What Not To Wear

A few weeks ago I saw a woman who had to be in her 50s, maybe even 60s, wearing short shorts and girlfriend looked good in her shorts!

So that got me to thinking: Now that I'm closer to 40 than 30, at what age should I stop wearing certain clothing?

How old is too old to wear:
mini skirts
sleeveless tops or sleeveless dresses
daisy duke shorts
low rise jeans
bikinis
short, navel-revealing tops

Remember in Sex and the City 2, Samantha, who was 50, had on the same outfit as teen queen Miley Cyrus. At what age would I look absolutely ridiculous wearing, I don't know, wedge shoes?

On an episode of The Real Housewives of New York last year, housewife Jill commented that rival Ramona was too old to be wearing a bikini. Except for one, all of the women are in their 40s. And by God, Ramona looked good in her swim wear.

Now, Halle Berry, who is in her 40s, looks absolutely gorgeous in a bikini. But we all don't have Halle Berry's perfect body.

And did you see the photos of Oscar winner Helen Mirren, left, in a bikini? Girlfriend is in her 60s and rocking it! Check out the photos here.

Anyway, I guess my question is, if you have the BODY, does that mean you can wear whatever you want at any age?


Tina Turner still looks good in a mini skirt at near 70. But I'm not delusional. I know I won't look like Tina Turner when I'm nearly 70.



I'm aware, however, that things begin to droop and sag as we get older. Though exercise and weight-bearing movements help a lot, eventually gravity takes over. Cher once admitted in an interview that she hated aging, getting older. And Madonna is doing all she can to fight mother nature.

But seriously, some women of a certain age don't feel comfortable showing their arms. I don't feel comfortable wearing shorts (for obvious reasons - lol !).


So tell me:
What things do you think are inappropriate for a woman over 40, over 50 or over 60 to wear?

Let me know your thoughts.


Halle Berry photo by Brava67.

Photo of Helen Mirren by Steve Garfield.

Tina Turner photo by Exettra Inc..

My Decision

"So, what's your answer?"

During dinner Thursday, "Troy" had expressed his desire to be in a committed relationship with me. I was surprised, flattered, speechless.

Really? I asked.

"Yes," he said, emphatically.

Well, why do you like me? I asked, successfully avoiding his question.

Troy told me that he was initially attracted to me because of my Southern upbringing. He liked Southern women, he said, because they had good morals, could cook and had strong family values.

Hmmm, I was sort of put off by this. I didn't want anyone to like me because of where I was from. There are good and bad people everywhere. There are definitely some trifling folks in Mississippi - believe me I know.

Well, let me think about it.

So on Saturday he asked me again.

"Well, have you thought about it?" he asked.

Well, what do you want? I asked.

"Man, you're just like a dude," he said, "always avoiding the question."

But he answered anyway: "I want you to be my girl, my girlfriend. I want us to date exclusively. I want to be in a relationship."

whoa.

I didn't know if I was ready for that yet. I wanted to date - different people - until I found "the one." And I didn't feel that I had found "the one" yet.

Troy made it clear that he didn't want to date other people, that he wanted to date me only (hadn't I heard that before — from someone that was practically engaged): "I'm 36," he said, "those days are over for me. I want to settle down."

But isn't this what I wanted too? All summer I wanted a boyfriend. I longed for a male companion to do things with and share my life: dinner, movies, etc.

So why was I so hesitant?

Well, why don't we just continue to date without putting a label on it, I suggested.

Troy was upset: "Lottie, no. When we go out, I want to introduce you as my girlfriend. What are you afraid of? he asked. "Why don't you want to commit?"

I guess deep down I felt that if I spent all my time with Troy, I would miss out on meeting "the one," my soul mate. I really just wanted to date.

But Troy wasn't having it. He wanted to make things official.

"If you can't be my girlfriend, then I don't want to continue to do the dating thing. I think you're just looking for a buddy," he said.

An ultimatum? I hated ultimatums.

Well, let's just hang out sometime, I said (thinking about the incident that had transpired the evening before, in which he demanded boyfriend "privileges" and had been pulled over for speeding after a night of drinking).

He was silent. "Is that what you want?" he asked softly.

Yeah, I said.

"Okay," he said, sounding visibly hurt.

There was silence on the other end. I had made my decision.

"Well, do you want to 'hang out' at The Park on Thursday," he finally asked.

I can't. I have to teach a Jazzercise class.


Tell me:
What are your thoughts?

