Oh...Love

Hey, check out the first post from my new blog, Oh...Love — about love, relationships and stuff like that.

The first post of course is a positive portrait of love that I hope to one day achieve.

I encourage you to contribute content by providing examples of love or relationships through articles, videos, photos and other visual art.

Here's to LOVE !

So You Think You Wanna Get Married

Think about it.

Do you REALLY want to get married or do you just want companionship, someone to spend time with and do things with on a regular basis?

Oprah Winfrey has said many times, "with marriage there are expectations."

Ironically, Oprah's father, Vernon and his current wife, Barbara, are in a bitter divorce battle. Read the article published in The Tennessean here.

Vernon says his wife is "guilty of inappropriate marital conduct."

So I looked up the term, "inappropriate marital conduct" and according to Turner Law Offices, it is "the most commonly used ground for divorce" and "means that one spouse has done something that the other spouse deems inappropriate."

The full-service law firm notes on its website that "Cases where inappropriate marital conduct has been proven include: "flipping the bird," calling the other spouse names or using profanity, not providing for the spouse, abnormal sexual requests, and, generally, being a pain in the #^$."

On the other hand, Barbara, Vernon's wife, has accused her husband of trying to kill her.

Geez...this after 12 years of marriage.

So let me hear from you:
Do you really want to get married or do you just want a constant companion because you're lonely?

And folks who are married or were married: Why did you get married? Was it what you expected?

holla at me...

A New Age

In five days, I will no longer be 30-something.
(oh, my)

I'll be moving into a new decade, a new era in my life.
So I need to come up with a new title for my blog.

I would like the title to represent where I am in my life
right now. It should be short, catchy, smart and positive.
I have a good title in mind, but I would like your opinion.
What do you think the blog should be called?

Or do you think the title should be changed at all?

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

holla at me...

Not a Chance

I told you in my last blog post that I met a young man that I'll call "Chance" at Match.com's stir event and we made plans to go out.

We met Friday evening at a lounge along D.C.'s popular U. Street corridor. Chance sent me a text about 30 minutes before we were to meet to ask if we could push the time back. He was stuck in traffic and didn't want to be late. He got cool points for that.

When I got to the lounge he was already there. He greeted me with a compliment, "You look great." More cool points.

We found a seat and ordered some drinks. I got a cosmopolitan.
We talked - about our day, our jobs, our hobbies. We both like museums, live music and dancing. He attended the University of Maryland for undergrad and was now working on a masters. I learned that his birthday is three days after mine.

The evening was going well. I was having a good time.

"I like your hair," he said.
I smiled. "Thanks."
"Are you voting for Obama or Romney?" he asked.
"What?"
"Are you voting for Obama or Romney?" he asked again.
"I'm not telling you who I'm voting for. But I have to tell you, you look like a Romney guy."
He was offended.
"What? Why do you say that? I'm Obama all the way!" he exclaimed.
I laughed and we started talking about the debates. I know you're not suppose to talk about politics on the first date but that's where the conversation sort of flowed.

"So do you want a family?" he asked.
That question again.
"I do want to get married one day," I said.
He was more specific: "Do you want kids?"
Sh$t.
"I don't know," I said (which is true).

See, Chance was engaged about a decade ago, in his 20s. And last year he ended a yearlong relationship with a young lady because they were going "in different directions" he said. She was focused on her career and he really wanted a family — marriage and kids.

I got it. At 37, he was ready to settle down.
And I understand the reason for his questions, he doesn't want to get involved with someone who doesn't want a family when he does. Why waste his time again?

Well, I haven't heard from Chance since our date.
He was a nice guy. But I think I flunked his "wife" test.
He's really looking for someone who's ready to settle down and have kids.

I do want to settle down. I want to be in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship. I want a companion, a life partner, maybe a husband — but I'm not sure if I want kids.

Oh, well. Did I miss my chance at love?

Thoughts?
holla at me...

About Last Night (Part II)

A few days ago I wrote a blog about my experience at Match.com's Stir event here in the city. I told you about how I met a young man when I first got there and he bought a drink for another lady while engaged in conversation with me. (I still think that was disrespectful)

Well, as the night went on, I met several other guys. We had friendly, polite conversations. I ended the evening talking to an engineer who lived in Maryland. I'll call him "Chance."

"Hi, I'm Chance. What's your name?" he asked.
"Hi Chance. I'm Lottie."

