly, the author discussed how, when they would attend her company's work events, she would cringe when her husband had a conversation with her colleagues. She talked about how his bad grammar embarrassed her at times.

Then there were the money issues. She didn't seem to mind being the breadwinner of the family. However, they disagreed on what to do with the money. Her husband was interested in material things — nice car, expensive home, clothes, jewelry. But she wanted to save for their children's college education. They valued different things.

And I think that's the key: Values.

Just because someone didn't attend college and you did, does that mean you're not equally-yoked? What does having the same "values" mean? I'm thinking about what's important to a person: their spiritual foundation, family, education, ambition, willingness to grow. Do they have integrity? Are they honest and respectful?

I think sometimes we may realize a little too late — when we're all in — that a person may not have the same values or value the same things we do - you know. You feel me? That's why I have to take it real slow when I date now.

So talk to me about equally-yoked and values and you know, stuff like that...

holla at me...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


So, I really need a boyfriend quick.
I was looking at the air conditioner guy like he was steak and potatoes, peach cobbler with ice cream on top !

Sunday, July 8, 2012

An Arranged Marriage

I was going to write about forgiveness tonite, but I started watching this show on TLC called Getting Married to the Moonies and you know when I find something interesting I want to share it. Anyway, the show follows three couples who were matched by their parents, all followers of Rev. Sun Myung Moon. One of the couples features a young lady from London who was matched with a guy from Korea who speaks very little English. The were matched just three days before their wedding.

The couples participate in a mass wedding of 2,000 brides whose marriages are blessed by their messiah. They are suppose to be "pure" when they wed and have to practice 40 days of abstinence after the mass wedding.
Check out this piece on the Huffington Post about the TLC documentary.

One of the parents on the show talk about how the process is less about physical attraction and more of a "commitment to marriage." During the ceremony I hear words like "true love" and "soul mates" from strangers who met just a couple of months or a couple of days before. They all pledge to become "true" husband and wife. According to the show, the divorce rate among Moon followers is only 17 percent.

Dating is hard —the disappointment, the lies, the inconsistency.  It seems that in an arranged marriage you're dating while you're married. You know, you're getting to know each other after you've said your vows. interesting...

So I ask: Would you consider an arranged marriage? Why or Why not? Would you trust your parents or your family to match you with a good partner? Why or Why not?

holla at me...