Choices

My dad is retired so he loves to call me and chit chat. We talk about everything from politics to sports to history to dating. Last week we were having one of our friendly conversations about relationships and my dad stated that women had all the power in a relationship. They make all the choices, he said. Oh, here we go, I thought. (He loves to get me riled up)

I disagreed. Why do you think I'm not married? I asked.

"That's your choice," he said.

Are you serious? My choice is to be married but no one has chosen me, I argued.

My dad wasn't hearing it. He said a man presents himself before a woman, and a woman decides whether or not she wants to deal with that man. She may decide she's not interested in him romantically. She may decide she only wants to be friends. She may decide that she doesn't want to be bothered at all. But ultimately, my dad said, the woman makes the choice.

hmmm.

It reminded me of a conversation I had with my male co-worker after I had seen For Colored Girls. After telling him about the movie, he said, "Wow. These women made some bad choices."

I had never thought about that before.

I must admit that over the past few years, I've met a lot of good guys. But for whatever reason I didn't like them. Instead, I CHOSE losers. Yep, I've made some really bad choices. I guess I'm like the lady in green.

What do you guys think?
Do you believe the woman has the power in a relationship?
What about when the woman is the pursuer? Doesn't the man make the choice about whether or not he wants to be with her?
Have you made any bad choices?

Is Chivalry Dead?

I was listening to the Big Tigger Morning Show this morning and their twitter question of the day was: Things Men Don't Do Anymore.

Of course, the show received a lot of responses from their female listeners. One woman tweeted that men don't know about intimacy anymore - touching, kissing, hugging. They just want to "get it in" she noted. Another woman tweeted that men no longer commit and along the same lines, another listener wrote that men don't do relationships anymore — interesting. Please click here to read the rest of the twitter responses. Some are hilarious.

Tigger's co-host, Danella pointed out that men don't "court" women anymore.

She noted that gone are the days when you meet a guy, have a conversation with him on the phone, set up a date, he comes to pick you up for the date, you have a good time, he takes you home and you say good night.

Ms. Danella said guys don't want to call anymore, either. It's all about texting: "Can you meet me here?" And that's another thing, she said. What happened to the days when men would actually come pick you up for a date instead of you just "meeting" them out somewhere?

I'm with you Ms. Danella. But it's hard for men to court when they receive so many mix messages.

For example: I used to allow guys to come pick me up for a date. They would knock on my door, walk me to the car and open the car door for me. I never saw anything wrong with it. But listening to my friends who are concerned for my safety, now I often suggest that I meet a guy in a mutual place — a restaurant, movie theater. I understand the whole point of not wanting a stranger to know where you live - especially in these dangerous times when you really don't know what type of person you're dealing with initially. I think the online dating thing is a prime example of when you should meet someone in a public place. So today, I get in my car and drive.

But how do we expect men to court us if we don't even allow them to come pick us up for a date?

Last week, I had a date and agreed to meet the person at the event. My sister said, "He's not coming to pick you up? That's not a date." - LOL. (I'm not in Mississippi anymore Stephanie.)

Anyway, I'm getting off the topic. The question of the day is: What don't men do anymore?

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by Katie Tegtmeyer.

Sexual Healing

Yesterday, I wrote a post about how my doctor believed I was stressed and recommended a number of remedies such as yoga, breathing exercises and a Gratitude Journal.

Ironically, in yesterday's USAToday, there was an article about how people who are married or in committed relationships are "less susceptible to the effects of stress." In the article titled Like marriage, committed relationships may protect against stress, the author points to a recent study that found "the romantic bond of being in a committed relationship alters hormones that can buffer against stress."

Researchers in the piece also noted that "single people were more susceptible to psychological stress than those who are married or in a relationship."

wow.

Maybe the answer to my problem is love. I think Marvin Gaye had a point - lol.


What do you guys think of this study?
Do you believe single people are more susceptible to stress than those who are married or in a committed relationship? Why or Why not?
Let me know your thoughts.

photo by ku'uipo.

Doctor's Orders

So I went to the doctor today. My blood pressure was up and so was my weight. I panicked.

"Am I going to have to take blood pressure medicine?" I asked. "Do I need to go to a nutritionist or dietician to help me with my weight?"

She dismissed my concerns. Let me show you some numbers, she said. This is considered high blood pressure. You're not there. Okay, I said, feeling a little better. And this is the BMI for your height.

Well, I was over the BMI for my height, but nothing she thought I should be seriously concerned about. Lose 10 pounds and you'll be within your range for your height.

Then she looked at me eye to eye: Tell me, what's up? she asked.

I was near tears. I told her how I haven't been able to find a job in two years. I told her how I live in a really bad neighborhood but couldn't move because of the market. I explained how I needed a lot of work done on my car but couldn't afford a new one. I also told her that I had a hard time sleeping. I would wake up at 3 am every morning. And I expressed my frustration with not being able to lose weight no matter how much I exercised. (I didn't tell her that sometimes I felt bad because I didn't have a love life.)

"It's all stress-related," she said.

Huh?

The increase in your blood pressure, your weight gain, it's all stress-related, she explained.

First of all, you look great, she said.

I smiled. "Thanks," I said. I was feeling better already - lol.

I see you just had a birthday. How was it?

"It was great," I said. "I went to New York and had brunch with a few friends."

And do you have nice neighbors?

I thought about it. "Actually, I do."

Did you graduate in May? That's a big accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself.

"I am," I said, then smiled.

Have you heard of Gratitude Journals, she asked. I want you to start one. Each night I want you to write down two things you are grateful for - just two. We've already listed four just sitting in this office.

She was right. Okay, I said.

Now get up on the table and let's check your blood pressure again.