One of his first questions was about my age.  I was turned off.
Don't you know it's rude to ask a lady her age? I said.
No, really. How old are you? he asked again.
I'm not telling you my age. How old are you? I asked.
Mid-30s, he said.
So, are you going to tell me your age? he asked again.
Well, I'll just say I'm not yet 40, I said.

The conversation continued.

So where are you from? he asked.
Mississippi. What about you?
All over, he said.
All over? Where were you born? I asked.
Oklahoma.
How long have you been in this area? I asked.
I lived in Baltimore for 7 years and I moved to the
D.C. area in 2005.
You like this area? I asked.
It's cool.

Then he asked: So, do you have kids?
No.
That's good, he said.
What about you? I asked.
No, I don't have any, he said. Do you want children?
I don't know. Maybe, I said.
You don't know. What does it say on your profile?
I think it says, "yes," "maybe," "not sure." What about you?
Yes. I want a family.
oh, okay.

Mississippi, huh? Southern girl.
Yep. I said.
That's good.
Really? Why? I asked.
Family values. Southern women have good family values.
Oh, I see.
I like your hair, he said.
Thank you, I said.
(The second compliment of the night on my hair. Who knew guys liked natural hair?)

But was he looking at my hair or my boobs? I couldn't tell.

So, I want to get to know you better. Can we meet this week? He asked.
(Probably my boobs)
Sure. I said.
What days are you available?
Weekends are good, I said.
Okay, what's your number?

I gave him my number.
I'm gonna call you. I really want to meet up with you this week. I'm serious.
(Wow. so, yeah, I think it was the boobs)
Okay, that'll be cool, I said.
We shook hands and said our goodbyes: "It was nice meeting you."

So Chance contacted me the next day (Wednesday). Points for him.
He didn't call. He text. SIGH (That was a disappointment. Do guys pick up the phone and talk anymore?)
We made plans for Friday.
He text me again on Thursday to confirm the time and place we were meeting at the next evening.

Well, we went out last night.
I'll tell you about our date in the next blog.

Holla at me...

Why the Attitude Dude?

I made a quick stop at Target after my Jazzercise class this evening. I was loading my items on the conveyor belt when the cashier, a handsome Black man, yelled Jazzercise!, referencing my t-shirt.

"I see you gettin' it in," he said.

I smiled. "Yep, I gotta get it in."

"You married?"  he asked.

"No," I said, "not today."

"Why not?"

I shrugged, "I just haven't met anyone."

"Oh, you must want to be free," he said, bagging my items.

I looked at him confused. What was he talking about?
I swiped my credit card to pay.

"Yeah, I know how yall are," he said. "Women today say they want to be independent but then they don't want to spend their own money."

"What?" I said, signing the credit card equipment pad.

I was taken aback.

"Yeah. I listen to Steve Harvey. Come back and see me and I'll tell you a little more about that."

I gathered my bags and left the store.

Now was all that called for?
What solicited such a response?
Is that the way Black men view Black women nowadays?
I couldn't tell if he was angry, frustrated, bitter, disappointed or just mouthing off.

What do yall think of what he said?
Holla at me...

About Last Night (Part I)

I gave up my bellydancing class last night to attend Match.com's Stir Event. It's basically an event in which the people who are on Match.com meet at a local venue for drinks and conversation. The event last night was held at a local restaurant in downtown D.C. 

I got there a little before 7:30. It was crowded. I went to the bar and was greeted by a good-looking guy (I couldn't tell if he was Black or Latino - LOL). But that didn't matter. The night was already starting off well. I ordered a drink. Dude turned to me and started talking to me. You know: how you doing, how was your day, you having a good time, your first time at one of these events, etc.

I learned that he was from Boston, lived on the West Coast for 12 years - California and Vegas - and moved to the D.C. area a year ago. He will be running the Marine Corps Marathon next week - his fifth, he said. He told me that he likes the D.C. area because it has lots of educated professional women. He got tired of dating strippers in Vegas. Oh, he's in the computer industry.

So Mr. Boston complimented me on my hair. He said he loved women with natural hair - that was a dealbreaker for him.  If a woman had a perm or weave, he said, he wouldn't date her.
Why? I asked.
Well, he said, he was all about being healthy and perms had a lot of chemicals and were harmful to your health, etc. Did you see the documentary "Good Hair" by Chris Rock? he asked. Yeah, I told him.

Mr. Boston ordered a drink and asked me if he could get me anything. I told him "no, thank you" because I was still on my first drink.