Too Busy for Love?

His friends think I'm married.

I mean, I got a good tongue-lashing last night from one of my male suitors. I'll call him Dean:

"I always have to call you. I'm always asking you to go out. It's always on your time and when you're available. You won't let me pick you up for a date. You never let me come over. I feel like I'm the female in the relationship," he said, frustrated.

We've been seeing each other for about a month and I do enjoy his company. But I'm a Southern Belle. Aren't men suppose to call you? Aren't they suppose to plan the dates?
What's his problem?

He went on:
"You won't let me pick you up because you say you're in D.C. and you're not suppose to let people know where you live. But then you tell me you're from Mississippi and men are suppose to call women. Which one is it? You can't have it both ways."

Why not? I asked.

He continued:
"I'm trying to figure things out. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you. But something always comes up. You never have time to do anything. You're never available. I don't know if you like me or not."

He wasn't finished:
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's harder and harder to get you to do stuff. When I want to spend some quality time with you, something always comes up. Like I said, I feel like the female in this relationship. I always have to initiate everything. I'm always chasing you."

Again, isn't that what men are suppose to do? Women aren't suppose to chase men. Men are suppose to do the courting.

Finally he said:
"Look, I like you - a lot. You're smart. You have your own sh%t. You're cool to be around. But it's like you have your own thing going on and you don't want me to invade your space."

I was silent. Since I've been single I've filled my days with "stuff." Jazzercise six days a week, some yoga or Zumba, a little volunteering, a little traveling and whatever else I can find to do: a play, an exhibit, a festival, a book talk. I mentored for five years and for the past two years, school projects filled my time.

But I've also wanted male companionship: someone to have dinner with or go to a movie, a nice walk in the park on a warm sunny day or a drink on a rooftop during a cool summer night; and a little male affection wouldn't hurt — a hug, a kiss, someone to hold my hand.

Then Dean asked: "Do you want a boyfriend? Do you want a man?"

I do. But maybe I've gotten so used to making sure I'm busy that I've forgotten how to date. Or maybe: he's not the one?

What are your thoughts?

Marriage and Mistresses - Part II

In yesterday's post, I asked: Do you believe mistresses break up marriages?

Today I ask: Who's to blame for a husband's cheating?

My co-worker and I always get into it about cheating.
I tell him that married men cheat because they are selfish and greedy. They're not satisfied with a good woman, but always think the grass is greener on the other side. Many cheat because they think they won't get caught.

My co-worker, who happens to be a 50-something single Black male, counters by saying,"Lottie, it takes two to tango. Who are the men cheating with? Obviously, there are women out there who are willing to be with these men, knowing their marital status."

I can't argue with that. There wouldn't be cheating if there weren't willing participants. There are some who get involved with men who they know are married.

So I ask, if a married man steps to a single woman, is it the single woman's responsibility to respect his marriage vows - even if he doesn't?

Okay, again: Who's to blame for a husband's cheating?

I asked another male friend, a guy in his late '30s, why married men cheat. Why do they get married if they're not going to be faithful? I asked.

He said married men cheat because something's missing in the marriage. The wife isn't satisfying him. If a man was happy at home, then he wouldn't feel the need to step outside his marriage, he noted.

WHAT ?!

I refuse to believe that a man cheats because something the wife is not doing. I think it's placing the blame on the wrong person. Again, I think cheating is about selfishness and greed. If a man can cheat without getting caught, he will. It has nothing to do with the woman, his wife - who may be a perfectly good, committed mate and mother. I don't think it's fair to blame a woman for a man's weaknesses.

I do understand, however, that each situation is different: every marriage, every relationship has its own set of complications and there are no specific reasons why particular men cheat.


So, what do you think?
Is it fair to blame wives for their husband's infidelity?
Do you think some men cheat because they are not being "satisfied" at home?
What role do mistresses play in affairs? Would married men cheat if there weren't willing participants?

Let me know your thoughts.

photo by kool_skatkat.

Marriage and Mistresses

My question is simple: Do mistresses break up marriages?

Alicia Keys was a mistress before she was a wife. Her husband, producer Swizz Beatz, was married when he and the Grammy-winning singer started dating. NBA star Dwayne Wade was still married when he and actress Gabriel Union became involved. And recently, a lot has been noted in the press about singer Fantasia Barrino's affair with a married man.


