Just a Man?

I talked to my dad this morning and he told me about a local preacher who revealed recently that he was the father of 8 month old twins. The babies' mother is not the preacher's wife, but a member of his congregation.

This particular preacher got divorced several years ago after a woman, not his wife, accused him of sexual assault. He agreed to some kind of plea deal and was able to start over with a new church. Today he has more than 3,000 members.

I asked a male friend what he thought of this situation. He said, "The man may be a preacher above the neck, but he's just a man below the waist."

What are your thoughts?
Should preachers/pastors/ministers be held to different standards than the rest of us?
Should they be living examples of the word they preach?
Would you attend this specific preacher's church?
What do you think about him sleeping with a member of his congregation?

(photo by cyclewidowpatti).

Do You Know How to be Married?

You've said the vows, cut the cake and danced all night to your favorite 90s hip hop groups.

But the honeymoon's over. Now what?
Reality sets in and you wonder: How do you do this thing called "marriage"?

Well, the fact is, too many of us don't know how to do marriage or be married. Marriage isn't a course taught in first through 12th grade. It isn't a college major and I don't know any schools that give a Ph.D. in the subject.

Nevertheless, according to the 2009 book "The Marriage-Go-Round" by Andrew Cherlin, nearly 90 percent of Americans (yes 90) will get married at some point in our lives.

Wow.

In the article, The Marriage Myth: Why do so many couples divorce? Maybe they just don't know how to be married, published in last Sunday's Washington Post Magazine, Ellen McCarthy writes: "For our weddings, we are hyper-prepared. But for marriage? Often, not so much."

McCarthy asks in the piece: "What if the truth was that you didn't marry the wrong person? What if you just didn't know how to be married?"

The author notes that initially marriage was an "economic institution," arranged unions that benefited the families of the bride and groom. Then in the 19th century, somebody in the Western world got the bright idea that we should marry for love. As a result, marriage became more complicated, stressful even, and divorce became more common.

The piece points out that more than 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce, yet 75 percent of divorced women will remarry within 10 years, according to a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics. Unfortunately, the story reveals, the divorce rate for second marriages is more than 60 percent, and the divorce rate for those who marry for the third time is more than 70 percent. (And I thought the third time was the charm).

So the answer to a long-lasting marriage is...you guessed it — COMMUNICATION !!! (gasped !)

Surprised?

According to McCarthy's research, couples who had long-lasting marriages didn't argue any less than couples who had divorced. However, the couples who stayed together were able to creatively work out their differences. The story features several couples who attend marriage education retreats several times a year to work on and discuss their issues.

jeez.

This marriage thing sounds like a lot of work. Yet, I know so many of us who want to do it. Do we really understand what we'll be getting into?

What about you? Do you know how to be married?

Chris Brown at BET Awards

Wow. So did you see Chris Brown at the 2010 BET Awards last night?
I didn't (because I don't have cable). But my sister called me during the show. "He's crying. He's crying," she said. I was like, "What?"

But as I drove to my bootcamp this morning all the talk on the radio was about Chris Brown's emotional tribute to Michael Jackson while performing the legend's song Man in the Mirror.

When I returned home, I turned on the television and all the morning shows — The Today Show, CBS's Early Morning Show and Good Morning America — did updates on Chris Brown. "Was his breakdown sincere?" they asked.

As you know, Brown has not been able to regain his footing since physically assaulting singer Rihanna last year. The New York Times noted that upon receiving a trophy for BET's Fandemonium Award, Brown said, "I let you all down once, but I won't do it again. I promise you."

But on ABC News' overnight show, an anchor questioned Brown's sincerity. He asked if Brown was, "trying to choreograph a career comeback." See the video HERE. A commenter on an MTV story wrote that he believed Brown's performance was a publicity stunt and more than 20% of those surveyed on the Los Angeles Times' blog said Brown was faking it.


What do you think? Do you think Brown's breakdown was sincere or do you believe he was trying to gain sympathy points? Do you believe he deserves another chance at an entertainment career? Why or Why not?

Marriage on the Rocks

I talked to one of my college classmates earlier today. I'll call him "Calvin." He's having a little trouble in his marriage. His wife left a year ago, saying she was going to visit her family for a few weeks. She never came back. He has the kids for the summer.

"So, what's going on?" I asked.

He wants a divorce.

The two met in 2001 at his brother's college graduation. After four months of dating, he asked her to marry him. A few months later, they were married.

"Well, do you think you took the time to get to know her before you got engaged?" I asked.

He responded: "My father, who's been married for nearly 40 years to my mother, said no matter how long you know someone, you never really know them," he replied.

"oh, okay. Well, when did the marriage start going downhill?" I asked.