But get this: When he ordered his drink, he ordered another drink - two drinks. Now this second drink was not for him or me, but for a woman at the other end of the bar.
You read that right.
This dude was talking to me, but he ordered a drink for another woman.

I was offended. I was like "Ain't this some s$%t."

I saw him look in her direction, smile and nod about the drink he was sending her. She smiled back at him. I was done! He turned to me and said, "I was talking to her earlier."

I don't care. What nerve!

I politely held out my hand and said, "It was nice meeting you," and walked away. He said something about I'll see you later, but I barely heard him.

Don't you think that was rude? Well, I did.

What do yall think?
Holla at me...

The Perfect Partner

I thought this essay was going to give me the keys to finding the perfect partner. You know, a list of what I should do, where I should go, how I should look, what I should say, etc. Instead it gave me some revealing news about myself.

The author says in the first sentence: "You attract to you in a relationship who you are."
Me: Ouch !

Then he notes: "The partners you attract to you in the form of a man or woman are a physical manifestation of whom and where you are in your own consciousness at this moment in time."
Me: Okay.

He asks: "Look at whom you are attracting. What does this mirror to you about your own self?"
Me: Hmmmm

He writes: "The person you attract to you in an intimate relationship is no mistake. They are perfect for you right now. ...You attract to yourself a partner at the level of your self-acceptance."
Me: Sh$t !

The author closes by stating: "The perfect partner is whomever you are with in that moment. This is being reflected to you in those you attract, whether you like it or not."
Me: Damn! Damn! Damn!

So basically the type of man I am attracting is a reflection of where I am right now in my life and what I think about myself. This is not good news. In fact it's pretty scary. But it's also eye-opening.

You guys know what I want. I've written about it in this blog for the past four years. But for whatever reason I am not attracting that type of man. Instead I'm getting just the opposite. What does that say about me and how I feel about myself? Why aren't I attracting the GOOD guys?

wow.

Look at who you are attracting. What does that say about where you are in your life right now?


Holla at me...

What Makes a Man Attractive?

This morning I was browsing through a website called The Good Men Project and stumbled upon an article titled What Makes a Man Attractive? The author of the article had put out a call to women asking what they found attractive in men, "not just in looks, but in personality, behavior and lifestyle."

Check out the article here to find out the results of this unscientific survey. I would say the results are not that surprising.

So I ask you the same question. In your opinion, what makes a man attractive?
Also, what turns you off?

holla...

The Stable Marriage Problem

Today, Alvin Roth and Lloyd Shapely were awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics.  Shapely, a professor emeritus at UCLA, is known for developing "matching methods." Roth has used Shapely's methods to match medical residents to hospitals and organ donors to recipients.

But I was really interested in Shapely's work in solving the "stable marriage problem." According to a piece in The Washington Post, Shapely, along with economist David Gale developed an algorithm in the 1960s (known as the Gale-Shapely Algorithm) that paired "a certain number of men and women..such that there is no partner with whom anyone would rather be than the one with whom they are paired."

The Post article explained that in the Gale-Shapley algorithm "there are a series of rounds in which both men and women rank potential mates, and matches are made until everyone finds a spouse and the system is stable," meaning that "both partners feel that they have gotten the most attractive possible match."

Research notes that the Gale-Shapely algorithm solves the stable marriage problem because people are coupled in a way that they would not feel the need to go outside their marriage "in search of something better." Basically neither spouse would see a benefit of straying outside the marriage because they believe they've gotten the best deal.

Wow. (It is important to note that according to the Post article no marriages were ever arranged through this Gale-Shapely algorithm.)

Do you think the Gale-Shapely Algorithm would work today? Why or Why not?

Well, first of all, their experiment is an ideal situation because it involves the same number of men and women. Today there are more women than men, so it's inevitable that someone will be left out.

But I ask, wouldn't you like a method that would ensure that you have the best possible match and there would never be a need for either spouse to look outside the marriage for "something better" ?

Do you think the divorce rate would decrease and there would be fewer affairs if this method was used to pair people up? Why or Why not?

Thoughts? Holla  at me...

The Wedding

"Love is the oxygen of the soul. We can't live without it" - Tony Robbins

I went to a wedding yesterday. It was beautiful.
The bride looked like a true princess in her white dress.
The groom, in his Black suit, beamed with happiness as she walked down the aisle.

The day was a long time coming. The couple had dated four years and had even taken a 12-week course called "So You Think You Want To Get Married."  

