Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Marriage on the Rocks

I talked to one of my college classmates earlier today. I'll call him "Calvin." He's having a little trouble in his marriage. His wife left a year ago, saying she was going to visit her family for a few weeks. She never came back. He has the kids for the summer.

"So, what's going on?" I asked.

He wants a divorce.

The two met in 2001 at his brother's college graduation. After four months of dating, he asked her to marry him. A few months later, they were married.

"Well, do you think you took the time to get to know her before you got engaged?" I asked.

He responded: "My father, who's been married for nearly 40 years to my mother, said no matter how long you know someone, you never really know them," he replied.

"oh, okay. Well, when did the marriage start going downhill?" I asked.

He said in 2005 after she quit her job. Well, actually, she was forced to leave her place of employment because she had forged some documents saying she had a certification that she really didn't have, Calvin said.

"Wow, is that the person you married?" I asked.

"No," he declared.

Then, according to him, she convinced him that they needed to buy this huge mega mansion in Atlanta. And even though she quit her job, she spent money like it was water, said Calvin. An engineer, he's currently footing the bill for it all while she's living in an apartment in another state. By the way, he's supporting her while she's out of state because she doesn't work and she has their two children.

Now after being gone for a year, his wife wants to give it another try.

But Calvin isn't hearing it. He's been hurt too bad.

"It's over," Calvin said. "You don't understand Lottie. I begged this woman to come back home. I wanted us to work it out, go to counseling, anything. I loved my wife.

"She would only put me down, tell me she was bored and we had nothing in common. So, I got tired of getting beaten down," said Calvin.

Forever the optimist, I tried to reason with him, convince him to get back with his wife and put their family back together. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to see the big picture, I said.

"I mean maybe she needed a year to relax and reflect," I told him. "Maybe she's realized what she had — a good husband and a good father."

But Calvin wasn't convinced. He's soured on the institution of marriage, doesn't want to do it again.

I don't know what to tell him. I hate to see marriages fail. They have two children. And at one time, they seemed to have loved each other.

What do you think?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think she was flawed and he didn't know her well enough when they married. Fired for forging documents? Hello? That was the start of the drama. If he looks deep enough, there might be other stuff that pre-dates that. She doesn't get a pass on a year of their marriage. It wouldn't sour me on marriage in general, but it WOULD keep me from getting back with her.

SingLikeSassy said...

A year is a loonnnggg time. A long time. And just like she had time to change her mind, he did, too. I suspect she wants to come back because he stopped begging -- that's never a good look and it pushes people away. Unfortunately for her, he stopped begging cause he stopped caring.

But I don't know why he should let this sour him on marriage forever. His marriage with HER didn't work out for reasons specific to THEM. Hopefully he will work through what he needs to work through and come out healthy and whole and ready for the love and relationship he wants and deserves.

TNDRHRT said...

When a man is hurt, he's hurt. He's not going to take her back. It's possible that he will forgive her and maybe even reconcile, but I don't think so. She was selfish in what she did by leaving. If I were Calvin, I'd divorce her, too. I'd be scared she was going to chuck the deuces again after I gave my marriage another chance. Did you ask him if she ever mentioned another man??