Liar !

A couple of months ago, I found out that a guy I recently dated had been married before.

He confessed that he had been married for 5 years about a decade or so ago and it didn't work out.

He said that I had never asked him if he had been married.

LIAR !

First of all, my Dream Mate has the following qualities:
1) college-educated
2) professional job (financially stable)
3) never married
4) no kids
5) (must be honest, spiritual, trustworthy, caring, kind, etc.)

Please note the words "Dream Mate."

Anyway, some of the first questions I ask a guy are:
1) Are you married?
2) Do you have any children?
3) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED ? (are you divorced?)

So don't sit up here like I'm stupid and tell me that I never asked you if you had ever been married. I did ask you and you lied. LIAR !! You are insulting my intelligence !

I'm reminded of a song in the movie, Waiting to Exhale called, "It Hurts Like Hell." For though this is not an instance in which a person has been caught cheating, I still feel betrayed.

I don't know.
Why can't I just meet a good, honest person? Why?

Do we have to do background checks on men we meet these days?
I mean, what if you find out a person is not the person you thought they were?
Lots of time wasted and love lost.

What are your thoughts?

What Men Can Learn from Barack

For the past two weeks, I've received the same email: an essay by Jeneé Desmond-Harris titled "What Single Women Can Learn from Michelle." In her piece Harris discusses how many intelligent, professional, successful Black women dismiss perfectly good guys for superficial reasons. This is not something we haven't heard before. In fact, Harris notes, "The idea that things are hard for Black women who want to date Black men who match us in academic and career success is a well-worn cultural narrative." But her point is the reason Michelle Obama is now the First Lady of the United States is because she overlooked the small stuff - the odd name, the goofiness, the oversized ears. Instead, she focused on things far more important: Barack's goodness, his warm smile. (The fact that Barack was a Harvard Law grad probably didn't hurt either). Michelle saw the big picture. Now she's married to the most powerful man in the world.

Harris' essay was so popular that there was a followup essay written by a man. In his essay, "What Single Women Can't Learn from Michelle," David Swerdlick gives us a list of things to consider before the next man passes us by. He suggests that Black women stop comparing men they meet to Barack, stop looking at how much money someone makes, stop dismissing men for not being perfect or ideal and try dating outside the race.

But I have to disagree when Swerdlick says, "we're [Black men] not letting a winner slip past us just because her ponytail is tucked up under a ball cap."

I cannot tell you how many beautiful, intelligent, professional, successful, philanthropic Black women I know who are definitely "winners" yet, they somehow "slip past" successful Black men because they were not of a certain hue or a certain size. (and should I even mention hair?)

This is what Black men can learn from Barack: Stop looking for Halle Berry and start looking at the good - someone who will be by your side, have your back through it all. Smart, confident, ambitious, Michelle was a great catch. She was the prize, a winner and Obama knew it.
But Obama is a rare man, a special kind of guy. As many of us know from experience, there are some Black men, who, once they become successful, no longer think Black women are good enough for them, let alone a woman with beautiful brown skin.

The fact is many Black women are single, not because we are superficial, but because men are. For example, I remember one of my male colleagues telling me he didn't think Oprah was all that because her nails looked jacked up. What? You're dismissing the most influential woman in the world because of...her nails? Another male colleague, a 40-something entrepreneur, often laments how he can't find the right woman. I suggested one of my good friends, a definite "winner." He said she wasn't his type. What's your type I asked? He pulled out a picture of his ex-girlfriend who looked like the late R&B singer Aaliya. Then there's my former co-worker, now in his mid-50s, never married, who refuses to date women whose dress size is more than one digit. Speaking of dresses, a man I once dated didn't like the clothes I wore. He thought I dressed too conservative, old. He wanted me to show a little skin. He missed out on a "winner."

Even Harris admits in her essay, that men can be superficial, "We expect men to resist what society tells them about ideals when it comes to us — God, help the brother who admits a preference for skin or hair displayed on every magazine cover; or the arrogant fool who holds out for his own Clair Huxtable, not acknowledging that The Cosby Show was fiction."

Let's face it. Men seem to have an upper hand in this. They have choices we don't. A young man once told me at a party, "I'm a Black man with a college degree, no kids and a good job. I can be choosy." I couldn't argue with him. He was right.

But as Harris accurately writes in her essay, Black women "who do seek to have relationships with black men of similar circumstances might need to open up a little... we must start to question our assumptions about what our ideal really is."

My ideal? At this point, I just want someone to hold my hand; a hug would be nice too.

What about you?
What are your thoughts on this issue?

Nine Commandments of Joel

Okay the Joel I'm speaking of is not a prophet or some obscure disciple in the Bible, though he may think his commandments are biblically based.
The Joel I'm referring to is a 41-year-old Black man I saw on "Divorce Court" today.

Joel's 27-year-old wife wanted to divorce him after just three months of marriage. 3 months.
Why?
She couldn't handle his "rules."

Here are the Nine Commandments of Joel:
1) What I say goes
2) Must have sex when I want it
3) The woman must take care of the kids
4) The woman must keep a clean house
5) The woman must have a job
6) When I go out, the woman must stay home
7) No Back Talking !
8) No riding in my car
9) Any questions? Refer to Rule #1

Joel's commandments were posted on the refrigerator. You know, just in case his wife forgot what they were. He told the judge that he learned how to treat women by observing his grandfather. His grandmother, he said, did whatever his grandfather told her to do. She knew her "place."

The women today, Joel said, needed to go back to the "old ways." He said that every woman needs rules. He told the judge that he's "training" his daughter, teaching her that she has to obey her husband when she gets married. He's also teaching his son that a man is suppose to "run the woman."

Did I mention that Joel doesn't work? He's on "disability" for a back problem. Yet, his disability doesn't seem to keep him out of the clubs where he parties until the wee hours of the morning.