There was a scripture reading after the prayer, Ephesians 5:19-33. Verse 22 says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." And Verse 25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." The other verses talk about how a man should leave his parents to unite with his wife and the two shall become one. I encourage you to read the King James Version of all 15 verses when you get a chance. (As a side note, I want 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 read at my wedding)

I listened to the preacher as he stood before the couple. "Marriage is a challenge," he said. He then referenced the scripture reading and noted that people often focus on how wives should submit and overlook the requirements of husbands.

He charged the groom: to give his wife unconditional love, love without end.
"Lay it all down for this woman," the preacher said. "She should know her heart will be safe with you. I charge you with providing her with safety and security."

Then he turned to the bride and said, "A man's greatest need is for respect."
His charge for her was to respect, love and help her husband.
"He is the head and you are the neck," the preacher said. "A head can't move without a neck."

Before the couple exchanged vows, the preacher noted that marriage was not 50-50, it was 100-100. "You have to give 100% all of the time or it's not going to work," he said.

The bride and groom exchanged vows. They exchanged rings. They lit the unity candle and we danced until our feet hurt at the reception.

It was indeed a joyous occasion. But I've seen this scene too many times and sometimes it ends even before it begins. I wish them well.

holla at me...

Got Skills?

I was reading the profile of a guy from one of the dating websites and he included a statement that he attributed to Bishop T.D. Jakes. It said:
"Even though MANY of you are fine enough to get married, you are single because you don't have the SKILLSET that is required to be a wife."

interesting...

Skillset huh?

I guess I should do a few man-on-the-street interviews and ask guys about this SKILLSET — you know, what they look for in a wife. And maybe I should ask some of my married girlfriends about this skillset.

What yall think? Do you think you're single because you don't have the SKILLSET that is required to be a wife? Do you know what those skills are?

holla at me...
  

Just "Friends"

A guy from a dating website emailed me today. He expressed his interest and wrote that he was specifically "looking for a friend and lover only."

Huh? What?

Did dude basically tell me that he doesn't want a serious, committed relationship? Sounds like he just wants a "friend with benefits."  You know, a movie then sex.

geez.

What do you think?

Ironically, I'm listening to the Michael Baisden Show and he's talking about casual sex and how women give it up too fast. His expert on the show mentioned that men are delaying marriage because they can get everything they want from their "friends" — companionship, emotional support and sex.

We've all heard the cliche, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Michael said, "As a man it's way too easy for us." I've talked to several guys and they agree. They tell me, "Sex is easy."

So I ask: What incentive do men have to get married, if they can get everything they want without being in a committed monogamous relationship?

What yall think?

holla at me...

Don't Call Me Ma'am !

I know the young lady was being polite. She was probably just doing what she was taught. It's called having good manners.

But I was offended, so I turned to her and asked: Why did you call me ma'am?

"Because you're my elder," she said, looking surprised.

Really? How old do I look to you? I asked her.

"30s?" she said.

This chic didn't look younger than 20, so how in the h#$$ was I her elder? Sure, I was older than her. But I was certainly not her elder.

I equate the term "elder" with a senior citizen, someone 80 and up. (Yes I said 80, because I have women in my Jazzercise class in their 70s who I wouldn't dare call elder.)

I googled the term ma'am and according to Dictionary.com, ma'am is: "used as a title of respect, especially when addressing female royalty."

That may be the case, but when I think of the word "ma'am" I think of someone old, a retiree with grandkids and great-grandkids, maybe a hip replacement and a cane watching her "stories."

I don't think of myself. 

In fact, I feel great — young, vibrant — more like a 20-something. I have so much energy and feel like I have so much more to accomplish.

However, in exactly one month, I'm no longer going to be able to call my blog "30 Something" because I will no longer be "thirty-something." But though I'm entering into a new decade, a new phase in my life, that doesn't mean you can call me ma'am !

holla...

Lil'Pimp Big Dogg Baby Daddy

I was ready to get off my online dating site after someone named "ain't studdin' u" sent me a flirt. I checked to see how long I had left on my subscription. I was hoping that it ended at the end of this month, but it doesn't. I have five more months of this foolishness.

It seems that I've been on the site a long time, but it's only been a month. The good thing is you get a lot of flirts. The bad thing is they're usually from people you're not interested in — you know, like men who are 63, who could be my father's friends.

So let me vent for a few minutes.

Dude, if you have the words - "pimp", "dog," "courvosier," or "baby daddy" as part of your screen name, I'm not responding to you no matter how many messages you send me.