He said in 2005 after she quit her job. Well, actually, she was forced to leave her place of employment because she had forged some documents saying she had a certification that she really didn't have, Calvin said.

"Wow, is that the person you married?" I asked.

"No," he declared.

Then, according to him, she convinced him that they needed to buy this huge mega mansion in Atlanta. And even though she quit her job, she spent money like it was water, said Calvin. An engineer, he's currently footing the bill for it all while she's living in an apartment in another state. By the way, he's supporting her while she's out of state because she doesn't work and she has their two children.

Now after being gone for a year, his wife wants to give it another try.

But Calvin isn't hearing it. He's been hurt too bad.

"It's over," Calvin said. "You don't understand Lottie. I begged this woman to come back home. I wanted us to work it out, go to counseling, anything. I loved my wife.

"She would only put me down, tell me she was bored and we had nothing in common. So, I got tired of getting beaten down," said Calvin.

Forever the optimist, I tried to reason with him, convince him to get back with his wife and put their family back together. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to see the big picture, I said.

"I mean maybe she needed a year to relax and reflect," I told him. "Maybe she's realized what she had — a good husband and a good father."

But Calvin wasn't convinced. He's soured on the institution of marriage, doesn't want to do it again.

I don't know what to tell him. I hate to see marriages fail. They have two children. And at one time, they seemed to have loved each other.

What do you think?

Put a Ring on It

My co-worker (a male) just asked me why every woman has in her mind that she has to be married.

I said, not every woman wants to be married, look at Samantha from Sex and the City.

He said, "I"m talking about real women."

Lol.

I told him that it's not necessarily about being married. It's about being loved, companionship and having someone you can care about and depend on.
Basically, you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, I said.

"No!" he exclaimed, "women want the ring," he said.

What do you guys think?

(Photo by chiceaux)

IT'S FRIDAY !!!!!

I did my boot camp this morning, so I'm feeling a little refreshed, energized, ready to go!

So, what shall we talk about today? Love? Life? Laughter? (or the lack of?)

First, I saw a video yesterday on TheGrio about how men have a cheating gene, you know, men are wired to not be faithful. But the good news was that they can train their brains - yes TRAIN - to be monogamous. Check out the video here:.


Then I read an article on USAToday.com about a new study that revealed obese women have less sex than their normal-weight counterparts, but obese men have the same amount of sex as other men. So basically, the study is saying men can score not matter what size they are, but women? Well, we have to hit the gym if we want a little nooky.

DAMN !

Not only do I have to lose weight, but there are chances that I may pick a guy who hasn't trained his brain to be faithful.

What are your thoughts?

Question of the Day

At what age are you considered a cougar? 35? 40? 45? 50?
Or is it just based on age difference?

Lessons from a Legend

(photo by Imani Cheers)


Two weeks ago, I was in New Orleans for The New York Times Student Journalism Institute, a 2-week boot camp for new, young and beginning reporters.

On one of our last evenings in the city, our group had the opportunity to dine at Dooky Chase, a legendary restaurant in New Orleans visited by presidents, celebrities, dignitaries and a host of other important folk. Ray Charles even sang about the restaurant in his song, "Early in the Morning Blues."

After we had finished our meal of gumbo, fried chicken, catfish, shrimp creole, string beans, greens, macaroni and cheese, shrimp etoufee (or was it crawfish?) and bread pudding, the legendary chef and owner, Leah Chase, 87, came out and said a few words.

A tiny lady (she's not quite 5 feet), she was a delight, happy to see so many young women in attendance. (There were 20 females and 6 males in the Institute.) Her words of wisdom were heartfelt as she talked about the world's admonishment of strong women: "We know we're stronger, but we don't have to let men know it," she said to laughter. "Put him on a pedestal. Pat him on his back."

I know what Miss Leah was saying, do you? What do you think of her advice?

Back to School

So, I'm in Jackson this weekend for my class reunion.
What should I say when people ask me why I'm not married
or when am I going to settle down ?

Whenever my high school sweetheart emails me he always asks
if I'm married or if I have any children. I ignore him.
I never respond. I know he's married with children.
But I know I won't be able to avoid him this weekend.

I don't want to look like a failure or loser or someone
who can't keep a man or someone who's not good enough to
be wife material.

I think I'll just tell people I'm divorced.

Question of the Day: Love is Blind

Face it ladies, there are many times we dismiss guys based solely on how the look — he's too short, he's too pretty, he's too muscular, he's too - blah, blah, blah.

So my question for you today is:
Could you marry someone who you were not physically attracted to?

Question of the Day

If you had money or were married to an extremely wealthy man, would you have a nanny to take care of your child or children?

Why or why not?

Do you think having a nanny would allow you to spend more time with your husband or that you'll have more time to nurture your marriage?