But I digress.

Joel's young wife said he laid down his rules only a few minutes after they said their wedding vows. She didn't know what she was getting into. Marriage, said Joel, means the "Man is No.1. She belong to me." For some reason he had a hard time understanding that a wife was not property.

When the judge noted that most women today would not accept his antiquated way of thinking, he said "somebody will."

Unfortunately, that's true. Joel will find someone else.

Tell me: What do you think of "Joel's 9 Commandments?"
Do you think women need to go back to the "old ways"?
Would marriages last longer?

Failure to Launch

I got a call from one of my high school classmates a few weeks ago. It was a pleasant surprise. He reminded me that our 20th class reunion was next year. Next year? I couldn't believe it. I've been out of high school for 20 years? But I look so young !

I have to admit that this is not the life I had imagined for myself when I was in high school. Having unrealized dreams is sad, a tragedy even. Joan Rivers once said, "If you're not doing what you want to do then you're a fool."

I'm a fool.

I've asked myself often — what is keeping me from becoming the person I want to be? Why aren't I doing what I really want to do? Why am I not living the life of my dreams?

There's a host of culprits: fear. procrastination. complacency.
I don't know where to start - that first step, that first phone call.
And at this age, is it even possible to become the person I want to be?
Is it still worth it to pursue my dreams?

At this moment, I don't want to attend my high school reunion.
I feel like such a failure — personally and professionally.
This is not what my life was suppose to be. I'm not living happily ever after.


What about you?
Are you where you thought you would be in life?
Are you where you want to be?
What's holding you up?

Manderella?

Okay ladies,

I was listening to the KANE show this morning on 99.5 and the host posed a question, which I will pose to you:

Would you date a Man who did not have a job?

About half of Kane's female callers said absolutely not.
But interestingly there were actually some who said they would date a man who did not work.
One female caller admitted that she was currently in a relationship with a man who did not have a job and it was kind of nice.
He cleans her house and has dinner ready when she gets home.

(Not surprisingly, 9 out of 10 men said they would absolutely
date a woman who did not have a job — as long as she was having
sex with him.)

I guess you would have to take a few things into consideration.
There are a number of reasons why someone may not be working (medical, physical).
In this current economy, millions of people are being laid off every day.
Just because someone isn't working doesn't mean they are lazy or shiftless
or no good; Maybe they were laid off from a previous gig and looking for a new one.

But what about those who quit perfectly good jobs or those who just can't
seem to hold a job for more than a few months?
What about those who say they can't work for anybody and are working on starting
their own business — "the next big thing"?

I don't know how I feel about this.
On one hand, a man is suppose to be a provider, supporter.
On the other, you want to be understanding and empathetic, especially
of certain unique situations.

What about you?
Would you date a man who did not have a job?
Would you RESPECT a man who did not work?
Would you consider today's economic circumstances (the layoffs, etc.)
or other unforeseen events?
Does it matter how long the person is out of work?


Let me know your thoughts.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

There was always something about John Edwards that I couldn't quite put my finger on. For some reason, I didn't trust him. He seemed, I don't know...slick.

Call me clairvoyant, but did you catch Elizabeth Edwards on Oprah last week or on the Today show this morning? You can watch Matt Lauer's 15-minute interview here .

Though she is promoting her new book, Resilience, her appearances have mostly centered around the former presidential candidate's affair.

Elizabeth revealed that she had asked for only one thing as a wedding gift — just one thing.

"I wanted him to be faithful to me, that was the one thing I asked for, that was really important to me," Elizabeth told Oprah , in an exclusive interview to be published in the June issue of O magazine.

She was not into material things — jewelry, clothes, fancy cars or a big house.
All she wanted was for her husband to be faithful. That's all.

Growing up, Elizabeth Edwards had seen the impact of her father's infidelity on her family. Her beautiful mother had loss confidence in herself and her abilities.

Now Elizabeth was going through the same thing.
After 29 years of marriage, John admitted that he had been unfaithful.

The affair had leveled her she said. When her husband disclosed his indiscretion, she had gotten physically sick. She cried. She screamed. She blamed herself. Like her mother, she lost confidence in who she was and began to question her own sense of self-worth. She wondered: What did she do that caused this to happen? Was it the weight? Was it how she looked at night with curlers in her hair?

Elizabeth Edwards still loves John. She said that he's a supportive husband, a wonderful father, a great provider.

"This is a really good man, who did this very bad thing," she said. "You take out this one thing and you have a perfect man."

Elizabeth acknowledged to Oprah that she was looking for perfection. She's learned, however, that "no one's perfect. People make mistakes."

But this is a new reality for Elizabeth. It's hard rebuilding trust after nearly three decades of marriage. She quietly said, "the way we were, is no longer the way we can be."

Today Elizabeth, who is battling Stage 4 breast cancer, is living out her last days in a dream home on a 28,000-square foot estate.
But she never asked for a dream home. The material things didn't really matter.
She wanted a dream man: a husband who was faithful.
But as she noted to Oprah, "Things interrupt your dreams."

What do you think?
Was Elizabeth Edwards being realistic in asking her husband to be faithful to her?
Is it too much to ask for a faithful husband?
It's so easy to give material things — clothes, money, cars, jewelry, homes — but why is it so hard to give the one thing money can't buy?

My boss, who's been married more than 25 years, has always said that faithfulness is a choice.
It hurts that too many men choose the wrong option.

Mo' Money, Mo' Money

Okay, just a quick Question of the Day:

If you had "just a little more money" what would you do?

I'm not talking about winning the lottery or getting a
new multi-million dollar contract.

But just a little something extra each month.

Have you ever said, "If I had just a little bit more money,
I could do ____________?" (you fill in the blank)