Don't Ask, Don't Tell

So, I just learned he's divorced.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked.

"Why you just asking?" he shot back.

I was, I don't know, disappointed?

For our first date, I tried not to do my usual "interviewing" — where are you from? where did you go to school? do you have any children? have you ever been married? do you like what you do? — so I didn't. But as a result, I missed out on some very pertinent information. Information that I feel would have helped me decide whether I wanted to go any further with this person.

I know people get on me about "interviewing" men when I first meet them. But I believe by asking them certain questions upfront you can decide whether or not this is a person you are interested in getting to know better.

As I found out today, when you don't ask those questions, some folks are not going to volunteer the information. You just have to find out later — months later (maybe even years). It may be through casual conversation or worse, gossip. (Oh, and don't let me find you on Maury Povich saying 'He IS the father'!)

That's not cool.

I would rather know early on who I'm dealing with, than later on after I've gotten into a relationship or developed strong feelings for someone.

So, it came out today that he is divorced. He was married for two years in his early 20s.

"What?" I was livid.

"I didn't want to tell you because I knew how you would react," he said. "Plus, it was like 13 years ago."

Now that's just dishonest to me. Seriously.

Do I enjoy spending time with this person? Sure. Would I have gone out with him if I knew early on that he had been married before? Probably. I've dated divorced men. But he didn't give me a chance to make that decision. I was robbed of that opportunity.

Several years ago, I learned that someone I had been seeing for nearly two years was divorced. I had never known that he had been married in his early 20s. Like the current dude, he said, "you never asked."

wow.

So, I'm going back to the way I used to do things. When I meet someone who may be interested in me romantically, I'm going to ask UPFRONT the questions I want to know: Are you married? Are you separated (because you know some folks think just because they no longer live in the same house they're not married)? Have you ever been married? Do you have any children? If so, how many? Ages? etc. I'm just going to get it out of the way.

Now I may not ask at the first handshake or first hello, but you better believe our first telephone conversation will be about getting to know this person. Yes, I want to know if you have a job (or are in-between jobs because of the economy or working toward a job because you may have just completed school). Yes I want to know if you have children and if so, how many. Yes, I want to know if you've ever been married.

It is important to me to understand what kind of situation I may be potentially stepping into and it will allow me to decide whether or not I want to pursue a relationship with someone.

As I learned today, if you don't ask, you won't know.

What are your thoughts?
Do you think if someone is not forthcoming about their past it's like lying?
Do you think it's being dishonest?