Also, I'm tired of reading stuff like this:
"I'm looking for a quality woman. A quality woman would Google my band, listen to my music and leave a comment on my website."
or
"I have a closet full of AirForce One's and linen suits for the summer."
or

"I am not looking for a woman who is not attractive. I'm not settling because I dont have to, the best or nothing."

or

"I believe in taking good care of my woman with money, so she can ever be looking good for me."

or this: 

"Is it possible if I can talk to you and become friends with you? Mother May I? I'd like to keep in touch with you. Bye, Bye."

 

No joke.

But I have to respect the honesty that some guys put forth like this one: "My first priority is to obtain gainful employment....the other priority is to cultivate a relationship with you." 
Yeah, I'm glad he's got his priorities straight.

And if I see one more in-front-of-the-bathroom-mirror-with-no-shirt-on camera phone photo, I'm gonna scream. Listen, go to a park and ask some strangers (a family member or a close friend) to take your picture — pose in front of some trees or water or something. It's not that hard. I promise.

I don't want to get discouraged, though it's tempting. But like my friend says, it only takes one. But geez, how many of these do I have to go through to meet that "one"?

holla at me... 

Usher on Oprah

Did yall see Usher's interview with Oprah on the OWN channel a few weeks ago? If not, the full interview is below. Check it out and let me know what you think.


Oprah's Next Chapter | Usher (FULL EPISODE) by Ashley_Miller_3

Something Better

About a few weeks ago, before my tv went out, I was watching an episode of Lovetown USA on the OWN channel. The show is about how two matchmakers go into the town of Kingsland, Ga. and try to match up singles — you know, find them love.

It was interesting. Two of the single men who had been matched — one White, one Black — seemed really into the women that were chosen for them. They had gone out on several dates with their matches and expressed that they liked them a lot. They said that they enjoyed spending time with the ladies and had fun on their dates.

But...

When the matchmakers asked the men if they wanted to continue to date the women they were matched with, get to know them and see if maybe a relationship could develop or try someone new — they both opted to try someone new and be matched with someone else.

When asked why, both men gave the same response: She's nice and all. I really like her, but I want to see what else is out there.

So, both men were matched with different women. Ironically, they did not enjoy themselves with their new matches and one even admitted that he would have had more fun with his original match.

The matchmakers had warned them that they could risk losing a good partner in search of "something better," and it seemed that in the end both men regretted their decision.

I think the lesson in this is obvious.

I know none of us wants to feel like we've "settled" but what are the consequences of always looking for something better, of thinking that there's something better out there.

What are your thoughts?
Have you run into guys (wait a minute, I should say women too) who can't seem to settle down because they're always looking for "something better"?

holla at me...

My Heart is an Idiot

If my life was a book, this would be the title for sure.

Tell me, if your life was a book, what would be the title?

Holla...

Highly Educated

I was listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show this morning and he said something profound. He was giving a response to the "strawberry letter" which was about a woman who had a master's degree and wanted to know if she should get out of a relationship with a man she had outgrown.

In noting the number of highly educated women who wrote him about relationship problems, Steve said, "All yall got all these different degrees, but yall ain't got a degree in the right thing: How to pick a man."

I have to admit: I love school. I work hard at my job, but when it comes to men and relationships I suck! I do choose the wrong people and always end up sad and disappointed.

What about you? Can you relate?

Holla at me...

Criminal Conversation

I learned a new term today: "criminal conversation," which, according to this article is the legal term for extramarital sex.

I like that term. It sounds so much more sophisticated than adultery.

I was actually reading a story on Black America Web about how Fantasia's baby daddy Antwuan Cook admitted that he cheated on his wife with the American Idol winner. If you recall, Cook's wife sued Fantasia for "alienation of affection."

So while looking up the term "alienation of affection," I came across "criminal conversation."

According to the website LegalFish.com, an alienation of affection lawsuit is "one in which a deserted spouse can sue the alleged third party if his or her partner leaves the relationship for another person and causes the marital relationship to fail."

The site notes that as of 2003, you can sue for alienation of affection in eight states: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.

interesting...

Anyway, the article says to win an alienation of affection suit, a spouse has to prove that:
 1) There was love in the marriage before the third party came in the picture
 2)  The marital love was "alienated and destroyed as a result of the relationship" with the third party
 3) The third party's conduct was "a malicious interference with the marital relationship."

The author of the article writes that a spouse only has to show that the "third party engaged in conduct that was foreseeable to impact the relationship in a negative manner."

You know, stuff like trips to the Bahamas, expensive gifts or criminal conversation.

holla at me...