Friday, February 18, 2011

Why You're Not Married

The day before Valentine's Day, television writer Tracy McMillan posted an essay on the Huffington Post titled, "Why You're Not Married".

Now I wanted to read this piece because it wasn't race specific, you know, another article saying why professional Black women can't get a man. McMillan, who's been married three times, doesn't make you feel guilty for having a career or make you feel weak for wanting to be loved. And I mean Steve Harvey's on his third wife, so why not have a look at what she has to say - lol.

So here are McMillan's Top 6 Reasons You're Not Married:
1) You're a bitch — According to McMillan, "Female anger scares men. Most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them." She mentions Kim Kardashian who she says smiles and wiggles - no anger there. Now I think I'm a pretty nice lady - until you piss me off (lol). But even then, I just cut you off. No need for all that cussing and fighting. You just don't need to be a part of my life.

2) You're Shallow - McMillan says only one thing matters when choosing a husband and that is CHARACTER. But if we were really looking for a man with character, she notes, "we would have found one by now." Men with character want to commit. Instead, she said we're too hung up on how someone looks or how much money they make. I agree. Check out my previous post, "Me, Jane".

3) You're a Slut - "If you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop," wrote McMillan. The bonding hormone, oxytocin, she notes, gets us hooked on men we're not really into. I agree. Sex is a powerful drug. How many times have we stayed with a guy that we know ain't no good, but the sex was great? That's why Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger always emphasizes to her couples "no sex without being in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship."

4) You're a Liar - You meet a guy. You like him. But he tells you he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. You lie and tell him you don't either - hoping he'll figure out how great you are and realize that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Not gonna happen. Move on.

5) You're Selfish - McMillan writes: "If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you" — your thighs, your clothes, your career, yoga. "A good wife," she says, "does not spend most of her day thinking about herself." Men are attracted to women with children because they know that these women care about something other than themselves. WOW. I always wondered why the lady next door with 5 kids always had a boyfriend and I couldn't manage to snag one. And that's why my childhood friend in Jackson, a high school drop-out with two kids, was able to marry a lovely, successful man (who is now working on a Ph.D). So is that what I need to do? Get a kid? hmmmmm.

6) You're Not Good Enough - According to McMillan, YOU don't think you're good enough if "you're not looking for a partner who is your equal." We want someone better than we are, she notes: "better looking, better family, better job." Wait a minute. Aren't we suppose to marry up? Look at Kate Middleton. Just Kidding. Anyway, she writes that most of us don't realize that we are good enough as we are and that "women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives." This makes perfect sense of why I'm always choosing Tom over Aaron.

McMillan concludes her essay by saying that every woman can find a great partner. I believe her. There are LOTS of single men out there. But, she notes, we have to realize that "marriage is not about getting," it's about giving.

"Marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it," she writes.

So, what do you think about these points?
I can relate to all of them (except I'm not a slut - LOL!).

Let me know your thoughts.


SingLikeSassy said...

I would say that I encounter no. 2 A LOT among my friends who are single and say they don't want to be. I find that interesting, but then, my Grandma drilled it into me that "single women don't have a 'type.'"

The kid thing is interesting and I've heard that from some guys. I also read on a guy's blog that he's skeptical of women of a certain age who aren't divorced and/or don't have a kid or a mortgage or SOMETHING. He says, for him, those things show you can commit to something long-term.

Not touching the slut thing.

I do think we lie to ourselves sometimes even about how much we really want to be in a relationship. I often hear people saying that they want to be married and see them doing things that contradict that statement.

I'm not sure what I'll do when I start dating again, cause I do have some non-negotiables, but I also have the lessons (and wounds) from a failed marriage to add in to the mix.

kendra said...

i can't relate to any of these. well, i don't know about the slut one. the rest, i can't relate to on a personal level.

if it's not ANY of these things, why is someone still single?