In all these cases, the jilted wives have accused these celebrities of breaking up their "happy" homes. Do you remember Mashonda's letter to Alicia Keys that was published in Vibe magazine last year? What about Wade's wife, Siohvaughn, filing suit against Ms. Gabriel for emotional distress of the couple's two sons? And it was Paula Cook's allegations of infidelity in her divorce papers against her husband Antwaun that sent Fantasia over the edge.

But Fantasia has emphatically denied being a homewrecker and has said that Antwaun was separated when they got together. In a statement to CNN, the singer's manager, Brian Dickens, said, "Fantasia is certain that she is not responsible for the deterioration of the Cook's marriage."

Earlier this year, Rielle Hunter, the infamous mistress of former presidential candidate John Edwards, told Oprah that she did not cause the demise of the Edwards' fairytale marriage. In a GQ article published earlier this year, Hunter said: "...infidelity doesn't happen in healthy marriages. The break in the marriage happens before the infidelity. And that break happened, you know, two and a half decades before I got there. So the home was wrecked already. I was not the Home Wrecker." (Can you believe I'm quoting crazy a$$ Rielle Hunter?)

So I have a few questions for you:
1) Do you believe Alicia Keys broke up Swizz Beatz' marriage? Did Gabriel Union break up Dwayne Wade's marriage? Did Fantasia break up the happy home of Antwaun Cook? Are these women home wreckers?

2) Do you believe mistresses break up marriages?

3) Do you believe SOME marriages are already in trouble before the infidelity begins?

4) Do you believe a man is available if he is separated? (For example, Fantasia keeps insisting that Antwaun was separated) Does it matter how long he's been separated and living away from his wife - 2, 3, 5, 10 years?

What are your thoughts?

Dwayne Wade photo by Keith Allison.

Swizz Beatz photo by minusbaby.

John Edwards photo by Alexdecarvalho.

Eat, Pray, LIVE !!

I'm in a funk.

I don't feel good about how my life is progressing right now, well, because it isn't.

I feel stuck, you know. I'm not growing, not moving. I feel a NEED, a deep desire to do something else — I just don't know what.

I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just not happy right now (and I'm usually a pretty happy person). Maybe it's PMS. Let's see if I still feel this way next week.

But I don't feel my best - my beautiful best.
Last Saturday I attended a health fair and found out my blood pressure was up. WHAT? I couldn't believe it. I thought the lady was crazy, on drugs or didn't know how to use the machine. I told her that I teach Jazzercise six days a week and TRY to eat a healthy diet. My blood pressure is always low, I told her.

"Is something going on in your life that is stressing you out?" she asked.

I couldn't pinpoint it at that time, but I really believe that I need a change of scenery: an eat, pray, LIVE moment.

Unlike Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, I can't afford to take a year off — though I wish I had her adventuresome spirit. Sometimes I am so damn responsible: I go to work, pay my bills, obey the law, blah, blah, blah. I admire those who just do what they want without thought of consequence; you know those fearless souls who live by their own rules. That's freedom.

But I would do a month, yeah, a month. That's probably all I need to "get my groove back," and get my creative juices flowing again. Gilbert traveled to Italy, India and Bali to renew her spirit, I would visit a Caribbean island. I want to go to a place that has a fabulous spa as well as hiking and yoga, meditation and massages.

I want to go to a place where I can get up when I want, explore, shop, dance and eat dessert - lol ! — all on my own schedule. I don't want to worry about work or bills, the lack of money or the lack of love or all that other stuff that comes with life.

I need a break. I need to get my joy back, get rejuvenated. I'm too young to be having a mid-life Crisis.


What about you?
What do you do to get out of a funk? Do you travel? Fast? Meditate?
What is your dream destination for your EAT, PRAY, LIVE MOMENT?
Where would you go? What would you do? How long would you stay?

Another One Bites the Dust

Okay, today I was suppose to write about marriage and mistresses, but something happened this morning that I had to share with my legions of fans (All 5 followers - lol !!!).

Last night I was talking to a guy who I'll call "Eric." We had been out a couple of times - a movie, dinner - and he had made it known to me that he was really "digging me" and wanted us to date. He seemed okay - nice smile, down to earth, good conversationalist.

So we were talking about plans for this weekend when he announced that he wanted to bring me breakfast in the morning.

"Oh, that's not necessary," I said.

"No. I want to," he insisted. "What time do you have to be at work?"

"I'm usually there by 9. But really, you don't have to bring me breakfast. Plus, I don't want you to be late for work," I said.

