Sunday, October 28, 2012

Not a Chance

I told you in my last blog post that I met a young man that I'll call "Chance" at's stir event and we made plans to go out.

We met Friday evening at a lounge along D.C.'s popular U. Street corridor. Chance sent me a text about 30 minutes before we were to meet to ask if we could push the time back. He was stuck in traffic and didn't want to be late. He got cool points for that.

When I got to the lounge he was already there. He greeted me with a compliment, "You look great." More cool points.

We found a seat and ordered some drinks. I got a cosmopolitan.
We talked - about our day, our jobs, our hobbies. We both like museums, live music and dancing. He attended the University of Maryland for undergrad and was now working on a masters. I learned that his birthday is three days after mine.

The evening was going well. I was having a good time.

"I like your hair," he said.
I smiled. "Thanks."
"Are you voting for Obama or Romney?" he asked.
"Are you voting for Obama or Romney?" he asked again.
"I'm not telling you who I'm voting for. But I have to tell you, you look like a Romney guy."
He was offended.
"What? Why do you say that? I'm Obama all the way!" he exclaimed.
I laughed and we started talking about the debates. I know you're not suppose to talk about politics on the first date but that's where the conversation sort of flowed.

"So do you want a family?" he asked.
That question again.
"I do want to get married one day," I said.
He was more specific: "Do you want kids?"
"I don't know," I said (which is true).

See, Chance was engaged about a decade ago, in his 20s. And last year he ended a yearlong relationship with a young lady because they were going "in different directions" he said. She was focused on her career and he really wanted a family — marriage and kids.

I got it. At 37, he was ready to settle down.
And I understand the reason for his questions, he doesn't want to get involved with someone who doesn't want a family when he does. Why waste his time again?

Well, I haven't heard from Chance since our date.
He was a nice guy. But I think I flunked his "wife" test.
He's really looking for someone who's ready to settle down and have kids.

I do want to settle down. I want to be in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship. I want a companion, a life partner, maybe a husband — but I'm not sure if I want kids.

Oh, well. Did I miss my chance at love?

holla at me...


kendra said...

he sounds like one of those guys who, once they are ready, marry the first woman smoking who says she wants marriage and kids. no regard for the kind of woman she is or if they have a connection.

Laura said...

Personally, it was important to me that my significant other wanted to be with me regardless of whether or not we had children. Because, you know, what if we COULDN'T have kids for some reason? I wanted someone who was picking ME for their future, not a possibility that may or may not happen. But I say that knowing that I would have been OK with my life had I not had children. Maybe the story (and mate-finding strategy) is different for people who don't think they would be happy without kids. I can understand that, too.

Anonymous said...

I think he's ready to settle down and knows what he wants. Men are not complicated like we are. When they're ready, they're ready. They don't make it difficult, and he really doesn't know you to know whether or not you'd be this great wife whether you have his kids or not. So, he has to start where he thinks it matters: compatibility. Do you want kids, because I do. That's all. My personal opinion: your coyness about your age and wanting children could have been a turnoff. When men are ready... they go for it. That's it. Maybe he’ll call again and when he does just be straight forward. Lottie, if you were really ready to settle down, you’d be direct too.

CW W said...

There is somebody for you. Chance may not have been him. One thing is for sure, the desire to have children is strong for some. When that question comes up again you will need to have a definate answer.

TNDRHRT said...

I agree with Anonymous and CW W. You need to be direct in your responses about what you want and desire in a mate. I do not fault Chance at all for stating what's important to him when looking for someone to spend 'forever' with. He seems to be ready to settle down and if someone is not meeting his basics (i.e. do you want kids?) then why waste time dating that person? I wouldn't.

SingLikeSassy said...

It's taken me days to respond to this because honestly, I always thought you wanted a husband AND a kids. So, the shock of reading that you are not sure you want children took a minute absorb. (And on reflection I don't know that you've ever said to me that you wanted children, I think I assumed it because you seem like a nurturer to me).

That said, I agree with Tndrhrt: Without knowing much about you and having anything invested in you, I can see how Chance would want to focus his efforts on women who meet his non-negotiables, such as wanting kids. Cause ain't no compromise on that issue.

SingLikeSassy said...

And please overlook my typos. LOL