Monday, March 5, 2012

No Qualified Candidates?

Last August I bought one of those vouchers for matchmaking services. As you know, I've done online dating, speeddating, and other things to meet a potential partner, so I decided I'll try my hand at matchmaking. I mean, it couldn't hurt. I love the show Millionaire Matchmaker and these are suppose to be the experts at helping you find "true" love, right? Lol.

So in October the Matchmaker contacted me and asked me to email her a little bit about myself and who I am looking for in a partner. I told her I was a writer who loved to dance and volunteer. I also enjoy cultural activities (theater, museum exhibits, etc.), sporting events and traveling.

This is what I emailed her about what I was looking for in a partner:
I would like to meet someone kind, caring and Honest.
I prefer a college-educated African American professional, never
married, no kids between the age of 38 and 45.
I want a gentleman, someone who knows how to court a Southern lady. I want
someone polished, yet laid back- a person who is comfortable at the Kennedy Center or at a Wizards game or local comedy spot.

She called me a little later: "Are you flexible?" she asked.
Of course, I said.
She continued: "Does he have to be Black? Does religion matter? Would you go out with someone with kids? What are your absolute nos?" (I think I said smoking.)

oh, geez.

Fast forward five months, it's March and I haven't heard from the Matchmaker. So I contacted her on Friday and inquired about my matchmaking services. I mean Spring is almost here and I would love to have someone to hang out with in the nice weather.

Well, I received this email from her yesterday:
Dear Lottie,
I wanted to let you know that I have been working on your profile and unfortunately, I do not think we are going to be able to help you. I do not have any gentlemen in your area that are meeting the criteria you have outlined for me. Whilst I am happy to keep you on file and search for you, I do not want you to be disappointed. If you prefer a refund, %$$$## will take care of you.




kendra said...

38 to 45? never married? no kids? so no-go if he's 47? later if he has kids & is a great dad? seems a bit restrictive. i'm not surprised the matchmaker was unsuccessful.

SingLikeSassy said...

@Kendra: Not everybody wants to be bothered with other folks' kids, great dad or no, and just like not all single women are baby mamas, not all single men are baby daddies.

I would think the one thing really limiting you is the race restriction, but honestly, this list seems fine to me and I find it hard to believe that what you want can't be found in the DMV area. I would get my money back.

Anonymous said...

Can't find an African American man with those specs in DC? She never looked.

Laura Rush said...

I'm no expert, but you might look at things from this point of view: if a guy has made it to the ripe old age of 38 (at least) and never been married, then maybe it's more likely that there's a good reason he's never been married.

I'm not telling you to compromise your values or standards -- especially since I don't know your specific reasons for wanting a guy who has never been married or doesn't have kids -- but there might be some fantastic African-American, college-educated men out there for you who just had some bad luck with their first marriage.

When I was single (and I was single for a LOOOONG time before I met my husband in my mid- to late-thirties), my basic criteria for a partner was that he was someone I "clicked" with. I just wanted someone who got me. He could have been any race or a wide range of ages or occupations.

I mean, isn't that really what we're all looking for? Someone who "gets" us? And isn't it possible that the person who is going to "get" you is a year (or two, or three, or five) older/younger than your age range, or has been married previously, or whatever?

I guess my advice would be to throw out the predetermined image/demographic you have in your head of what your future mate will be like. Focus instead on what characteristics you want him to have. You've done that a bit with your "polished yet laid back" criteria. But expand on that instead of focusing on age ranges or whether they've been married or not (unless that's important to you for a specific reason that makes sense to you).

Maybe say you're looking for a good conversationalist or someone who is truthful and sincere or whatever (fill in your blanks as appropriate) would work better.

Sherri said...

Laura Rush said it best... and limitations also limit possibilities.

kendra said...

what laura said! that's what i was trying to say; she was much more eloquent about it!

Anonymous said...

Before I got married I used to joke that "my husband is married to the wrong woman right now." Still, I never thought I would marry someone who had been married before, though it wasn't a non-negotiable for me the way child-free was a non-negotiable.

That said, while some men did have bad luck with their first marriage, some folks should not be married at all, like my now exhusband (and we are still close, he just figured out that marriage is a bad fit for him while married to me), for example. So there's several ways to look at all this and I can understand you wanting to take your chances with someone who hasn't been down that road before.

At the end of the day, I think people like what they like and want what they want but you have to be open and flexible.

But I still can't believe the matchmaker couldn't find ONE man in the DMV that fit your criteria.

Finally, read this post: Bougie Bachelor Chronicles - "This is like work!"

SingLikeSassy said...

P.S. That last post was from me! SingLikeSassy

Anonymous said...

She is right, and she made one point that I have been trying to tell you all along. If a man made it to 38-40 and never got married or had kids, there is probably a reason for that --- a reason that you will not like.

Drop the limitations, and just see. I would probably stick with the education part though --- that's important to me.

SingLikeSassy said...

"If a man made it to 38-40 and never got married or had kids, there is probably a reason for that --- a reason that you will not like."

See, I disagree with this statement because, Lottie is 38-40 with no kids and children, is something wrong with her?

SingLikeSassy said...

ACK! I mean, never married and no children. Obviously, no kids and no children are the same thing.

And that is my cue to leave this post be for the day. LOL!

Drea said...

I doubt that there will be a decent guy betwen 38 to 45 with no kids. The list isn't bad and you want what you want but chances are very slim. Perhaps if you go further than the DMV?? There are guys around 43 that have never been married before - I know a few but they do have a child or two.

SingLikeSassy said...

I think it's sad that the ladies in this post don't know any men who have decided not to have children outside of wedlock.

TNDRHRT said...

I still can't believe that she wasn't able to find at least ONE guy. With that said, you are also not going to find many men our age who have never been married and/or not have kids. That's simply facts. You may have to go a little younger in the dating pool to meet those requirments. However, the NM/NK guys are out there. I've met a few.

TNDRHRT said...

Most of the guys I've dated who had kids had them within the confines of a marriage. I'm trying to think of a guy I've dated who had kids out of wedlock. Hmmm...I know of one while I was in grad school in Iowa, but no one here in DC. Even the younger guys I've dated, didn't have kids at all. A plus, but of course they had other issues.

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