"I work for the federal government. I can go in a little late," Eric said. "What do you like for breakfast?"

"Oatmeal."

At 5:15 this morning, I hear a knock at my door. 5 AM !!!

I was like - Who is this knocking at my door at 5 in the morning? I didn't answer it.

Then my phone rang. It was Eric.

"Hello?"

"Hey, I'm at your door," he said. "I brought you breakfast."

"It's 5 o'clock in the morning," I said. "Why are you at my house so early?"

"I told you I was going to bring you breakfast," Eric said.

"Are you serious?" I asked. I was PO'd.

"Are you going to come out?" he asked.

I got up, threw on some pants and a big t-shirt. I went to the door, cracked it open. It was still dark outside. Eric, in his dress pants, nice shirt and tie, was standing on my porch. He had a Starbucks bag in his hand with my oatmeal.

"Man, you need your grass cut," he said. "I can come do it for you."

"Why did you come to my house this early?" I asked.

"I get to work early and wanted to beat the traffic," he said. "Here," and he put the Starbucks bag in my hand and tried to come in. But I stood in the doorway. "Are you going to let me in?"

"Eric, thank you so much for this," I said. "I really appreciate you picking this up for me. But I'm really tired and need to go back to bed."

"For real?" Eric asked, his eyebrows raised."You aren't going to let me in?"

"It's 5 o'clock in the morning. I'm going back to bed," I said.

"But I got up early to bring you breakfast," Eric said with disbelief.

"Eric, I know. This was really, really nice, but I'm not going to let you in. I'm going back to bed," I said.(Did he think he was going to just hang out at my house until he got ready to go to work?)

"wow. okay," he said and walked away.

Just as I was about to doze off again, my phone rang. It was Eric calling from his car.

"So are we still on for this weekend?" he asked.

I don't know, I told him. He shouldn't have come over so early.

"Does that mean we're not dating anymore? Are you breaking up with me?" Eric asked.

Was he serious? First of all, I didn't know I was in a relationship. Secondly, this incident really disturbed me.

I mean, I understand that this guy wanted to do something special - like bring me breakfast. It would have been okay if he would have come around 7:30, 8, even 7 - at least the sun would have been out. But at 5 a.m.? Unfortunately his kind gesture backfired. It just made me feel a little uneasy.

What kind of person thinks it's okay to show up at someone's house at 5 a.m.? But then again, he probably thought it was perfectly fine and saw nothing wrong with bringing me breakfast that early.

Eric sent me a text around 9 a.m. - "Did you get back to sleep?"

I didn't reply. He's called twice today. I haven't returned any of his calls. I'm thinking.

Obviously Eric had good intentions. It wasn't a bad thing. It was just bad judgment. The episode, however, still freaked me out, though I think he's pretty harmless.

But I don't know guys, just when I thought I had met a winner, he does this...


What do you think? Was I wrong? Should I have let him in, even if it was just for a few minutes? What would you have done? Did I overreact? Was I rude? Did I seem ungrateful? Do you think his actions were a little over the top? Do you think it was just a little mistake, a case of bad judgment on his part?


Let me know your thoughts.

It's Bittersweet: The Fantasia Fallout

If you haven't already heard, American Idol winner and VH1 Reality TV star Fantasia Barrino accidentally overdosed on aspirin and sleeping pills Monday at her Charlotte, N.C. home. ABCNews.com obtained the 911 call made by her manager Brian Dickens. You can hear it here.

The incident happened only days after a woman alleged that Fantasia had an affair with her husband and there were sex tapes to prove it. According to a divorce petition filed by Paula Cook, wife of Antwaun Cook, Fantasia wined and dined Antwaun, providing him with a lavish lifestyle including flying him to such places as Miami, New York, LA and even Barbados. As a result of Fantasia's actions, Paula alleges, her marriage fell apart.

In the documents, Paula accuses Fantasia of telling her: "He don't want you. Maybe the next time you get a husband you'll know how to keep him. That's why he is here with me." Read the CNN story here.

whoa.

Fantasia's manager acknowledged that the 26-year-old singer and Antwaun Cook were in an 11-month relationship and that Fantasia feels betrayed. In a statement Dickens noted:
"Fantasia believed Mr. Cook when he told her he was in a bad marriage and his heart was not in it. She believed him when he told her he and Mrs. Cook separated in the late summer of 2009... Fantasia loved Mr. Cook and thought he loved her."

wow. I'm sure Fantasia was and still is quite devastated. Check out the Today Show's report on the incident.

