You've said the vows, cut the cake and danced all night to your favorite 90s hip hop groups.
But the honeymoon's over. Now what?
Reality sets in and you wonder: How do you do this thing called "marriage"?
Well, the fact is, too many of us don't know how to do marriage or be married. Marriage isn't a course taught in first through 12th grade. It isn't a college major and I don't know any schools that give a Ph.D. in the subject.
Nevertheless, according to the 2009 book "The Marriage-Go-Round" by Andrew Cherlin, nearly 90 percent of Americans (yes 90) will get married at some point in our lives.
Wow.
In the article, The Marriage Myth: Why do so many couples divorce? Maybe they just don't know how to be married, published in last Sunday's Washington Post Magazine, Ellen McCarthy writes: "For our weddings, we are hyper-prepared. But for marriage? Often, not so much."
McCarthy asks in the piece: "What if the truth was that you didn't marry the wrong person? What if you just didn't know how to be married?"
The author notes that initially marriage was an "economic institution," arranged unions that benefited the families of the bride and groom. Then in the 19th century, somebody in the Western world got the bright idea that we should marry for love. As a result, marriage became more complicated, stressful even, and divorce became more common.
The piece points out that more than 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce, yet 75 percent of divorced women will remarry within 10 years, according to a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics. Unfortunately, the story reveals, the divorce rate for second marriages is more than 60 percent, and the divorce rate for those who marry for the third time is more than 70 percent. (And I thought the third time was the charm).
So the answer to a long-lasting marriage is...you guessed it — COMMUNICATION !!! (gasped !)
Surprised?
According to McCarthy's research, couples who had long-lasting marriages didn't argue any less than couples who had divorced. However, the couples who stayed together were able to creatively work out their differences. The story features several couples who attend marriage education retreats several times a year to work on and discuss their issues.
jeez.
This marriage thing sounds like a lot of work. Yet, I know so many of us who want to do it. Do we really understand what we'll be getting into?
What about you? Do you know how to be married?
4 comments:
We communicate, but we also forgive each other our trespasses. You can get mad - but then you have to move on.
I'm not married, but I think the ability to communicate and move on after an argument are key elements. I am often reminded of how hard marriage is by my married friends. I do want companionship, but I'm not in a rush to get married.
You know, this is interesting. Because me and Mr. SLS talk about everything. We laugh a lot. I can count on one hand how many arguments we have had in the past five years and I wouldn't even use all my fingers. Yet, it turns out we weren't really talking about the things we needed to be talking about because neither of us wanted to rock the boat. We are both drama-averse to the maximum when it comes to relationships. So, we laughed and we talked, but some things that really needed to be said weren't getting said or discussed. And now it's a problem.
I don't know how to be married because I've never been married. Simple. You don't know how to do something unless you've DONE it and/or experienced it.
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