And just like that, my pressure was down. Wow. She's good, I thought.

This is what I want you to do, she said. And she wrote out my prescription:
1) Each night write down 2 things you are grateful for.
2) Do soft breathing exercises 10 minutes before going to bed.
3) Do YOGA twice a week.
4) Cut out the McDonald's sweet tea (that's 500 calories of pure sugar).
5) Make sure you get 1000mf of Calcium and 1000 units of Vitamin D every day.

If you do those things, she said, your stress level will go down. You'll also see your blood pressure decrease and you'll begin to lose weight again.

The doctor didn't put me on a diet or give me any medication. But she was concerned about my stress. I think stress is a disease unto itself. I believe it leads to many other things like high blood pressure, strokes, heart attacks. As a result, she is trying to provide me with preventive measures.

I get it: She wants me to focus on the positive and not so much about the things that are going wrong in my life.

"I want to see you in 6 months," she said.

I was smiling when I left the doctor's office. I felt a lot better than when I first arrived.

What are your thoughts about stress?
Do you believe that stress can manifest itself in other, harmful ways like acne or stomachaches, migraines or major weight gain?
What do you do to de-stress?
Do you exercise? sip tea? go to yoga? meditate? listen to music? go for a long walk?

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombastico (ClintJCL).

Housewives Update

I watched the latest episode of the Atlanta Housewives on Hulu. It was cool.
So, let's dish:

First of all, Kandi knows Kim can't sing. Why did she give her that song with all those notes? Was she trying to be funny? Did yall hear Kim? I was screaming! But we know that all Kandi has to do is put a funky beat to it and it will be a hit. Also, Lawrence, Sheree's hairstylist, sounds way better than Kim. Girlfriend can really sing. I was totally feeling the "Closet Freak" song. Will he sell as many records as Kim's "Tardy for the Party?"

Bryson is getting on my nerves. But I guess I got to give the young fella some slack. He's only 20. Do you think he's motivated? He does have a famous mom who can provide him with resources and connections - that makes a big difference. Maybe he just needs to meet the right person and he'll be on his way. I like what Peter was telling him. I think Peter be a good role model, a good mentor for Bryce. Right now he seems to lack initiative.

The actor Leon and also father of model Cynthia Bailey's daughter, sounded so good — ooooh,weeee. His voice is like butter ! I didn't have to look at the computer. I just wanted to hear him talk.

I don't get it. Why does Kim have an assistant? Does she work?

I have to admire Sheree. She sticks to her standards. If you don't have money, she's really not interested. That's why she's getting rid of the Doc. He had the nerve to stay at a Holiday Inn. In her words - "Who stays at Holiday Inn?" I love it !

Leave Phaedra alone. People have their babies early all the time. (lol)

Okay, NeNe and Greg. They are struggling right now. NeNe is all about confrontation. She says what she feels when she feels like it. She doesn't hold anything back. And when she wants to tell you about yourself, she really likes putting her finger in your face. She did it with Dwight and on this episode, her husband - who looked like he wanted to..I don't know. Maybe she should confront him behind closed doors and not in front of company.

Alright, what do you think of the latest episode?

The Black Relationship Series

Okay, where have I been the past two or three weeks?

Obviously, there's been several cartoon-like videos on Black relationships that have gone viral. I found out about them while checking out my friend Tanya's blog I Wanna Sing Like Sarah "Sassy" Vaughn.

The first video I viewed was a man's perspective on what he believes are the unrealistic expectations of a professional single Black woman. In the video, the lady is rattling off a list of things she wants punctuated with a list of things she won't do. It has had more than 500,000 views on YouTube. Check it out here:


The second video was a woman's view of what she believes are the unrealistic expectations of the Black man. The man in the cartoon says he expects his wife to have a degree, but not from a historically black college or university. He wants her to have a career, but she is not allowed to make more than he does. He also wants her to cook every night and care for their Six kids. Oh yeah, she must stay sexy. Check out the video here:


A number of Black media outlets have complained that the videos reinforce stereotypes of African American men and women. A blog on Essence.com emphasizes that, "While there are plenty of women out there with unrealistic expectations, the aim of this anonymous filmmaker seems to be to make this a problem unique to Black women." And author Ronda Racha Penrice writes on thegrio.com that, "While many of us may question the accuracy of the content of these videos, we can't deny that something is terribly amiss in the black male-female relationship dynamic."

The author of the original video (at the top), Darroll Lawson, is a 40-year-old married father of three. He has been featured on the Tom Joyner Morning Show as well as in mainstream media outlets including the Associated Press. In his interview with theroot.com, Lawson says the inspiration for the video came from the things he heard when he was single and dating. "If you turn on popular media, there is a consistent message [of materialism]," he said. Please read the entire interview here.

So, tell me what are your thoughts on these videos?

Nip Tuck

So a good friend allowed me to come over last night to watch the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Boy did I have a good time.

Ms. Phaedra is something else isn't she? And what do you think of Sheree's new man? I've already read reports that he's bogus. (that he only wants to date her so he can be on tv and advance his own media career.) Do you think his intentions are sincere? Check out this Bossip report.

But I was really interested in NeNe's plastic surgery. She had her nose done, a breast lift and liposuction around her tummy. She talked about why she did it in this piece in People magazine.

So, what do you think of NeNe's decision to undergo plastic surgery?
Would you have plastic surgery if you had the money to do it? If so, what procedures would you get - breast implants? liposuction? tummy tuck?
I know two folks who've had breast reduction surgery because of back problems.

I would love to have thinner thighs but I have an extremely low tolerance for pain and am scared to death of needles (the nurse has to hold my hand when they take blood). I guess I'll just have to keep teaching Jazzercise- lol.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts.