Somewhere New

Last week a friend posted on Facebook that she was having a moving sale. She was selling everything: her furniture, kitchen items, clothes and jewelry.

I asked her where she was going, thinking maybe she was headed back to the South where she was from or maybe to another state where she had a fabulous new job.

She told me she was moving to Ghana.

Ghana?

Yep, she said. Her goal is to get in the tourism industry.

Wow.

I wish I had the courage to just give up everything, move somewhere new and just start over.

There was a time in my early 20s that I did just that. After I graduated from Ohio State, I worked at a regional magazine in Columbus. A year later, I was bored out of mind and knew that I had to leave if I was going to be happy.

So I packed all my stuff and drove to Atlanta. I didn't have a job, but I had friends from high school and college who lived there.

I got to Atlanta on a Sunday. Monday morning I found my way to the corporate offices of Upscale magazine. I walked into the office without an appointment and introduced myself to the editor. After taking an editing test I was hired on the spot. I started the next day as an editorial assistant, making almost nothing, but at least it was something.

Three months later, I got a call to come work at a magazine in D.C. Again, I packed all my stuff and drove the 10 hours from Atlanta on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It was 1997. I've been in D.C. ever since.

Today I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm ready to pack up and move again. I want to go somewhere else, do something different. I've been looking for a job for the past four years. I would like to live in a better environment. I don't have any kind of love life. I wish I could start all over somewhere new.

But I can't.

So, what happened to the fearlessness I had in my 20s?

Well first of all, I just can't, at my age, just up and leave without a plan: call it obligations or call it being an adult. Fifteen years ago I didn't own a home or have the life I have now. Sometimes, however, I wish I wasn't so responsible, so damn dependable.

But I am. I honor my commitments and stay the course.

According to Suze Orman, the housing market is not expected to get better until 2015. Will I be able to stay here for 4 more years without going crazy? I have to. Oprah always says, "you make your own happiness."

So that's what I have to do. I went back to school to get a better job. I'm hoping for change in my neighborhood and I'm optimistic that love is in my future.

What are your thoughts?
Have you ever thought about just packing everything up and starting all over some place new?
Why didn't you?
Would you move without a plan? Without a job?
Would you leave everything behind to pursue a lifelong dream?

Let me know your thoughts.

What's Your Devil?

Yesterday began the season of Lent. According to catholiceducation.org, "Lent is a special time of prayer, penance, sacrifice and good works in preparation of the celebration of Easter." The religious site, churchyear.net, describes Lent as a spiritual spring cleaning.

Indeed.

However, most of us think of Lent as giving up something for 40 days. Many of us give up some type of food we love - bread, carbohydrates, meat. For me, it was desert (my biggest weakness). Some people give up alcohol. I know a few folks who try not to use curse words for 40 days.

But for the next 40 days I challenge you to dig a little deeper. What would be a difficult sacrifice? What would be the hardest thing to abstain from?

I ask: What's your devil?
What is that one thing that is keeping you from becoming the person you want to be? It may be wasteful spending; it may be a love for food; it may be procrastination or it may be an addiction to unhealthy relationships.

I just got cable a few weeks ago and dear lord, I think Cable is the Devil - so many channels, so many things to watch. It has literally kept me from doing the things that I need to do - and that's the devil.

So, whatever your devil is, let's try to work on it for the next 40 days - and beyond.

In the meantime, check out Kelly Price singing Healing live:

Need a Bag?

When are you getting married?

How do you feel when people ask you that question?

There was a time when my dad would ask me that at least once a month. I became so angry one time, that I yelled through the phone, "WHO AM I GOING TO MARRY?" I didn't mean to become so upset, but he had touched a nerve. I was simply tired of hearing that question — from him, my sister, my grandmothers, family friends, friends who were married.

I was frustrated and hurt. It made me feel like a failure that I had not met anyone who thought enough of me to want to spend the rest of their life with me. I mean, how am I suppose to answer that question? What am I suppose to say? Sometimes I would be flip and say something sassy like, "oh, tomorrow, you should come."

But it's not like I can go in Whole Foods, pick the guy I want and walk out the store.
It's not that simple.

Well, after my little outburst my dad promised that he wouldn't ask me that anymore and he hasn't. It's interesting. We talk about marriage, relationships, men, all the time now. But he has kept his promise.

So I ask:
How do you respond when someone asks, "When are you getting married?"
Do you get offended?
How do you feel?
Do you think it's a rude question?

Let me know your thoughts.

Transitions

This afternoon I opened the latest email newsletter from my yoga studio and found a beautiful essay from the instructor about transitions. Transitions. Transitions. She wrote about patience and compassion, being content and happy. She asked if we felt rushed or nervous or fearful. hmmmmm.

This post is dedicated to my friend who is going through a tough transition. She knows who she is. But whenever I see her, she is smiling. You never see the hurt, even though you know it's there. Maybe she knows something greater is waiting on the other side of this painful period.

Her smile reminds me of the new Kirk Franklin song, "I Smile." Check it out below:




Tell me about one of your tough transitions and how you got through it.
What did you learn from it?
Are you better now?

Remember the Time

On my way to work this morning I heard R&B singer D'Angelo's song, "Lady" from his 1995 album Brown Sugar.

Man, that song took me back to my days at Ohio State University in Columbus, Ohio. I had to smile. Those were some good times. I began to remember the folks I hung out with and how we created our own community in that predominately White college town. More than a decade later, I've reconnected with many of my Buckeye family via Facebook (gotta love Facebook).

Check out the video of "Lady" below:



Is there a song that takes you back to a special time in your life - maybe a summer romance? a vacation? a college anthem? a high school party song?

There is one song that they played so much in Ohio that when I hear it today, I immediately turn the station - LOL !

Let me know about a song that sticks out in your life's playlist.

Why You're Not Married

The day before Valentine's Day, television writer Tracy McMillan posted an essay on the Huffington Post titled, "Why You're Not Married".

Now I wanted to read this piece because it wasn't race specific, you know, another article saying why professional Black women can't get a man. McMillan, who's been married three times, doesn't make you feel guilty for having a career or make you feel weak for wanting to be loved. And I mean Steve Harvey's on his third wife, so why not have a look at what she has to say - lol.

So here are McMillan's Top 6 Reasons You're Not Married:
1) You're a bitch — According to McMillan, "Female anger scares men. Most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them." She mentions Kim Kardashian who she says smiles and wiggles - no anger there. Now I think I'm a pretty nice lady - until you piss me off (lol). But even then, I just cut you off. No need for all that cussing and fighting. You just don't need to be a part of my life.

2) You're Shallow - McMillan says only one thing matters when choosing a husband and that is CHARACTER. But if we were really looking for a man with character, she notes, "we would have found one by now." Men with character want to commit. Instead, she said we're too hung up on how someone looks or how much money they make. I agree. Check out my previous post, "Me, Jane".

3) You're a Slut - "If you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop," wrote McMillan. The bonding hormone, oxytocin, she notes, gets us hooked on men we're not really into. I agree. Sex is a powerful drug. How many times have we stayed with a guy that we know ain't no good, but the sex was great? That's why Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger always emphasizes to her couples "no sex without being in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship."

4) You're a Liar - You meet a guy. You like him. But he tells you he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. You lie and tell him you don't either - hoping he'll figure out how great you are and realize that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Not gonna happen. Move on.

5) You're Selfish - McMillan writes: "If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you" — your thighs, your clothes, your career, yoga. "A good wife," she says, "does not spend most of her day thinking about herself." Men are attracted to women with children because they know that these women care about something other than themselves. WOW. I always wondered why the lady next door with 5 kids always had a boyfriend and I couldn't manage to snag one. And that's why my childhood friend in Jackson, a high school drop-out with two kids, was able to marry a lovely, successful man (who is now working on a Ph.D). So is that what I need to do? Get a kid? hmmmmm.

6) You're Not Good Enough - According to McMillan, YOU don't think you're good enough if "you're not looking for a partner who is your equal." We want someone better than we are, she notes: "better looking, better family, better job." Wait a minute. Aren't we suppose to marry up? Look at Kate Middleton. Just Kidding. Anyway, she writes that most of us don't realize that we are good enough as we are and that "women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives." This makes perfect sense of why I'm always choosing Tom over Aaron.

McMillan concludes her essay by saying that every woman can find a great partner. I believe her. There are LOTS of single men out there. But, she notes, we have to realize that "marriage is not about getting," it's about giving.

"Marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it," she writes.

So, what do you think about these points?
I can relate to all of them (except I'm not a slut - LOL!).

Let me know your thoughts.

Me, Jane

I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning and flipped through my MANY cable channels. I stopped at the movie Broadcast News. I had seen it many times before, but I saw it with new eyes this time.

The 1987 movie centers around three folks who work at a television station. There's Aaron, the super smart, super talented average-looking guy who is a great reporter. There's Jane, the driven, career-minded producer whose energy leaps off the screen. And then there's Tom, the handsome anchor who is all style and no substance.

The film is a love triangle. Aaron loves Jane. Jane loves Tom. Now even though Aaron adores Jane from the top of her perfect nose to her tiny tiptoes, Jane lusts after Tom. She knows he's not smart and realizes he is not honest, but she is enamored with his movie star good looks.

During the film, Jane asks Aaron, where he thinks they'll all be in 10 years. He said, "I'll be married with kids and you'll be single and fat."

Indeed, 7 years later, they all meet up at a function. Tom is engaged to a beautiful blond and Aaron is married with a cute kid.

Jane? She is still single. Her career is her life.

I am Jane.

I have met so many Aarons - average-looking, yet good guys who are brilliant, sweet, kind, caring. But I always ignore them in favor of the Toms - dumb dudes who are all style and no substance.

You would think after more than 20 years of dating, I would get it right. But for some reason I always go for the losers and then I end up disappointed and frustrated. It's a pattern and right now I don't understand why I just can't love the good guy.

In the meantime, the Aarons I've met have gotten married and the Toms have moved on to their next conquest.

Me? I'm Jane, alone with my career.

Thoughts on this?
Why do you think I always choose the losers over the good guys?
Maybe I have a self-esteem issue.
I want love. I believe I deserve love. But I always sabotage myself by hooking up with guys I know deep down are no damn good.