If you've read the comments section of any news story about this saga, many folks believe Fantasia was having an adulterous affair. There are those who argued that she was involved with a man who was married - period. Whether he was separated or not didn't matter - he was a married man and therefore off limits. (By the way, people are harsh in those comments sections.)

So what do you guys think of this situation?
Do you think a man is available if he is separated?
Does it matter the length of time he's been separated?
Is a person allowed to date if he/she is separated?
Should a person be able to get involved in a relationship if they
are going through a divorce?
Shouldn't they be able to move on and be happy? Meet other people maybe?

Let me know your thoughts.

Oh, yeah - Be sure to look for my blog tomorrow on "Marriage and Mistresses."


Photo by Jyle Dupuis.

Potpourri

So, what do you guys think of Lawrence Fishburne's daughter, Montana, wanting to be a porn star?

According to this article on TheGrio.com, the 19-year-old said, "I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape."

So far this young lady has gotten a lot of publicity and I don't think the tape has even come out yet. Do you think her stint as a porn star will give her the fame she wants and will launch a successful career?


One person who's had a successful career is Wyclef Jean. The singer, songwriter and super-producer had a wonderful ride as a member of the Fugees and went on to produce solid hits for a number of other artists including Whitney Houston and Shakira. Now he wants to be president of his native Haiti. What do you think of his chances? Do you think he has the skills, political acumen or knowledge to uplift Haiti, still in disrepair and turmoil from the earthquake?

I know Wyclef wants to help his country and the millions that continue to suffer each day. However, desire is one thing. Knowledge and skillset is something else. But I guess if he can surround himself with the right folks, he can pull it off.

Think about it. Lots of celebrities (athletes and entertainers) have gone on to second careers: Former NBA star Kevin Johnson is the mayor of Sacramento. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. Sonny Bono was a mayor and then became a congressman. And lest we forget, Ronald Reagan was the 40th president of the United States.

So why not Wyclef?

Before I leave, I have to mention the newest Housewives franchise: The Real Housewives of D.C. Did anyone catch it? What did you think?

Photos by:
kk+.
BiggerPictureImages.com.

Lessons from the Millionaire Matchmaker

While up late one night earlier this week, I caught the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger, on a rerun of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Since I haven't caught up with my cable guy yet, I've really been missing my reality shows. Oprah, Patti and design expert Nate Berkus were trying to help a 42-year-old single woman looking for love. She just didn't understand why she couldn't land a boyfriend.

Like me, this lady had a long list of the qualities she wanted in her ideal mate: never married, no kids, fun, passionate, smart, pet-friendly, etc. Among other things, she wanted a man who did not drink out of a straw. Yep, a straw. She said her father once told her that John Wayne would never use a straw, meaning real men just grab the cup/glass and throw it back.

Anyway, Patti (and Oprah and Nate) told her that she would never find love with a list as long as hers. And the Millionaire Matchmaker gave her some tips. Here are a few:
1) Determine the 5 most important values/qualities you want in a mate (just 5).

2) The No.1 place to meet single men? Skiing. (Did you know that? I need to go on a few ski trips next winter.)

3) When the woman (lady, female) asks all the questions, that means she is doing the pursuing. (wow, I never knew that. My dates are always like a 20/20 interview. I try to find out as much information as possible to determine whether I'm going to continue to spend my time with this person.)

4) Divorced men are the best kept secrets. According to Patti, divorced men are not commitment-phobes. They don't want to be alone and they are really interested in relationships, getting it right. (interesting because one of the major things on my list is "never married." But I may have to adjust my list, do some rethinking.)

So on Thursday night I put one of Patti's tips to the test. During my date with a man I had met a few weeks ago, I didn't do my usual drill (where are you from? married? kids? divorced? etc.) Instead, I held my tongue and let him take the lead on the conversation. It went well for the most part. We talked and laughed. I learned a lot about him without giving him an interview. When he asked what I was looking for in a mate/man, I didn't give him my usual spiel: a college-educated professional who has never been married, no kids and believes in monogamy. Instead I mentioned honesty, intelligence, hard work, etc. When I asked him what he was looking for he said honesty, loyalty, passion, forgiveness.

"Forgiveness? You messing up already?" I asked.

We laughed.

He walked me to my car and we've made plans for another date.

What do you guys think of Patti's tips? Do you agree? disagree?