Insomnia

I miss strong arms around me, holding me tight.

All That Glitters

They were like the modern day Cosbys: He with his Ivy League education and she with a successful, ever-growing business. On the outside they looked liked the perfect, happy couple.

Then it all fell apart.

I got a good talking to today from a friend going through a divorce. She cautioned me about my list (a successful, college-educated man, never married, no kids).

"I had the kind of man all my friends wanted," she said.

After an extravagant wedding and a romantic honeymoon in Paris, they settled in to live happily ever after. But more than a decade later he was gone and she was dealing with raising a child alone.

"I felt more lonely in my marriage than I do today," she explained.

She talked of how her accomplished husband's insecurities clashed with her growing ambition.

I understood what she was saying: just because a man was successful and college-educated didn't mean I was going to be happy.

"Be careful what you wish for," she warned.

Marriage is hard work, my friend noted.

I haven't hidden my desire for a mate, a partner, someone to share my life with - til death do us part. However, I've also written on this blog how I didn't know how to be married and wondered if I'd be a good wife.

"A husband isn't going to make you happy. You have to already be happy with yourself first," she lectured.

I know. I know. I've heard it all before. But it still doesn't take away the sting of loneliness.

What do you think?
Let me know your thoughts.

Today, I am Working

How's your 4th of July holiday?

I'm at work right now - pounding out a freelance piece. But I'm thinking about the movie, About a Boy. The 2002 film starred Hugh Grant, a single man who learns how to become a caring and responsible adult through his friendship with a curious little boy.

In the film, Grant's character notes that You can tell a person's status in life by how they spend the holidays. It was Christmas and Grant was the single man invited to the home of his married friends.

Today I am working. So, what does that say about me?

LOL.

But seriously I think Grant's character makes a point.

We single people usually gather together and make our own fun - especially on holidays like today. There was a time when you headed to someone's home on the 4th. You would eat some good BBQ, play games and meet other fun singles. You left with a phone number and a few new friends.

But I've learned as you get older, the cookout invitations decrease. People you used to see or hang out with are now, well, "booed up." They have plans with their significant other.

And me? Today I am working. Does that mean I care more about my career than my social life? I don't know. (these freelance gigs are paying the bills)

But I ask: How are you spending this holiday and what does it say about your status in life?

Let me know your thoughts.

Three Strikes - and You're Out?

I'm working on a series about successful entrepreneurs. One mentioned in another publication that a family member once told her, "No one should ever get three strikes, because if they did it once, they're going to do it again."

Ouch.

It reminds me of the Maya Angelou quote, "The first time someone shows you who they are believe them."

But I tend to want to see the good in people, so I often give people the benefit of the doubt — maybe he/she's having a bad day or they'll do better the next time or ...

I mean, don't you think people deserve another chance, a second chance? From my own experience, when I make a mistake, I try to correct it as best I can and try my best not to make it again. You know, learning from your mistakes.

But then again, I've run into those who were dishonest and no matter how many chances I've given them to clean up their act, I often realize — late in the game — that I should have taken them for who they were — the first time.

I once confronted a guy I was dating about a lie he had told. He apologized profusely and said he was "going through some things and it wouldn't happen again." Well, it wasn't even a week later when he lied again. I looked at him and said, "You haven't changed."

I do believe people show us who they really are early on, (maybe not the first time) yet we decide to ignore the signs - until they bite us and we're left bitter, hurt and disappointed. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships — friends and family too.

What about you?
Do you think it's a little harsh to dismiss someone the first time out or do you
give someone a few chances to redeem themselves?
Does it depend on the situation?
Does it depend on the person?

Let me know your thoughts.

Double Standard?

While doing research for a project on the Black family, I found a few interesting statistics: In 1960, 67 percent of Black families had a husband and wife. Between 1970 and 2001, the marriage rate decreased by 17 percent in the U.S. - 34 percent among African Americans. Today nearly half, 47 percent, of Blacks have never been married.

Wow.

But here's something even more interesting — according to the latest Census data, though 45.2 percent of Black women have never married, 48.8 percent of Black men haven't either.

Huh?

Nearly half of Black men over the age of 15 have never married. Yet no one talks about that. Check out the Census table here. (Table 2).

Over the past 2 or 3 years, all I've seen is article after article after article talking about how Black professional women can't get married, can't find eligible mates, yada yada yada. I've been bombarded with television shows and news specials about the sad fate of the lonely Black woman — the college-educated professional doomed to life as a spinster. And there have been a slew of reality shows too centered around a Black woman's quest to find love.

Yet, no one talks about the Single Black Man.

What gives?

I think this is a double standard. In her article, "Marriage: Black Brother's Where Art Thou?" posted on NPR.org last year, my friend Tanya asked: What do black men say about why they aren't marrying black women? Check out her story here.

I second Tanya: Why doesn't anyone ask Black men why they aren't marrying? It's not like they don't have plenty of options (or maybe they have too many).

In fact, why aren't there TV specials or article after article on the single Black male? Why is our culture so fixed on the "lonely" Black woman?

Thoughts?

Bridezillas

First let me say this: I need to stop watching, The Notebook. It is such a beautiful love story and I'm such a hopeless romantic. I yearn for a love like that — together until the end, til death do us part.

I also caught an episode of Bridezillas this weekend. I had never seen the show before, but I knew the premise just from the title: demanding divas having temper tantrums and over the top outbursts.

But I wasn't ready for what I saw. As I watched the show, I just couldn't imagine who would marry these girls. They were mean, spoiled, selfish. They had horrible attitudes, were nasty to their family and friends and cursed like drunken sailors. (One lady told her fiance, "I will stab you with these damn scissors.")

Yet, they were able to find men who wanted to marry them.

Huh?

Maybe all that craziness was just for the cameras. I hope so.

Below is a clip of the episode I saw this weekend:

Facebook Friends?

Ever since the Weiner scandal broke a couple of weeks ago, a lot of attention is being given to the role of social media in destroying relationships.

Do you remember the Michigan man who broke into his wife's email and found out she was cheating on him? (He was later jailed for hacking.)

So I have a couple of questions for you today:

1) Do you care who your husband or significant other "friend" on Facebook?

2) Would you want to know who all his "Friends" were — checking his account, reading his status updates, see who he's direct messaging?

3) What about Twitter? Would you mind if your husband or significant other "tweeted" suggestive, flirty or sexy things to another woman?

4) If the two never meet in person, is "sexting" considered cheating?

5) What constitutes cheating when it comes to social media?

6) If a married man flirts with a woman other than his wife on social media, is he committing adultery?


Let me know your thoughts.